PRUE HALLIWEL ::: OBSERVER OF LIFE

i don't want to get to the end of my life and find that i have just lived the length of it... i want to also have lived the width of it as well... smiling when the sun rises... dreaming until the sun hides... but for now, i'm letting go... and this goodbye isn't just a new start... it confirms my submission to waiting... while searching...

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Thursday, November 22, 2007

after seeing an ex...

i've told myself many times over that the chapter of my life with him has reached it's terminal point... i've let go of the man... that i am sure of... but the sight of him still relives that feeling of romance and affection... memories bouncing back...

i wonder why he has cut his shoulder length hair to a clean do... he loves sporting that look... and yet, even with his new form, i can't help but notice how he looks pale... is it the sad eyes... or perhaps it is just my interpretation and wishful thinking that his life was far better with me... or maybe i'm keeping alive the news that he realizes eternal bliss is not always found in marriage... oh yeah, i remember him telling me he's not the marrying type... whatever happened to that anyway? well, some fool souls get lost in the attempt to secure themselves...

or maybe it isn't really over with me? otherwise, i shouldn't be giving him any space in my world... nah... i am well over the sacrifices and the sufferings... my will has stopped... it's just that leaving the past is never absolute... there always is a fragment of yesterday in our present...

while waiting for our lunch to be served, i indulged to what my heart dictates... do i miss him? yes, i do... but it's not reason enough to feel astray and confused...

i asked myself if I could have done something more... if there's something that i could have said... i was so confused but i gave him time to figure out what he wanted... because surely, i knew then what i wanted... but it was evident, we were not on the same boat...

two years back, part of me wished i had shoke sense into him... told myself to have faith in us, whatever... anything... it's not like as if i didn't do a last attempt to save our bond... but perhaps, i was too late... i was weak and too hurt to see beyond the pain...

i know there is no point in this... it's just self-validation... or whatever... I want to be reassured that i did all i could do so that i can fully move on... what with all that's been said and done, i gave it a fair chance... it was just so hopeless towards the end of our relationship... it was so hard to argue for love and us with that much hopelessness being thrown at me...

i'm just sad that he didn't even try...

but just as the same, now... there's so much gladness in my heart that he didn't even try...

i'm doing better lately... I know that... and i'm letting go... no longer hanging on to hope... you will perhaps forever live in my heart... but as a reminder of the man i used to be... the man i'd never want to be again... that will be your purpose in my life... to incessantly remind me that i can be better... and that i deserve someone better...

let this be the words of a grown and reformed man in the arms of an angel...

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