a moment with myself...

well, my birthday was here and gone... and i am just having interesting realizations, or more like being reminded, of who i am and who i'm not...

for some people it takes the the seven year itch... as it did me and my first... for some, it may well be seven months... but because i tried delaying fate, it reached me or us a year... a little less actually... i still remember, it was piglet's birthday when he invited me to see him... and with a very surprising news that if i don't i might not see him anymore since he'll be leaving for switz in three weeks time, i had the extreme urge to excuse myself from the party and... and there i went... and slept... and dreamt... and now, i wake up...

again, don't get me wrong... no resentment here... we had our moments... no matter how fleeting, it was very much worth the while... just that it hits me... i thought it will only be the occassional outrage of pent-up emotions but i guess, i was wrong... it is the fact that i'm not good at handling long distance relationships... or atleast not when there's the absence of a rock-solid foundation... not when the only "quality time" you ever spent together is shorter than the mile i can endure walking... even backriding with him does not bring me to the far enough places where dreams seem real...

i beleive that even when the heart is weak but if the will is strong... there is a chance... love after all, for me, is more of a will than a mere feeling... but the gods are not with us... just when i am training myself to love unconditionally, more truths are revealed unexpectedly... was it? or perhaps the mistake was a mirage? and behind it was a motive...

expectedly, i shatter... i break into pieces... nobody can be that strong to go through the same complications over and over again...

we can only take so much... in my case, i've had it with the complications of knowing the one you felt will be different is still in love with somebody else... and i can't fight another round with mothers and "should or would be" wives... hard enough that i am not typical... harder that we're oceans apart... most difficult when there's a baby involved... it isn't the battle i'm willing to go through again... even when i am asked to stay, how can i when i'm not sure anymore where my place is in his heart...

rule of impenetrability... even in love and relationships, it does exist... he only has one heart and i don't think it can handle two of us... there won't be enough space for me... after all, i am big... and i intend to take an awful lot of space...

apparently, the spare “quality” time spent together doesn't measure up to painful truths... i'd rather not wait for us to start killing each other... i only have one lifetime and i'd like to spend the rest of it with someone i can be surely safe with...

thanks to my job, lost time has been manageable... i now come to realize that perhaps, it wasn't love that made us endure being far apart... it is the fact that we both have different set of priorities... ours was just a convenient escape... a sense of security... even for the time being... we walk different paths leading to opposite ends...

when we sleep, who do we dream of? does he of me...? do i of him?

we were just hiding under the sheets... but who do we want to wake up with?

i can't be mad at him... and it only justifies even more why i believe it isn't as much love as i thought it was... and then again, i am just as guilty... making it easier... acceptance can be an ally...

the big 34 has been an enlightenment... i have just realized after nearly 4 full-pledged relationships, "quality time” means a completely different thing to men, women.... and my kind...

women see quality time as time spent expressing their dreams, hopes, emotions, and a time to capture and look back on... a time to laugh and never forget... for men it’s about basketball, beer, time with their family and friends or even the box-office lady if it means being serviced with a smile before enjoying the movie...

for me, it's time spent without complications... without being reminded of all the what ifs and of only... of the things i have or have not done... without feeling that i should be thankful that at least and somehow i received and felt because after all... no... quality time is about assurance and being given the certainty...

i am here now saying that at last i have found the answer... so I have made a birthday resolution to concentrate on the little things that make me happy... until the one with certainty comes along... or perhaps, i will wait until the one person that holds me back on every other guy finally finds it in his heart that i can be his everything... but until then, i stay where i am... wait... move past the sunrise and just lie on the sand while the sun creeps in the silent dark...

P.S.

funny... on piglet's birthday, instead of bringing out the wine while on the shore and embracing... while waiting for the first light... we agree to not seeing each other... and now that the angel is here, i give back to him any reassurance... well, for one, we did live up to that "no promises... no demands... no commitments..." and so now i reap the fruits... it's time, i'll face it...

no more tears... it was a good ride... and i'll be remembering it that way...