PRUE HALLIWEL ::: OBSERVER OF LIFE

i don't want to get to the end of my life and find that i have just lived the length of it... i want to also have lived the width of it as well... smiling when the sun rises... dreaming until the sun hides... but for now, i'm letting go... and this goodbye isn't just a new start... it confirms my submission to waiting... while searching...

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Tuesday, June 10, 2008

cosmic ex...

well, nothing really new with me... just the same old life... kind of. most likely i will just post this and move on until something else revolutionary happens in my life...

so much less in fact, that i laughed at the last post i was suppose to put up... but deleted it... whats the point of being so god damn whiny when i do nothing for now but take it all in like a slice of heavy moussed cake down by my new favorite hang-out cheesecake in t. morato...

i may just sound as whiny as the last but oh well... i really don't care for now... this is what it should be after all... an outlet... some place to let off the steam... lose the extra baggage... pour out even the senseless of most stuff...

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last two weekends, something strange and unexpected happened... i started talking (and i mean the kind of talking i wouldn't with any other guy) to one of my ex boyfriends who i thought i'd never associate with again...

we ended up hanging out thrice already since then...

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i just bumped into him the first time... had a very comfy chat over coffee... exchanged non-sensical small talk just so we'd have reason to stay together through the night... until finally, we went to the condo... while uploading his videos from his digi-cam to my laptop, we catched up more and more with the lives we have now... how he's grown to be mature and finally walking the good direction...

the next thing i know, he's alreay inviting me out again for coffee... after a series of text messages... of hi's and hello's... of kumustas and have-you-eaten thingies, finally, we went out again... god knows i wasn't expecting a rebound from both of us... i am not the type who believes in 2nd chances with 'done and over with' relationships... and i don't think he intends to anyway...

just that we'd kid each other about significant others.. about why he stays single till now... if my present is a good one (oh yeah, i did pretend to have one... just so i can maintain that sense of market value and not look helpless... the hope of selling an image that 'hey, see... life's better after you'... and everytime we make fun of our past... we'd end up silent... like there was an angel that just passed by... or maybe... we really just run out of things to say... after going through the past, do we assume tomorrow's? nah... i don't think so... there's not even a slightest chance we'd be back in each other's life... not as lovers... more of friends...

but the third time was different... i got out at 1am to meet him and do very late dinner... i felt something i am not supppose to, i felt wanting him again... i dont know if this is just me reacting to the thrill of having some guy in my life again...

since i last saw him he's changed so much... both of us have... he used to be all crazily corny, mundane and self-centered... but now, he's totally chill and just... just different... it must be the depth in his heavy thoughts... his present actions seems to be dictated by a conscious analysis of how it will affect his life or what implications it will bring his future... at a young age of 26... after what? 6-7 years... he's now an adult... probably more than i have become... considering that i am much... hmmm... a little less older than he is...

it may sound absurd or pathetic that i am making such a big deal out of this but it's true... we are cosmic... piper always say, 'you're cosmic'... and if i am to interpret it in my own words, it meant 'we're destined'... but being cosmic doesn't mean eternal bliss... at least, not most times...

then again, at the same time that i'm feeling all of this happy... knowing that the times we're together, we're full of beans... still, now that i feel wanting him... again... i am deathly afraid...

i've only told a couple of people that we are semi-seeing each other again and that doesn't count because they don't even know him... i'm afraid of what my dete will think, if she'll judge me... i am fearful to be misinterpreted of 'spending' for love (let's face it... even in this agae and time, there's still stigma)... i know i will be judged... and hell, i don't give a single fuck... ('flying fuck' as my boss would put it... hehehe!)...

but what i am most threatened with... is that... there's nothing really between the two of us anymore... it's just me trying to fill a void...

we're cosmic because, almost everywhere... we unbelievably always bump into each other... and he's the only ex who's like that with me... wait... it sounds like pre-medidated by him... on a clearer note, i experience only such serendipatious (if ever there's a word that makes serendipity descriptive...) moments with him... and just him...

almost everywhere... starbucks... bang coffee... asia... antipolo... gateway... the fort... jayjay's... metro blends... makati... trinoma... port area... mindoro... fuck... for the love of all that's good and holy... almost everywhere i go, he's there...

it may seem like he's making hints we can start a relationship again. we're constantly talking and texting... and he's saying things that normally only a boyfriend would...

just a thought though, i'm not sure if i'm feeling that level of commitment right now... or if i ever will feel it... or if i even want to... again... wanting to have him again may just be because i miss taking care of someone...

last night, in eastwood, while ordering in fazoli's... from the sliding door, i saw him pass by... not again... in any case, he was with a girl... aint pretty that i'm sure of... ut dudn't really matter... why should it? we're not a pair... not anymore...

me and my friends sat outside... i need to have a stick or two every after meal... and there he was again, walking towards fazoli's with the girl... until i realize, he was with another pair just by the bar beside ours...

how could it be? my presence wasn't acknowledged... i was unnoticed... but he did pass by me... a step away from where i was sitted... impossible...

and so i texted him... at first he admitted she was his girlfriend... oh, i thought he's single... then the next message came, he claims he was just kidding... duh... and i told him i'm just by fazoli's... and unless he's new to eastwood and is still unfamiliar with it or just plain stupid, he mst have not realized fazoli's was just beside theirs... still... i didn't even see his head turn to look for me... inlike everytime that he sees me.. . even from afar... and yeah, no matter how distant, he'd recognize me amidst the crowd... but that night was different...

even his gestures was different... you see, i'm good at reading behaviors... yes, i flaunt... i am the best at it... very well trained by experience... there was a conscious effort not to look my way... hmmm... a very convenient excuse to not see me and be accused of not even acknolwedging my presence...

the four of them stood.... just across where i sat... still, whoa... not a little nod nor a very plain 'uy'... nothing... he seemed not to really see me... impossible...

theres just so many feelings and doubts and regrets surfacing now...

doubts... about myself... will i ever recognize the truest feeling again and be not be suaded that sheer want is liking and loving again the same old pal?

regrets... i shouldn't have gone out with him... it was a foolish thing... i was too much of a fool to even entertain...

i am being overly melodramatic... allow me... i must admit, apektado ako dun...

it is an issue to me... it isn't the worst thing though... neither is it enough reason for me to feel bad about him... but gahd, it is an issue to me...

for crying out loud, why ba naman kasi do we bump into each other that way... universe, don't confuse me... i remember what oogway said, 'there are no accidents'...

there it goes... at least, i'm getting back to my senses... i should...

haaaaay... two sticks and i'm off to dreamland... i hope my toothfairy visits me with a good dream...

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