after seeing an ex...

i've told myself many times over that the chapter of my life with him has reached it's terminal point... i've let go of the man... that i am sure of... but the sight of him still relives that feeling of romance and affection... memories bouncing back...

i wonder why he has cut his shoulder length hair to a clean do... he loves sporting that look... and yet, even with his new form, i can't help but notice how he looks pale... is it the sad eyes... or perhaps it is just my interpretation and wishful thinking that his life was far better with me... or maybe i'm keeping alive the news that he realizes eternal bliss is not always found in marriage... oh yeah, i remember him telling me he's not the marrying type... whatever happened to that anyway? well, some fool souls get lost in the attempt to secure themselves...

or maybe it isn't really over with me? otherwise, i shouldn't be giving him any space in my world... nah... i am well over the sacrifices and the sufferings... my will has stopped... it's just that leaving the past is never absolute... there always is a fragment of yesterday in our present...

while waiting for our lunch to be served, i indulged to what my heart dictates... do i miss him? yes, i do... but it's not reason enough to feel astray and confused...

i asked myself if I could have done something more... if there's something that i could have said... i was so confused but i gave him time to figure out what he wanted... because surely, i knew then what i wanted... but it was evident, we were not on the same boat...

two years back, part of me wished i had shoke sense into him... told myself to have faith in us, whatever... anything... it's not like as if i didn't do a last attempt to save our bond... but perhaps, i was too late... i was weak and too hurt to see beyond the pain...

i know there is no point in this... it's just self-validation... or whatever... I want to be reassured that i did all i could do so that i can fully move on... what with all that's been said and done, i gave it a fair chance... it was just so hopeless towards the end of our relationship... it was so hard to argue for love and us with that much hopelessness being thrown at me...

i'm just sad that he didn't even try...

but just as the same, now... there's so much gladness in my heart that he didn't even try...

i'm doing better lately... I know that... and i'm letting go... no longer hanging on to hope... you will perhaps forever live in my heart... but as a reminder of the man i used to be... the man i'd never want to be again... that will be your purpose in my life... to incessantly remind me that i can be better... and that i deserve someone better...

let this be the words of a grown and reformed man in the arms of an angel...

just for laughs...

here's something that will really make your day light, happy and hopefully, it keeps you smiling the whole day...



cute nung baby noh? haaaaay, sarap maging baby... sarap magka-baby... hehehe!

sweet rambling...

it is getting colder and colder each night... the streets are getting busier... traffick is even heavier... everywhere you look, shining lights of green, red and yellow... even the white brings every corner to life...

the stars are even brighter... in fact, i love it that the nights are longer now... and the days shorter... that way, when my angel comes home, we've more time to embrace under the moonlight... and lesser hours to keep us apart because of work... hmmm... what if i take a leave of absence? now that's a thought... we'll see...

one thing. i'm definitely off the hook from the 21st till the 26th... Lord, hear my prayers... i need that vacation... he'll be here only for less than two weeks... and i promised the angel you sent me that i'll be going with him to Dumaguete again... oh. i suppose the sunrise i used for my blog banner will be changed na... that by the way was taken in Dumaguete... with him... with my angel... and that's what urged me to alter my blog site from 'Prue's Soul' to 'The Sunrise'...

this entry is just my rambling... i'm simply putting into words how i feel... hehehe! yeah... now i'm having the glee... been letting michael buble sing his 'i'll be home for christmas' almost the whole day... for 3 days now... wala lang... hehehe! corny ko noh... o eh ano naman... let me na... mababw lang naman kaligayahan ni prue...

oh and there's the menu i have to prepare... gotta get ready when he comes home... i'm pretty sure he misses the food... all his favorite since those aren't available in Zurich... and nothing's better than what i cook... hehehe! mas inspirado... mas masarap ang luto... naks!!!

haaaaaay!!! thanks for hearing my prayers... really Lord, thank you...

MERRY MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!

not fate but faith...

well, it isn't a fateful christmas after all... my faith did prove it's worth... and my angel sure knows how to win me...

before he left for Zurich, he embedded this song on his friendster... i know that he's aware i very much like the piece... sometime during our chat when he was already in Switz, i asked why he had it in his account, he sez it's for me... weeweeweewee...



and when we were discussing weeks ago if he will indeed take that christmas vacation even if only for less than two weeks, as though the sadness in my heart (for his uncertainty) wasn't enough, i cried even more when he sang a few lines of this song... it was no doubt moving...



and finally, when we discussed two nights ago what his decision would be... the response i got was a 'file transfer'... it was this christmas song...



i got scared at first because i know the song and it's message... it felt like he couldn't tell me straight and so he's letting me know through a song... but when asked, all he told me was to forget about that particular line... because he will ACTUALLY be home for Christmas... now, i'm wearing a smile that reaches to my ears... rejoicing... and yes... PASKO NA NAMAN!!! WAAAAAAAAHHHHHOOOOOOOOO!!!

will be posting more about this joyful moment in my life... but for now, allow me to stay in cloud 9... very very VERY VERY heavenly... i need my stick... my ipod... and my angel's song of promise... i will just be at the roofdeck... under the skies... embracing the christmas breeze... it's never been this sweet and lovely... oh... wrong... it will be sweeter and lovelier come dec. 21... hihihi!

will stay at the roofdeck to meet the sunrise... (and there goes another hihihi... haaaaaaaaaaay...)

30 random fersonal facts...

I was tagged (tugged... or togged... as everybody else before me have been kidding about...) to share... and reveal 30 things about myself... ika nga, 30 random fersonal facts...

the pressure of thinking 30 items that remains unknown to many friends... hmmmmm... i've been so open and transparent... okei... whatever comes first into mind... here goes…

1. obviously, I AM A HOPELESS ROMANTIC... and as defined in the urban dictionary, this person is in love with love... he believes in fairy tales and love... he's not to be confused as a stalker or the creepy type because that's not what a hopeless romantic is... all hopeless romantics are idealists, the sentimental dreamers,the imaginative and the fanciful when you get to know them... they often live with rose colored glasses on... he makes love look like an art form with all the romantic things they do for their special someone... oh yes, that's me...

2. i've made an official statement/declaration of my OFFICIAL SIGNIFICANT OTHER LIST... and piper would know though she contests it... hahaha! I'VE HAD 4 BEAUTIFUL RELATIONSHIPS... and by beautiful i mean it really did leave with me with beautiful memories... two of it may have ended tragically but still, i have to be fair with them and i owe it to our love to admit we've had wonderful memories together (hmmmm... will they say the same thing? hahaha!)...

3. AND MY 5TH OFFICIAL RELATIONSHIP is still young... we are nearing our first year anniversary (so to speak... i am not fond of juvenile celebrations) but really we've been (physically) together for a little more than a month only... (hmmmm... makes me wanna kwento our love story... hahaha... on another entry na lang...) he is now in Zurich, Switzerland for work... may his wings bring him back to me... amen!

4. my FIRST was a 7 year relationship with my bestfriend... it's my IDEAL LOVE... my SECOND was a 2... it's a mistake that turned out to be promising... serendipity? almost but not quite... my THIRD was another 2... fell in love with a ghost who shook my heart and left me shattered... but he managed to inflict pain because i really loved him... HE'S THE ONE THAT COULD HAVE BEEN... and my LAST was again a 2... at first, I was really mesmerized with how my dreams were coming into life... but even the most beautiful aren't meant to last a lifetime i guess... when it ended, it felt like i got hit by a train... it was the most traumatic… well, only because HE IS MY GREATEST LOVE... my PRESENT significant other is my ANGEL... where it leads us, i still don't know... and with the new me in this relationship, i am hopeful...

5. I DON’T DRINK ICED TEA… oh well perhaps, I do… but the only iced tea I can take is the BLACK ICED TEA of starbucks… what I really like is HOT TEA… and GREEN TEA is the best...

6. other than Shannen Doherty, I am also a BIG FAN of Julia Roberts, Michelle Pfeiffer, Annette Bening and Julia Stiles… they are four of the foreign actresses who make me cry with them when they do… for some reason, they can really stir my emotions with their acting…

7. I am a HUGE FAN WITH A HUGE CRUSH on Piolo Pascual… I admire other local male stars but just the sight of Papa P really makes me cry… totoo pala yung mga fan na naiiyak pag nakikita yung paborito nila… hahaha! My other fave foreign male stars are Richard Gere, Colin Farrell…. And Shaun Cassidy and Leif Garrett… it’s impossible for any one my age not to remember the Hardy Boys… hehehe!

8. Hold on now… hold on… last time I checked, I am already a 282 LB. BIG GUY… obese, I know… and stop laughing… don’t look so shocked… gaaahhdd… I’ll soon have that diet I’ve been long delaying… don’t feel bad for me… ok? It’s enough that I feel bad myself… hehehe!

9. just last night… in the office… a swivel chair GAVE IN TO MY WEIGHT… oh gahd, it’s not like it’s the first time… okay… can you imagine a scene in a comedy flick where a fat bozo just drops on the floor because his chair broke? Shit! That just happened kagabi… one minute, nagkwekwentuhan kami… the next minute, I heard a loud crackling sound… it happened all too fast… I didn’t even have time to process in my head that it was my chair’s legs breaking into pieces… next thing I know… I was lying on the floor… as in nakahiga ako sa sahig… kahit ako, natawa… but I was so bwisit with myself…

10. ever since my Game Ka Na Ba days (the very first GKNB), I normally use two celphones na… that’s Kris’ influence… and lately, I’ve been using three… my smart line for my N70, my prepaid smart for my Palm Treo and my prepaid globe for my N93i… there was a time i had four units active because I was also using a prepaid Sun for it’s very helpful call and text unlimited… come December, I’ll have that iPhone na… woooohoooo!!!

11. my boss thinks I DON’T HAVE A CELPHONE NOW… either she let’s me get away with it or she’s surprisingly naïve on this one… I am just saving myself from the many complications and hassles she can really put into my life… she actually hates that I don’t have a number she can call… truth is, I purportly deactivated my smart line and my prepaid smart (numbers she knows) and left only my prepaid globe active… it’s the number my friends know…

12. I love COMMUNING WITH NATURE… not just the beach… even the bukid, the hills… the forest… falls… any place where I can enjoy my solitary confinement and just listen to mother nature whisper in my ears… it’s how my soul is fed…

13. MICHAEL was with me since I was a baby (as I was told by my sisters…) up until I was in 3rd year high school… we only got separated when I left home and lived with my dete… it was very very difficult for me to sleep when I’m not hugging Michael… in fact, when I was living with my sister already, I cried for many weeks every time I laid to bed… I just miss Michael…. By the way, he’s MY PILLOW… hmmm… I seriously don’t remember how or where I got the name Michael… I just remember calling him that name…

14. i am an exhibitionist… hahaha! Hindi naman! Joke lang… but I really DON’T CLOSE THE BATHROOM DOORS when I’m in the shower or even when I’m having my poopoo session… hehehe! It’s because I’m CLAUSTROPHOBIC… but I can still manage when I’m in enclosed or tight areas…

15. teka… exhibitionist nga ata ako… hahaha! Because I walk naked in the condo even with my friends around… hahaha! With all my putotoy dangling like a free bird… hahaha!

16. I fantasize that one day, I WILL BE A BEYONCE!!!

17. I DON’T WEAR BRIEFS BY THE WAY… I am so uncomfortable with underwears… be it slacks, maong pants or even shorts… kahit cycling shorts… NO TO BRIEFS!!! Hahaha!

18. I am a CHRISTIAN… but I practice WICCA too… let’s not get into that… it will be pretty long to explain my faith and my new age practice…

19. my friends ran to me every time they need a WICKED IDEA FOR REVENGE… hahaha! Ei paige, yours still tops the list… remember when we had your two-timing guy drink a glass full of my very own chocolate concoction… hahaha! Ok now… let’s not get into details… let me sanitize my reputation a little for the sake of my other cyber friends… hehehe!

20. just like piper, I am an avid reader of X-MEN… but my passion goes to NEIL GAIMAN AND HIS WORKS… I used to collect Vertigo Adult Literature.

21. once, I went to Baguio via airconditioned bus and when I got there, I just transferred to another bus bound to Manila… it was my MOST MEMORABLE & MOST ROMANTIC RIDE… it STILL IS in the top-ten list of my life’s romantic moments… I was travelling with my IDEAL LOVE then… it was his ‘spur of the moment’ thing…

22. I LOATHE EGOCENTRIC PEOPLE!!! I just hate those who have no regard for other people’s feelings…

23. I ALMOST DIED FROM DROWNING… nagpapansin kasi ako sa crush ko… he was repeatedly reminding me kasi not to get in the water because it’s Black Saturday (you know… old beliefs… patay daw ang Diyos…)… and since I liked the feeling that I was making him worry, I pretended to be adamant about it... I took the canoe and paddled to sea… aaaaaaayuuuun, lumakas ang alon at itinumba ang canoe… it took me almost an hour to swim back to land… kagagahan di ba? hahaha!

24. I LOVE THE RAIN… I just love it… just like what Brandon Lee’s line in the first The Crow movie, IT CAN’T RAIN ALL THE TIME…

25. I am PRUE to Piper and the rest of the Halliwels… I am POOHBEAR to Piglet… I am GARFIELD to my college friends… RYAN to my sisters… at times, I am a BUTCHOK to them when naglalambingan… JOSEPH to the corporate world… OTEP in the broadcast industry…

26. I am so SCARED OF FREDDY KRUEGER… he really gives me the nightmares…

27. GOD is my stronghold… and I believe that HE LOVES ME VERY MUCH!!!

28. I AM VERY GOOD IN THE KITCHEN… just to make it clear because I’m sure you’ll smile on this one… hehehe… I meant COOKING and not eating.

29. I AM A LOUSY DRINKER… I can only down 3 bottles of san mig light and after it, I become so dense and dead… and believe me, you’ll appreciate me more in that state because if I’m still up by the third bottle, oh fuck… I do the craziest things…

30. MY GREATEST DREAM IN LIFE? Simple lang… greatest but truly simple… ETERNAL BLISS (toingk… akala ko ba simple?)… A MAN TO GROW OLD WITH AND A CHILD OR TWO TO NURTURE… by the way, adopting is not an option… hmmm… okay… okay… it can be actually… but really… what I want is that our children be born from my significant other’s seed… that way, I am sure that he will love the children unconditionally and without doubts… get the drift?


Ha? Gaaaaahd… ang haba haba ng entry ko… hehehe! My apologies… I got so engrossed in sharing… okay now Phoebe, you’re IT… roll your 30s.

Halliwels, may I be allowed to break the rules? I’m also tagging kingdaddyrich, chase, bombero, buraot and jamunoops… wala lang… hehehe!

fate or faith...

tomorrow... or actually later... my life for the next few months will be determined... a choice that may very much affect how my yuletide will be... not that it is or i am depending my happiness on someone but hey, the big guy's only human... i've needs and wants... i can learn not to be demanding but i can never teach a longing heart to stop missing...

will it be fate or my faith?

i have to admit, i am scared of what the answers might be... that's how 'praning' i can get... i've waited for sure answers that can be made only today and now that the day has finally arrived, here i am... eager but fearful...

why is it raining? an early signal to my emotional onslaught? i hope not... please... dear God... please... consider it my christmas wish... let my angel come home...

later... later...

waiting and having faith...

i am sending this out to the wind... may my heart's melody be heard by my angel...



I never felt magic crazy as this
I never thought moons knew the meaning of the sea
I never held emotion in the palm of my hand
Or felt sweet breezes on the top of a tree
But now you're here
Brighten my northern sky.

It's been a long time that I'm waiting
Been a long that I'm blown
It's been a long time that I've wandered
Through the people I have known
Oh, if you would and you could
Straighten my new mind's eye.

Would you love me for my money
Would you love me for my head
Would you love me through the winter
Would you love me 'til I'm dead
Oh, if you would and you could
Come blow your horn on high.

I never felt magic crazy as this
I never saw moons knew the meaning of the sea
I never held emotion in the palm of my hand
Or felt sweet breezes in the top of a tree
But now you're here
Brighten my northern sky.

barefoot in the park...

corie: I don't know what he wants... I don't know how to make him happy... What am I going to do, Mother?

ethel: That's the first time you've asked my advice since you're 10... It's really very simple... All you have to do is give up a little bit of you for him... Don't make everything a game... just late at night in that little room upstairs, take care of him... Make him feel important... If you can do that, you'll have a happy and wonderful marriage like 2 out of every 10 couples... You'll be one of the two, baby.

wow... even after, hmmmm... when was the last time i watched Barefoot in the Park? say... when i was still in college...? i am not fond of old movies but this romantic comedy film of robert redford and jane fonda is one of the very few i've loved... and even up to now, it still is a valentine treat...

corie (fonda) and paul's (redford) romanticism narrates the woes borne from a newly wed's puppy love but corie, being the frivolous spirit and paul, as the 'stuffed shirt', discovers early in their married life that to make it work, they both just have to compromise with each other... just like what corie's wry but well-meaning mother said, 'give up a little bit of you...'

corie: Paul! Aah! You're going to kill yourself! Come down!

paul: No, I want to be a nut just like everybody else in this building!

corie: No, I don't want you to be a nut... Come down.

paul: No... Not until you've said it again, loud and clear.

corie: Anything, Paul, anything.

paul: My husband...

corie: My husband...

paul: Ah-choo! Paul Bratter...

corie Paul Bratter...

paul: rising young attorney...

corie: rising young attorney...

paul: is a lousy, stinking drunk...

corie: Is a lousy, stinking drunk... and I love him.

paul: I love you, too, Corie... Even when I didn't like you, I loved you.



woohoo... some shit... forgive me for being queer... but i think i'm a corie... hahaha!

it's just a phase...

my sticks... my music... my coffee... and a new companion, my blog...

so here i am... just overlooking the tinsel that morato is during a saturday night... under a normal state, i'd be out with friends... perhaps with my closest girlfriends... piper or piglet or palaka... i wonder how fritci is now? i hope she's just doing fine with her pregnancy and all... she must be heavenly... i remember forecasting her life that she'd grow old with a baby but without a man... hahaha! only fate would know...

i guess the phase has arrived... when was the last time i had an emotional seizure? ah yeah... last year, it was march... just before summer... i was missing him because memories of our galera vacation resurfaced...

how come i'm having it now again? is it the rain? can't be... it hasn't for days... the season to come... perhaps... or... or the fact that my relationship is threatened again... or maybe this is my normal neurotic me... any attempt to divert my prevailing thoughts and emotions are all but fleeting...

one thing i know, i only go out by myself when i'm really really in despair... a broken man... i don't know why but i just feel lost sometimes... for someone who claims to be intelligient, i'm a wreck at figuring out my self and my life...

an excellent career... fine friends... and i'd like to believe i am spiritually balanced... yet, i feel i'm a mess... is it because fate is taunting... always teasing me... yet when i claim to have it, fate takes it back? this wasn't the first time i was tricked...

i am burning now... and i can't put off the fire... i wish someone would for me...

you see, it wasn't suppose to be this way... yuletide is special to me and in fact, wen the ber months arrived, i was ecstatic... shit! i wasn't expecting this phase at this time of the year... i am trying to turn it off but i am naturally dead these days... i should have lighted a candle for me in columbary to mark my mourning...

i'll light a stick instead... how many minutes does a stick take away from me anyway? i can't remember... i just smile knowing it does...

funny how i can isolate myself from everything... they all move around but i hear nothing... involuntary numbness that seem to magick me somewhere else... i like the word... numb... i hope i literallly learn to be it... not just momentous...

the heck... let dido play for now... sing me my tune while i'm at it... this too shall pass... until then, i'll deal with it...



I didn't hear you leave,
I wonder how I am still here
I don't want to move a thing,
It might change my memory

Oh I am what I am,
I'll do what I want,
But I can't hide

And I won't go,
I won't sleep,
I can't breathe,
Until you're resting here with me.

And I won't leave,
And I can't hide,
I cannot be,
Until you're resting here with me.

I don't want to call my friends,
They might wake me from this dream
And I can't leave this bed,
Risk forgetting all that's been

Oh I am what I am,
I'll do what I want,
But I can't hide

I won't go,
I won't sleep,
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me

I won't leave,
I can't hide,
I cannot be,
Until you're resting here with me.

happy sun in bacolod...

my bff really knows how to cheer me up... here's the latest update on the happy sun campaign... i took the liberty of lifting from piper's blog her newly posted comic life article just so i can share the big news with everyone...



piper was right... bacolod is my favorite province... and it's really sweet of her to extend the ray of sunshine to the city of smiles... now, i am very excited once again... from piper's loved Bohol to prue's loved Bacolod... yaaaahhooooo!!!!

just in case you want full briefing on what the campaign's about, the Happy Sun link's on my sidebar... 'tah!

worth the laugh...

i slept pretty late yesterday... ooops... mali... i crept into bed early this morning @ around 5am... hahaha... so i practically didn't get sleep yesternight... hmmm... not quite actually... yeah... i didn't get that sleep last night... but boy oh boy, i got up 5pm na this afternoon... so just makes it bawi-bawi na din... gulo noh... long for saying, hindi ako nakatulog...

had nothing to do last night but wallow in misery and torture myself if he's ever coming home... listening to my usual emote repertoire... i just found myself texting julia at 12 midnight... "kain tayo... harbor square"...

so there i was... with my ipod, listening to northern sky of nick drake... thinking of my angel... pondering on where i am now in the world... imagining what my life could have been if only and what if... and since i got to harbor square ahead of julia, i had time for myself... to obviously emote and allow the night to just engulf me...

when julia finally arrived, we transferred to remedios circle... and ate at max's... then proceeded to starbucks... haaaaaay... sarap tumanga and watch people passing by... making 'pintas' on everyone just so you'd feel good about yourself... oh and yes, speaking of... there was this lady who's bigger than i am... much bigger... and she literally didn't have a neck... i mean, her cheeks reached to her shoulders... ang bad noh... sorry na... let me just this once... once? hello! pintasero ka tlga...

anyway... i actually went to manila feeling a little low... but the night ended with us laughing like crazy... i remembered kingdaddyrich's entry on mga 'namamalimos'... each type of namamalimos having their own gimik and technique just so you'd offer a penny... last night, i discovered a new kind... hehehe!

at first i couldn't understand what she was singing... yes... she sings in exchange for the few pennies... it wasn't a christmas carol... it was better than that... do you know 'high school' of sharon cuneta... the beggar's own version of the lyrics is a blast... here goes...

high school na... pinag-college pa...
pinagpokpok lang pala...
high school na... pinag-college pa...
pinagpokpok lang pala...

(chorus)

ang saya ng hostess...
laging naka-burlesk...
bukas may sakit na siya...
ang saya ng hostess...
laging naka-burlesk...
bukas may sakit na siya...

hahaha... able to follow? here are the original lines so you'd have reference for the melody...

High school life, oh my high school life,
Ev'ry memory kay ganda.
High school days, oh my high school days
Are exciting kay saya.

(chorus)

Ang saya ng high school,
Senior years in my school
Di na mapapantayan.
T'yak ganyan ang buhay na sadyang makulay
Alaala kailan man.

mind you, i don't really give alms... but i made an exception on this one... i gave her i think 20pesos worth of coins... after all, she did really make me and julia laugh... thanks girl...

i love you dad...

i do not religously visit the columbary for belief that it isn't my dad who's there... he's up there... i know that... in fact, i didn't even bring him flowers when he had his birthday... i'd rather throw a kiss to the wind and look up... but since my family's an old school, all souls' day is an occassion i can't evade... and like always, i took charge in preparing the flowers and everything that comes along with the tradition...

so there i was in dangwa... picking the best flowers i know my dad would like... and since the flower arrangement occupied a wide space in the van, i had to drop it off first sa columbary before picking up my mom and dete...

it was suppose to be brief... but when i had a glance at my dad's picture... i couldn't control it... my tears fell...

it was unlikely of me to even talk to him through his picture... but i did... saying sorry's and thank you's... i had so much to tell him... some i already have... others ive had over and over again... and a few still remains unsaid... so here i am, pouring it out...

dear dad,

do you remember the many times that we strolled the mall with ate and dete? well, ako i remember... sana ikaw din... it's my best best vivid memory of the two of us... i was already gay that time and you knew it... yet, you'd walk with me... you'd hold my hand... and the way you held me, it was tight... and i'd look at you and realize that you don't mind pople seeing you with a gay son... gaaahd dad... you just dont know... it was all that i needed... no words... no confrontations... no QAs... just that...

i used to wonder and ask dete and ate how you felt when they finally confirmed with you that i am gay... they'd tell me you said nothing... although you smiled and said "lintik"... hahaha! how young was i ba nun? i think about 21... dete and ate knew much ahead of you but they promised not to tell you until i say so...

i waited for the day to come when you'd talk to me... curious on how you'd express your disappointment and frustration... but it never came... you never argued with me about it... i was glad actually but i was still hoping that somehow, i'll hear words like "anak pa rin kita... mahal kita anak... hindi ka na ba magbabago anak... whatever you decide anak, tatanggapin ko"... yeah, you never said foul words but you never assured me of anything as well... you didn't hate me, i'm sure of that... but your silence made me more anxious to know how you feel about me...

until it struck me, what words was i looking for... how many times have you firmly held my hand... letting me kiss you in public as my way of saying thank you for buying me rubber shoes, clothes, my marvel comics... in fact, now that we're talking about it... i remember, you even gave in to my request of buying me that red guess pants i so wanted... you hated it because it was red... hahaha! i can still imagine the look on your face when i asked you to buy it for me... you were shocked like hell... red pants? but still, you bought it...

even when i was already older and i started to be much comfortable with being gay... there wasn't a time that you made me feel you were embarassed by me... you'd even make me 'pakilala' to your officemates and kumpares... "mga pare, bunso ko... naiwan sa kusina eh..." and then you'd pull me closer to you...

those were much much stronger messages of acceptance... of love...

by now you should already know dad... after all, you can see me na from up there all the time... there are nights that i cry... regretting that our family had to be this way... i mean, i know that dete, ate and me grew up perfectly well... but still, what i would give to turn back time so we'd start all over again...

sometimes, naiisip ko... maybe i want to stay a kid or childlike forever kasi those were the best days of my life eh... yung bata pa ako... we were complete... we'd go to luneta on sundays... then you'd bring us to harrison plaza for that bumpcar ride and moonwalk... mommy would cook the best meals on saturdays and sundays kasi lahat tayo nasa bahay... you're too busy on weekdays kasi with your shootings and all... ate's keen on her nursing course... dete was like 'bawang' in her school activities... but weekends were sacred to the all of us... yeah... yeah... i think that's why...

i just wonder how it would be if you never separated? maybe i didnt have to transfer school... maybe i'd never be able to gimik until morning... or maybe i'd still but you'll holler at me to kingdom come when i get home... maybe i'd take that U.P. entrance exam to Law School... or maybe i'd pursue that application to be a jesuit volunteer in ateneo... maybe i'd have second thoughts on accepting myself as gay... maybe... ewan ko...

ate may not have dreamt or wanted to work abroad... oh yes, i love it... i enjoy having a sister from abroad who sends me stuff and all... allowances even up to now... signature everything and all the mundane pleasure money can buy... but it isn't what i really want... God knows... in fact, you should know dad...

it isn't what we want... i missed you dad... i still miss you even during the time when we were seeing each other again... and i miss you more now... sana you never had to leave that night dad... sana you and mommy found a way to work it out... but don't get me wrong dad... i don't hate you... i never did... and i never will... i have forgiven you long ago for leaving us... it took me quite a while to understand why you had to go... but i got there... self-preservation is requisite to all of us... sometimes even to parents...

do you know what my dream is sometimes dad? the place i can't really recognize... but the ambiance is happy... in my dream, i am at this age... we're walking... and you are still holding my hand...

dad don't let go of me, dete and ate... ok? just hold our hands because we feel safe when you're around... dete never forgets how you defend and protect her... ate still thinks of that moment when you said she'd be able to accomplish anything she sets her mind on... and i'll forever cherish in my heart that moment when you told me i am your junior.

i love you dad...

ryan