i am sorry...

my whole day was spent in meetings after meetings after meetings... monday is coherently a tight day with my station prodwork since we go on air on sundays...

day started with a production meeting with my anchor and over-all in charge of production... it turned out well actually and everything fell into place... thank God...

had a very lousy lunch in the office since i normally can't step out of the office between 12nn til about 3pm...at least not until Meryll has left the building... and to make best use of every minute, while having lunch, we held our regular story conference and post-mortem with the creative staff...

but even before i can finish my bowl of rice topping, i had to abort the meeting and set-up for my dance presentation with Meryll again... and damn, Kuya Mel almost gave me the nervous breakdown... it was 5 minutes to 2 but he still wasn't around... Kept on calling him on his mobile phone...

"para kang nakadroga... adik ka ba?!" sez kuya mel... what do i expect... i was like nagging him already... i understand though... he most probably doesn't have an idea how my life is with her...

anyway, thank God again... just as she went out of the studio... there was the sight of kuya mel...

"o ano, asan na... otep ano ba?! i have to leave na... dapat ready ka na eh"...

i think kuya mel even heard it...

and with kuya mel's 'paxencia na' charming line, she mellowed down and proceeded inside the room...

she liked the dance step... now that's a relief....

but that was just half of my day... i went back to the office to continue the meeting... wow... i think it went on for about 4 hours...

i don't know..maybe my mind was too tired... or maybe because i am half-hearted with what i'm doing... or simply impatient with the redundant question and answer portions... and the repeated "here's what you do...ganito gawin natin... o bakit ganyan... hindi na tayo natuto" litany... and i admit, i get tired with myself too... and i am very sure the staff is too... they probably even hate me for being the little elf (i am so tempted to bleed the "little elf" story... but i'd rather not...)

don't get me wrong.. i love the group... i may hate a few situations but as a team, i love them... or is it because i have learned to recognize new relationships and loose friendships with them? whatever that is, one thing's for sure.. they are now part of me...

i should mention too that we have managed to work out excellent episodes week after week... it wasn't always perfect... in fact. most times, it is too much lapsided but still... we manage to get it on air with flying colors...

to the staff, YOU JUST DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH I FEEL FOR YOU... despite being a bitch myself, IN MY HEART... MAHAL KO KAYO!!!

it was during the next meeting that i again allowed myself to be eaten by anger... impulsively, i blurted out to one researcher what a pain in the ass she was... i was fine one minute... the next minute i was hollering.. insensitive of her feelings... i do not want to even recall the hurtful statements i have thrown at her... but surely, i have insulted her... lambasted even...

truthfully, she didn't deserve it... i was well-aware that she was giving it her best... i was even wrong to think she came in late for work... it is just that apparently, the segment assigned to her was more than difficult... of all, hers was the toughest to complete...

i felt bad... realy really bad at myself... no... i was actually really BAD... mali eh... and just writing this down makes me cry... i hate myself for being that way... ayoko na ng ganun eh... pangit...

she was doing naman her job... i saw it... i felt it... i observed it... she was and she is... she was just in a situation she doesn't want to be in perhaps... but because it's work, she'll have to endure it... but should i have added to the pressure? shouldn't i just have stopped for awhile...listened... evaluated the situation... and then politely ask everyone to bring our heads together and generate solutions to the problem?

mali ako... i have realized but only after i have already hurt somebody else's feelings... i can be better than be this way... i know i can... please... please..have more control over yourself otep...

I AM SORRY... REALLY REALLY... I AM SORRY...

help me Lord, i think i am turning out to be just what and who i hate... i don't want to be... i don't want to hurt others... please forgive me...