we wish it were two but no...

it has been a classic discussion between friends... a subject within the isyu 101 group... private conversations with my bff... a debate between old timers and new ones when it comes to relationships and it's apparent twin... where there is love, there must be pain...

but as far as i remember, nobody made a claim... nobody said it's just fine... no one had the guts to say, it's allowed in social norms... worst, in His eyes.. the only stand everybody is willing to own up to is that... IT HAPPENS... IT DOES... like it or not, it happens to everybody... and yes, i'd be the first to hit any self-righteous biotch who says, in all of her life, she has only loved one... and only one...

if you can drive safely while kissing someone, you are not giving the kiss the attention it deserves... albeit, the object of desire... the same can be said of love...

of course, there are different forms of love but to be clear, i am obviously referring to the romantic variety...

is it possible to love two people at the same time?

i always say. BUT OF COURSE... why can't we... why can't the heart... being emotional, i strongly say yes... wait... in fact, i am also being cerebral when i affirm the possibility of loving two people at the same time...

question is... will it work? when you love two people at the same time, will both succeed? who ends up hurt? and i am not just referring to the two objects of affection... all three in the circus...

there are, obviously, some practical issues to be entertained... jealousy, which would make the likelihood of succeeding and maintaining such relationships, improbable...

aside from the impracticality, is it possible to feel the emotion of love for two different people concurrently fair? well, again... there goes my theory of 100%.... but that is a whole new argument...

perhaps we should look at the origin of these feelings... if someone truly loves another... surely there is no need or benefit or even any will to look for solace beyond the relationship... the presence of another is already where we find solace and refuge... but that is in the case of a doomed relationship with the first...

how is it then when the first and former love was calm, peaceful and most of all, admittedly, non-problematic... is it still about refuge? is it still about solace? or is it already about succumbing to temptation... allowing ourselves to stray... at whose expense? the willing second... the other party?

this special bond with another person with whom we are able and willing to share everything (as we falsely claim...) may sometimes be an extra boost of confidence... of self-esteem... you see, love can at times consume our soul and force us to believe it is about giving when in fact, we subconsciously stay because of what we receive... of the security blanket it provides...

developing feelings for another suggests an absence of a crucial component in the relationship... fidelity... trust... exclusivity...

most will hate me for this but really, there is an impression that where such a condition exists, the faltering element is sex-related... issues of this kind would not necessarily mean that love is not apparent between the couple but could possibly equate to seeking more fulfillment beyond contentment... why settle for one when we can have two huh?

when we give in to the feeling of having another love, no matter how much we deny there's nothing in between or atleast nothing formal... still, there's an invisible mutual thing between the two.... but come to think of it, the fact that there's no committment already precludes the essence of love...

is the absence of knowledge from the other partner an acceptable alternative? shouldn't love be exposed... expressed... be proud of... not that it has to be shouted and declared to the universe... but keeping it in the hide is a way to protect not the love but ourselves... from what? perhaps from embarassment... from the complications... why?

the why is a good question that needs a good answer... why... hmmm... i maybe wrong... of course i can be... but let me say this, we fear the complications because even before it arises, we are already acknowledging the fact that there is a big tendency we won't be able to fight for it... that we may only be driven to part... to separate from the other love...

we hide... we lie... we deny... because we can't fight for it... or... because all the while we know, one will really have to go... and giving up it's comfort is something we don't want...

who admits to both... who doesn't lie to both... who doesn't hide from any of the two... only the one who from the very start is clear that it was all about making the other count while it lasts... it might have been love... yes... it is... but let's drop the delusions of 'can't live without'...

when we say 'we fight for love'... we make a stand... we choose... one over the other... no matter how high the stakes, you defend and protect... not ourselves but the love...

until then... the state of being in love with two people at the same time... is only a phase of confusion... if not, a stage of pure infidelity... don't anybody get me wrong... love is still what we have but we don't give it the kind of respect it deserves... love should never be in the hide... i am firm on that... but of course, that's just me...

having an affair or even harboring secret emotional ties to another, is not at all that bad... it is part of humanity... but it is harmful... to all parties... to the one who gives... and to both who receives... and then gives in return...

WE CAN LOVE TWO PEOPLE AT THE SAME TIME... BUT WE CAN ONLY LIVE ONE RELATIONSHIP... ONE HAS TO STAY... ONE HAS TO BE LOVED FROM AFAR... LIVING BOTH RELATIONSHIPS IS DECEIVING BOTH LOVES... AND DECEIT IS NEVER LOVE...

***

so many will say that love cannot exist without trust and intimacy... oh yeah? from whose book? whose theory?

oh well, i believe it can't without trust... but intimacy? if love is about total surrender and sacrifice, then it can...

piper's stalls for rent...

and i am posting this without piper's permission... hehehe!



this is just one of my bff's venture... aside from stickdreams, she does own stalls which are now open for rent...

like what she says, BE A BOSS, START YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!!

that's my piper... gets everything she wants in life... bigtime achiever...

P.S.

and i miss the girl...

by the way, the landscape was my doing... hehehe!

hate that i love you so...

As much as I love you
As much as I need you
And I can't stand you
Must everything you do make me wanna smile
Can I not like you for awhile? (No....)

But you won't let me
You upset me girl
And then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forget (that I was upset)
Can't remember what you did

But I hate it...
You know exactly what to do
So that I can't stay mad at you
For too long that's wrong

But I hate it...
You know exactly how to touch
So that I don't want to fuss.. and fight no more
Said I despise that I adore you

And I hate how much I love you boy (yeah...)
I can't stand how much I need you (I need you...)
And I hate how much I love you boy (oh whoa..)
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so (oooh..)

You completely know the power that you have
The only one makes me laugh

Said it's not fair
How you take advantage of the fact
That I... love you beyond the reason why
And it just ain't right

And I hate how much I love you girl
I can't stand how much I need you (yeah..)
And I hate how much I love you girl
But I just can't let you go
But I hate that I love you so

One of these days maybe your magic won't affect me
And your kiss won't make me weak
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you'll probably always have a spell on me...

As much I love you (as much as I need you)
As much as I need you (oooh..)
As much I love you (oh..)
As much as I need you

And I hate that I love you so
And I hate how much I love you boy
I can't stand how much I need you (can't stand how much I need you)
And I hate how much I love you boy
But I just can't let you go (but I just can't let you go no..)
And I hate that I love you so

And I hate that I love you so.. so...

***

thanks rihanna...

still is... always will be?

during lunch, julia mentioned that she has something to share with me later...

what about? she wouldn't spill the beans yet... but for the headlines, it's about me and a comment i made before in her blog...

i was anxious to find out what it would be... i didn't badger her any further but i did "kulit" her on seeing the blog again...

****

Friday, February 2, 2007
BLISS

When was the last time you feel completely happy??? Hmmpp...simple question, right? But for me, it's so fucking hard to answer. This question hits me like a thunder...it left me dumb headed. If this could be a jackpot question in a quiz bee or in a beauty contest, I would definitely miss the chance to win.

Happiness is relative right? We percieve it differently depending on our lifestyle, priorities and perhaps intelligence...I am a self confessed shallow, sanguine person...happy camper as they often referred. I'm easy to please... eating fishballs, isaw, walking, reading and just by staring blankly would satisfy me...that's why I can't decipher why i find this question very hard to answer... tsk! tsk! tsk! happiness...happiness...happiness...what's with you? Aaarrrgggg...think happiness, burn some neurons bitch!

Posted by JULIA at 9:50 AM
1 comments:

Anonymous said...

Happiness... as they always say is a decision... you decide when, where and with whom you share it with...

but then again, "being completely happy" is a dangerous label to use... it is rather inoperative for the moment, if you were to ask me...and to say the least, the farthest thing for now...

The road is still long... nights seem colder than ever... and most of all, smiling has never been this painful...

Dah dah dah... okay... i guess... you all get it now... i am presently not "completely happy"... so when was the last time i ever felt this way...

the answer is... ULTIMATELY DON'T REMEMBER AT AAALLL...

before contemplating on what the qualified answer would be... i have to dwell on much more pressing questions... what is ultimate happiness after all? how do we define "being completely happy"? is there such a state of happiness?

maybe... just maybe... most of us. just like you and me, find it hard to answer because... to ourselves, we don't even know what would make us blissful... what ever it is on earth that may elate us to such state...

it is much easier to answer what makes me sad... rather than what makes me happy... what makes me cry is far more manageable than what makes my heart smile... oh and yes, perhaps that explains why i favor old, sour love songs than the hopeful upbeats that speaks of love being just out there like as if it's a commodity.

Apart from the many minute lackness in my life, it is the grandest requisite for me to be closely if not completely happy... LOVE... in all its forms and shapes... LOVE!

You don't need anyone to be completely happy... you don't need a lover... you just need yourself... do not depend your happiness on someone... want it... have it... decide about it... be your own self's bestfriend... Oh shit... who are these books kidding? any counselor who advices such is nothing but ham sandwhich filled with molds.

I need a man... to love and to hold... I need a man... to share and to spare... I need a man... to kiss and to please... i need a man... to fulfill and reveal...

Cliches against cliches.... but one thing can never be changed... i can be completely happy even without my branded shoes... even without my techy gadgets... even without my filled wallet... but to my heart's desire, i can never really be completely happy without HIM!

February 13, 2007 7:25 PM

***

i wish i waited... til work is done... when the sun is already creeping behind the horizon...

not now when it's only 1pm and can't afford to have myself distracted with issues of the heart... of voids...

puta naman eh...

oooops... hold it... wag muna... dami pa work... saka na prue... mamaya na... sabay ka na lang sa pagbagsak ng ulan mamayang late afternoon...

julia was timely... but definitely wrong timing...

oh gahd... again... another 'like i always say'... YOU GRAVITATE YOUR MIND TOWARDS THE DOMINANT THOUGHT... so even without trying, the universe reminds me...

bah!

thank God it's raining!

not that i don't care if Romblon is flooded... or if entire Iloilo is now sinking and void of electricity... or if China is swept away... Frank does deliver catasrophe...

but i feel otherwise...

there is warmth in his cold wind... and should his whistle signal the coming of disaster, to me... it's more music than siren...

forgive me for finding solace during a storm signal 3... but i appreciate the rain or typhoon in today's case...

like i always say to myself and this line i just borrowed from the crow, IT CAN'T RAIN ALL THE TIME...

***

i am now here in the office... assembling today's episode... oh and yeah, from our outsource facility, we had to transfer... from what i know, QC is without electricity... so now, i'm here in the station...

and when i'm done, I'LL BATHE IN THE RAIN... like a child...

of books and comics...

yesterday was somewhat relaxing... i was a couch potato in the afternoon... not glued on the tv but with my CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS (DC) softbound... finally, in one sitting, i was able to finish it... it's been with me for months now but was neglecting it...

i hope to have more of those unexpected peaceful saturdays when all i'd do is read... while munching... while lying down.. or sometimes slouching... while smoking... while drinking coffee and coke (not or but and... one after the other of course)...

talk about indulging... and exercising an advice...

my 4 volume set of 52 seeks my attention already... now that i've finished it's prequel...




but it will have to wait for now because i intend to read LOVE IN THE TIME OF CHOLERA first... a friend is giving me a copy of the film version but i am obliging myself to read the book before seeing it... it's my first gabriel garcia marquez work... i am sure to have a second and a third...

which reminds me, i wonder who among my friends borrowed my HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS... was one of the very firsts who got it last july... it was a reserved copy from powerbooks... first to own, last to read...

angel? yeah... i think angel has it... biyaaaatch! hahaha!

jeez... got to catch up...

aint midlife but a crisis...

was just browsing through my friends' blog... one after the other... clicking on other blog links whose authors are mere strangers to me... until i read the phrase "midlife crisis"... ouch!

is it that? may i blame it as the culprit? am i expriencing one?

i am not so sure...



***

wikipedia says...

Midlife crisis is a term used in Western societies to describe a period of dramatic self-doubt that is felt by some individuals in the "middle years" of life, as A RESULT OF SENSING THE PASSING OF YOUTH AND THE IMMINENCE OF OLD AGE. Sometimes, transitions experienced in these years, such as aging in general, menopause, the death of parents, or children leaving home, can trigger such a crisis. The result may be A DESIRE TO MAKE SIGNIFICANT CHANGES IN THE CORE ASPECTS OF DAY TO DAY LIFE OR SITUATION, such as in CAREER, marriage, or ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS.

Academic research since the 1980s rejects the notion of midlife crisis as a phase that most adults go through. In one study, less than 10% of people had psychological crises due to their age or aging. Personality type and a history of psychological crisis are believed to predispose some people to this "traditional" midlife crisis. People going through this suffer a variety of symptoms and exhibit disparate behaviors.

Many middle aged adults experience major life events that can cause a period of psychological stress or depression, such as the death of a loved one, or a career setback. However, those events could have happened earlier or later in life, making them a "crisis," but not necessarily a midlife one. In the same study, 15% of middle-aged adults experienced this type of midlife turmoil.

Researchers have found that midlife is often A TIME FOR REFLECTION AND REASSESSMENT, but this is not always accompanied by the psychological upheaval popularly associated with "midlife crisis".

and the occurence...

For the approximately 10% of middle aged adults who go through an age-related midlife crisis, the condition is most common ranging from the ages of 35-50 (a large study in the 1990S found that the average age at onset of a self-described midlife crisis was 46). Mid life crises last about 3-10 years in men and 2-5 years in women.

A midlife crisis could be caused by aging itself, or aging in combination with changes, problems, or regrets over:

WORK OR CAREER
spousal relationships OR PERHAPS THE ABSENCE OF A SIGNIFICANT OTHER
maturation of children
AGING OR DEATH OF PARENTS
PHYSICAL CHANGES ASSOCIATED WITH AGING

Midlife crises seem to affect men and women differently. Researchers have proposed that the triggers for mid-life crisis differ between men and women, with male mid-life crisis more likely to be caused by work issues.

and the characteristcis...

Individuals experiencing a mid-life crisis have some of these feelings:

SEARCH OF UNDEFINED DREAM OR GOAL
A DEEP SENSE OF REMORSE FOR GOALS NOT ACCOMPLISHED
DESIRE TO ACHIEVE A FEELING OF YOUTHFULNESS
NEED TO SPEND MORE TIME ALONE OR WITH CERTAIN PEERS

They exhibit some of these behaviors:

abuse of alcohol
conspicuous consumption -- acquisition of unusual or expensive items such as clothing, sports cars, jewellery, gadgets, tattoos, motorbikes, etc.
depression HMMMM... IF MINE CAN BE CONSIDERED UNUSUALLY EXPENSIVE, GUILTY THEN...
paying special attention to physical appearance

***


huh! i'll have to calm myself then... after all, the age bracket did exclude me from the sampling... i'll have to trust it... but if it's not midlife crisis... what is it then? paranoia?

shrinking...

it is now past three in the morning... on the way back to the condo, i was asleep... the coffee i had in starbucks wasn't much of a help... my mind's too stressed...

later, i will have to get up by 11am... i hope i can... an appointment was made in medical city... it's my first time... i wonder how the shrink will treat me... how will she handle me... how will i respond to it...

i've been some sort of an emotional tow truck to a few friends... and that's while i have my own emotional baggages to carry... i seem to have managed all these years... but perhaps, i am on the last straw... the many challenging times has taken it's toll on me...

it maybe time i seek professional help... but please, let me not be a victim of stigma... aint mental... neither am i unhealthy up there... still sane... just that, my emotional and professional stress leaves me unable to address anger management issues... and with how i look at myself and the life i live... maybe, if i talk to someone who isn't bias or guilty of prejudice, the distinct perception may result to a new approach... friends... the closest in fact has the tendency to be protective... and families too... they can't bear seeing you distraught... they just won't let you feel bad about yourself... and in so doing, unconsciously... perhaps... i think, the effect is that we fail to realize a few things and see the other light...

so, let the moolah do it's job... pay someone to evaluate your condition... with professional objectivity...

***

how do u know if what you are feeling isn't a very common thing and that you need to seek someone with professional expertise about your depression, stress and anxiety...?

when you really feel like consulting one, it's probably a good time to sign up for one...my culture, views and framework of mind isn't westernized... but i do beleive that there's nothing to be ashamed or embarassed about it... sometimes, we need the assistance of others to help us with issues we can't correct on our own...

when issues keep reoccuring and you cant let it go... when low emotions creep on you and you begin to feel powerless or overwhelmed... and causes you to feel alone...

when your feelings interfere with the normal activities that define daily living...

when you start thinking of hurting yourself or others... not just physical but borders on emotional torture...

a therapist or psychiatrist may hold the answers... may fall unreliable... but what have we got to lose aside from a few thousands...

but it isn't just the "when"... it is also about the "why"...

i impress myself that it maybe useful to bounce ideas off a professional who deals with life's issues... a neutral party who can offer experienced advice may just be incredibly useful in helping me organize my self... my thoughts... my outlook... and my feelings...

why? because you already find yourself incapable of shaking off the worries...

i want to learn to be emotionally stable... and so i pray the shrink can provide me with sensible advices...

must rest now... getting up at 11am on a saturday is difficult for me...

bad timing...

ewan ko sa universe ha... parang nanunukso... parang hindi pa makuntento na lugmok na ako ngayon... sa trabaho, pag-ibig at buhay...

kundi ba naman nang-iinis... pagtayo ko sa upuan... pagkatapos kong magpahid ng luha...nagtext si cosmic-ex...

ang message? isang napaka-madamdaming... MUSTA?

kumusta ba? tanong mo sa lelang mong panot!!!

wala akong ganang sayangin ang piso ko sa pangangamusta mo? bakit nung kasama mo yung babaeng pangit magdala ng damit, hindi mo ako kinamusta...

sige na... bibitiw na ako sa blog na ito...

may kailangan pa akong gawin...

si love-from-a-distance, may hininging pabor... nagtext pa nga kanina para hindi ko makalimutan...

soco ha!!!

opo... eto na... basta para sa iyo poks... anything... wag mo lang ako makalimutan...


P.S.


pathetic... super pathetic ka prue... dapat hindi prudence ang palayaw mo eh.... dapat, ang nick mo, PAT... O kaya PATTY... short for PATHETIC!!! EWAN!

anong balak mo?

anong balak mo ngayon?
alis ka?
alis tayo?
layo muna?

o tiisin natin?
dito muna?
kaya pa ba?
o hindi na?

pero hanggang kailan?
kaya pa ba?
eh paano kung mali tayo?
kaya pa ba talaga?
o pinipilit na lang?

paano na?
anong plano?
alis ka ba?
o alis tayo?
layo muna kaya?

kung magkubli muna kaya?
o takbuhan ang lungkot?
pwede ba yun?
paano pagbalik?
ganun ulit?
anong nagbago?

wala di ba?

lungkot noh?
ganun ba talaga?
tingin mo?

o ano na?
alis na tayo?
layo muna?
o matira matibay?
bahala na lang ba?

kaya ba nating sagutin ngayon?
o bukas na lang?
hanggang kailan ba ang bukas?

pwede bang mangako sa isa't isa?
tingin mo?
ano kaya?
pwede ba natin ipangako?
kahit anong mangyari...
WALANG IWANAN?

MANINIWALA KA BA?

KAHIT WALANG KASIGURUHAN...
BASTA KASAMA KITA...
KAKAYANIN KO...

ano nang balak natin?
alis tayo?
o harapin natin ng magkasama?

P.S.

pwede bang magmura? dito sa blog? isang beses lang... yung hindi english... yung malutong... yung sobra nakaka-release? and so what... blog ko naman ito...

POOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

sorry sa lahat... may pagka-nega ba? tao lang... patawad... even superheroes die... love killed him... maybe one day, hopefully, love will revive him...

more tanong on life...

SANMIG LIGHT: kelan kaya natin matatagpuan ang nirvana? sana un lang yung cd na nabibili sa tower records... para lahat tayo masaya ngayon... fulfilled... frantic n so much bliss... kaso hindi, y? lahat tayo nabubuhay sa totoong mundo, daigdig kung saan hindi natin alam ano ba purpose natin at ano ba talaga ang dahilan kung bakit tayo nandito... gayong hindi natin alam what the meaning of life talaga... we're free pero nakakuling tayo sa sarili natin...

***

ang sagot ko... ang nirvana nasa batangas... nasa bohol... nasa mindoro... nasa palawan... nasa cagbalete... malayo sa kung nasaan ako ngayon...

gusto kong marinig ang bulong ng dagat... gusto kong payakap sa ihip ng hangin... gusto kong magpakalunod sa katahimikan ng isla... gusto kong dampian ng alon ang aking mga paa... gusto kong humimlay sa buhangin...

maaring mag-isa... pero mas gusto kong may naka-akay sa akin kundi man nakahawak din sa aking mga kamay... inaalayan... walang salita... tanging ngiti at gawa... ipina-a-alam sa akin na kahit anong mangyari... hindi ako tatandang malungkot... dahil hindi niya ako iiwan... umulan man o umaraw... bagyuhin man kami... dapuan man ako ng karamdaman... pumuti man ang lahat ng buhok ko... kumulubot man ang taba ko... lumaylay man ang balat ko... sa hirap at ginhawa... sabay kaming gigising para salubungin ang pagsikat ni haring araw... nagyayabang sa mundo... hindi niyo kami kayang paghiwalayin... hanggang kamatayan... hanggang sa kabilang buhay... pag-iisahin kami ng aming pag-ibig...

siya nawa...

at ako ngayo'y umiiyak...

papatayin ko ang nagtext nun sa akin...

salamat... sa gitna ng pangangarag ko, pinaiyak mo pa ako...

yosi muna...

wala ako sa mood mag-english... walang naidulot na maganda sa akin ang english...

sino pang may tanong?

prue: people, i wont be reporting for work today... but if you have anything to consult, u know where to reach me...


neggie: y? what's wrong? may sakit ka?

prue: yes, bad trip ako!


nanay: nakkcra tlaga ng ulo, db?


bettyboop: smile, it can only get worse...

prue: smile? ive no reason to.. for now... my morale's long gone... kagabi and this morning, naupos ako... surely it will get worse... but i intend to free myself... and il make sure the day comes... soon...


gabe: phils most beautiful women in shampoo ads: pantene - ruffa g... palmolive - kc c... sunsilk - marian r... head n shoulders - angel l... rejoice - kim chiu... clear - piolo p... hahaha!

prue: gagu ka tlga ha... bkt? may bea naman dun ah... binabastos mo papa p ko... panchito!


prue: so kumusta naman yung and2 ako sa SM? ni hindi ko alam gngwa ko dito... sobrang lutang yung utak ko... potah tlga.

navotasian: alone? kuya nanjan ka 2 take some time out at huminga ok? leave all ur thoughts about work, kahit sandali lang. luv u kuya.

prue: love u too po... embrace mo friend c neggie para sa akin... napagalitan ko eh.

navotasian: inimbrace ko na sya pero nagcry sya... but we understand nman what ur feeling, sabi ni neggi kung di ka lang nya love, nakkkuu! hehehe!

prue: sabihin mo kay neggie, wag maarte, BAWAL DAW MAARTE!


0922815_ _ _ _: DONTS to rememeber - dont wait for time, make it...dont wait for the path, find it... dont wait for opportunity, create it... dont go for less, get the best... dont compare, be unique... dont avoid failure, use it... dont dwell on mistakes, learn from them... dont back down, go around... dont close your eyes, open your mind... dont run from life, embrace and enjoy it... gud pm! :)

prue: hus dis?


neggie: kuya otep, idinaan ko na po ung envelop from june celzo, iniwan ko po sa guard, ung girl... tenkz

prue: tnx... galit b sa akin c neggie? nagtatampo? sbi ni kuya otep, super sori...

neggie: oo, kanina nung tumatalak ka... pero ngayon, ndi na, okai na, naiintindihan ko naman kung bakit ka nagkakaganyan, dis is da 1ts time after d disaster...


prue: navoice na script...

nanay: thanks. :) can i give the other tom pm? sobrang napagod lang... pls?

prue: okidoki

nanay: hay salamat po. :) ok ka na?

prue: no, wont be... i have to be smwer else to be ok...


anonymous: nabanggit ni celestina kanina kay tekla na kelan daw mag-outing ang jeep ni erap, antagal na daw nya cnasabe sa yo un... ayaw daw nya sa golden sunset... parang gusto kong sbhn sa kanya na celstina, ayusin mo muna buhay nyo para matuloy ang mga plano mo... hahaha

prue: aayucn ko yang outing... cge... but rly, i wont go... may angst ako. hahaha!

anonymous: hahaha!


pm: there will be a mass tomorrow at 11:15am, studio 4 for ces, jimmy and angelo. please advise your staff so they can attend. thanks

prue: will do po...


rudolf: umuwi na cla... (secret)

prue: (secret) just with our own self... much as we hate it...

rudolf: (secret)

prue: (secret) mukhang pare-pareho tayo ng sentimuento...

prue: (secret) in any case, m trying to be ok para di makahawa... kaht papanu.. though i know im failing at being an example...

rudolf: masaya kb sa buhay mo? pano ang bukas?

prue: and i fear that question... id lyk to say YES becasue i owe it to Him, to myself and to the many beautiful blessings dat came my way... BUT... da scary part is... my heart says M NOT... Oh God... sana iba na lang tinanong mo... ang dami ko hinahanap sa buhay ngaun... how can i be fully happy with a longing heart, a tortured mind and a beaten soul?

rudolf: (secret)

prue: (secret) u can never be too sure how good tomorrow will be... but wat we can do is to make sure TODAY counts with the people you care about... mas masakit if TODAY passes and TOMORROW may just be too late (albeit, NO TOMORROW!)

prue: my prayers to Him? sana sabay sabay na lang nya kami kunin ng mga kapatid ko... ni dete at ni ate... di ko kakayanin... i cant be sure wat n how tmrw will be... but m certain d ko kakayanin na wala mga kapatid ko... panic button ko yan... kaya ayoko tumanda.. kaya ako panic sa pagtanda... isa lang ibg sbhn nun... ang gusto ko, tumanda kami magkakasama, masaya... kaht may problemsm basta magkakasama... pero natatakot ako kasi mahirap yung hinihiling ko.

prue: rudolf, cno ang pillar of strength mo? u don't have to answer if ur not comfortable with the question...

rudolf: (secret)

prue: (secret)

rudolf: (secret)

***

i went home with two new pillows and a few chips and chocolates from the snack section of the ever pinagpipitaganang SM SHOEMART sa Cubao... diyan ako dinala ng aking mga naliligaw na paa after buying the megaphone with kuya willert sa Deeco ng Farmers Plaza...

i think, the last time ive been to SM Shoemart was... hmmmm... kumpleto pa family ko... bwahahaha!

leche!

cosmic ex...

well, nothing really new with me... just the same old life... kind of. most likely i will just post this and move on until something else revolutionary happens in my life...

so much less in fact, that i laughed at the last post i was suppose to put up... but deleted it... whats the point of being so god damn whiny when i do nothing for now but take it all in like a slice of heavy moussed cake down by my new favorite hang-out cheesecake in t. morato...

i may just sound as whiny as the last but oh well... i really don't care for now... this is what it should be after all... an outlet... some place to let off the steam... lose the extra baggage... pour out even the senseless of most stuff...

****

last two weekends, something strange and unexpected happened... i started talking (and i mean the kind of talking i wouldn't with any other guy) to one of my ex boyfriends who i thought i'd never associate with again...

we ended up hanging out thrice already since then...

****

i just bumped into him the first time... had a very comfy chat over coffee... exchanged non-sensical small talk just so we'd have reason to stay together through the night... until finally, we went to the condo... while uploading his videos from his digi-cam to my laptop, we catched up more and more with the lives we have now... how he's grown to be mature and finally walking the good direction...

the next thing i know, he's alreay inviting me out again for coffee... after a series of text messages... of hi's and hello's... of kumustas and have-you-eaten thingies, finally, we went out again... god knows i wasn't expecting a rebound from both of us... i am not the type who believes in 2nd chances with 'done and over with' relationships... and i don't think he intends to anyway...

just that we'd kid each other about significant others.. about why he stays single till now... if my present is a good one (oh yeah, i did pretend to have one... just so i can maintain that sense of market value and not look helpless... the hope of selling an image that 'hey, see... life's better after you'... and everytime we make fun of our past... we'd end up silent... like there was an angel that just passed by... or maybe... we really just run out of things to say... after going through the past, do we assume tomorrow's? nah... i don't think so... there's not even a slightest chance we'd be back in each other's life... not as lovers... more of friends...

but the third time was different... i got out at 1am to meet him and do very late dinner... i felt something i am not supppose to, i felt wanting him again... i dont know if this is just me reacting to the thrill of having some guy in my life again...

since i last saw him he's changed so much... both of us have... he used to be all crazily corny, mundane and self-centered... but now, he's totally chill and just... just different... it must be the depth in his heavy thoughts... his present actions seems to be dictated by a conscious analysis of how it will affect his life or what implications it will bring his future... at a young age of 26... after what? 6-7 years... he's now an adult... probably more than i have become... considering that i am much... hmmm... a little less older than he is...

it may sound absurd or pathetic that i am making such a big deal out of this but it's true... we are cosmic... piper always say, 'you're cosmic'... and if i am to interpret it in my own words, it meant 'we're destined'... but being cosmic doesn't mean eternal bliss... at least, not most times...

then again, at the same time that i'm feeling all of this happy... knowing that the times we're together, we're full of beans... still, now that i feel wanting him... again... i am deathly afraid...

i've only told a couple of people that we are semi-seeing each other again and that doesn't count because they don't even know him... i'm afraid of what my dete will think, if she'll judge me... i am fearful to be misinterpreted of 'spending' for love (let's face it... even in this agae and time, there's still stigma)... i know i will be judged... and hell, i don't give a single fuck... ('flying fuck' as my boss would put it... hehehe!)...

but what i am most threatened with... is that... there's nothing really between the two of us anymore... it's just me trying to fill a void...

we're cosmic because, almost everywhere... we unbelievably always bump into each other... and he's the only ex who's like that with me... wait... it sounds like pre-medidated by him... on a clearer note, i experience only such serendipatious (if ever there's a word that makes serendipity descriptive...) moments with him... and just him...

almost everywhere... starbucks... bang coffee... asia... antipolo... gateway... the fort... jayjay's... metro blends... makati... trinoma... port area... mindoro... fuck... for the love of all that's good and holy... almost everywhere i go, he's there...

it may seem like he's making hints we can start a relationship again. we're constantly talking and texting... and he's saying things that normally only a boyfriend would...

just a thought though, i'm not sure if i'm feeling that level of commitment right now... or if i ever will feel it... or if i even want to... again... wanting to have him again may just be because i miss taking care of someone...

last night, in eastwood, while ordering in fazoli's... from the sliding door, i saw him pass by... not again... in any case, he was with a girl... aint pretty that i'm sure of... ut dudn't really matter... why should it? we're not a pair... not anymore...

me and my friends sat outside... i need to have a stick or two every after meal... and there he was again, walking towards fazoli's with the girl... until i realize, he was with another pair just by the bar beside ours...

how could it be? my presence wasn't acknowledged... i was unnoticed... but he did pass by me... a step away from where i was sitted... impossible...

and so i texted him... at first he admitted she was his girlfriend... oh, i thought he's single... then the next message came, he claims he was just kidding... duh... and i told him i'm just by fazoli's... and unless he's new to eastwood and is still unfamiliar with it or just plain stupid, he mst have not realized fazoli's was just beside theirs... still... i didn't even see his head turn to look for me... inlike everytime that he sees me.. . even from afar... and yeah, no matter how distant, he'd recognize me amidst the crowd... but that night was different...

even his gestures was different... you see, i'm good at reading behaviors... yes, i flaunt... i am the best at it... very well trained by experience... there was a conscious effort not to look my way... hmmm... a very convenient excuse to not see me and be accused of not even acknolwedging my presence...

the four of them stood.... just across where i sat... still, whoa... not a little nod nor a very plain 'uy'... nothing... he seemed not to really see me... impossible...

theres just so many feelings and doubts and regrets surfacing now...

doubts... about myself... will i ever recognize the truest feeling again and be not be suaded that sheer want is liking and loving again the same old pal?

regrets... i shouldn't have gone out with him... it was a foolish thing... i was too much of a fool to even entertain...

i am being overly melodramatic... allow me... i must admit, apektado ako dun...

it is an issue to me... it isn't the worst thing though... neither is it enough reason for me to feel bad about him... but gahd, it is an issue to me...

for crying out loud, why ba naman kasi do we bump into each other that way... universe, don't confuse me... i remember what oogway said, 'there are no accidents'...

there it goes... at least, i'm getting back to my senses... i should...

haaaaay... two sticks and i'm off to dreamland... i hope my toothfairy visits me with a good dream...

charmed?

so, seems to me the charmed coven got charmed with the kind of intelligience we have? and so was the rich dad...

mukhang hindi naman nagsisinungaling ang lintek na website... actually, i am amazed... well, i'm sure it isn't all that we are... but true to it's form, it's a big part of us...

piper's a beauty in boxing gloves... yeah... my bff boxes and trains in muay thai...

but she's also "one crazy-busy succulent brat whose boss' name is embot" (copy/pasted from her profile)

and wyatt's a music guy... and yeah too... a nature-drifter and lover...

and that's because, he's a "journalist, poet, linguist, actor, singer, songwriter, percussionist-in-training, guitarist-in-training, sports lover, traveler, videographer, photographer, event director, television director, perennial wedding host, and professional beach bum with an unbelievably huge passion for life and an undying faith in love" (likewise)


so is phoebe... in fact, as a diva, she's better known as Milan on stage...

but in real life, she's "a.k.a. Marie Melanie, Mika, Marie, Lanie, a charmed one" (likewise)

paige? an expressionist... her diction comes from the heart...

but her true form? "A SUPERmom and WONDERwife Wannabe! My SUPER possesions in this world are my 2 Superboys! Though i love my ABS job and part-time prod work with my charmed friends, my lifetime career IS motherhood-and-marriage combined! And I'd go extra mile to be damn good at both. I know i'm still a work in progress...I can never be perfect." (likewise)


while i'm just a plain observer of life...