i don't want to get to the end of my life and find that i have just lived the length of it... i want to also have lived the width of it as well... smiling when the sun rises... dreaming until the sun hides... but for now, i'm letting go... and this goodbye isn't just a new start... it confirms my submission to waiting... while searching...
Your Dominant Intelligence is Intrapersonal Intelligence |
 Reflective and thoughtful, you enjoy spending time alone. You are good at analyzing yourself - and knowing your true feelings. Totally self aware, you are in tune with your dreams and desires. A spiritual and philosophical person, your inner calmness inspires and helps others. You would make a great philosopher, researcher, or theorist. |
i cannot lose myself... hence, these fences to keep me where and who i used to be...
1. don't let the little stuff get to me...
2. spend lots of times outdoor and try enjoying nature with my self...
3. don't compare myself with anyone else neither will i compete with anybody else...
4. be grateful for what i have and not to worry about what i don't have...
5. surround yourself with positive and happy people...
6. when confronted with problems, just say "oh well, that's life" or "this too shall pass" or "i can't be beaten"...
7. look for solutions instead of endlessly discussing problems...
8. derive genuine pleasure from helping others and to remind myself always that giving is the most rewarding...
9. always remember to keep a sense of humor about things...
10. leave room in my life for God...
P.S.
i have mastered rules 2, 3, 8 and 9...
been a consistent failure with rules 1,6 and 7...
still learning to be comfortable with rules 4, 5, 6 and 7...
got to practice by heart rule no. 10...
i am convinced that only when you are confronted with the worst of times will you expose your growth in wisdom, and perhaps, after surpassing an ordeal, leave the past with a diploma in being wise... my guess is that not everybody sees it that way... myself included...
i have officemates, in fact friends, who are now liberated from the chains of slavery from my workplace... i am not sure if it even qualifies as quandary when truth is, we're tormented by staying...
it maybe that dismissal is never a pleasant exit but when you are not happy with what you do anymore and that the only raison d'etre you never quit is becasue you remain loyal, dismissal can be a relief... their lost, not yours... there is so much wisdom to be acquired when you get out of the comfort zone...
talk about wisdom, some of us shun it, or dismiss its value because the word wisdom has a musty, archaic sound to it, more similar to the desire for virtue than to the cleaner, more modern goal of intelligence or the most reliable motivators of ambition, prestige and power, albeit in acquiring mundane wants... id like to believe i am not one...
wisdom can also have a clicheic ring – no pain, no gain... quitters never win... so on and so forth... and simple aphorisms are attractive to whiplashers like some bosses... but for someone like me, wisdom has a unique role to play in my life and in my world... and that it would do me great deal of well to always consider it when i deliberate my actions with my self...
but i have failures...
why do we say yes when we mean to say no... nod to agree instead of a poker face if we can't atleast disagree... it is your birth right to rebutt and yet, you just swallow it whole... any odious remarks deserves a nasty payback... but we wait until we're dead burnt and drained before we defend and protect ourselves...
that is not wisdom...
over the last few days, work has been hell for most of us... changes... there ought to be changes... changes has to be decided in our lives... we must reflect wisdom...
the scenarios were compelling... we respond with a pause... a questioning look... if not, unwillingly admit... pretend to be passive... until resentment tortures our sanity...
loyalty can indeed be false wisdom... before anybody else, stay loyal to yourself... tendency is we forget that...
and in the midst of all of the remarkable opportunities that are afforded to those of us stupid enough to stay, my overly analytical mind begs the question of what it might look like if we were to intentionally quit and turn our backs on responsibilites... on obligations... on friends... consider the chance to redeem pride and self-esteem... but that too requires strength...
the pursuit of wisdom from my workplace is blur... we have to unlearn ourselves and fill it with whole new concepts of how to live... because until the time comes when you have the strength to leave... we settle with cruising and floating by... because committing to stay is not so much different from embracing a vocation... it won't even be half the life you want to enjoy.
"kumusta ka na angel?"
"ok lang... getting by... like always, managing."
"alam ko naman na i won't be missed."
"will it matter if we miss each other angel?"
"i don't know, it should ata."
"it shouldn't ata dapat."
"bakit naman?"
"it only confuses kung i-entertain pa... better that we don't... even if we feel it, let's not na."
"ayaw mo?"
"ang ma-miss ka? yeah... ayoko... i'd rather not."
"didn't see that side of you angel."
"where is this going?"
"wala lang, hindi ko alam."
"exactly... hindi mo alam... and i think, without intending to, you've hurt me again angel..."
"ha? what do you mean?"
"never mind... don't mind me..."
"kumain ka na po?"
"sorry but i have to go, ingat lagi."
P.S.
who said what? my closest friends would know...
who keeps the pride?
who puts up a mirage?
in the end, it's just false hopes...
just posting a few more pics of friends who made saturday night a wild wacky get together... 
stanley and len... 
paul and iris... who held a concert of their heart-felt repertoire...
again, paul with anthony, bien, iris and stan...
and that's my dear kuya nelson who looks 'mangan' with his balbas... hahaha! i bet he doesn't know what mangan is... 
charmed sister paige and bff piper with tipi and my dete and nanay bles... 
len with honey kuya rey... 
corazon with her big papa edmond... hehehe!
ever loyal dama "acheng" who took charge of the oysters with my specialty topping... 
yayita acheng still mastering the grill... no wonder lapot na lapot na... hahaha!
a month has passed already since my birthday but i still relish...
first, he invited me to dinner to celebrate my birthday with him... and that we'd have a celebration cake together... it was the first time we'd go out just the two of us...
there would have been instances before but i always shy out of it... inviting common friends to go with us... i don't know... i just fear being with him by myself... it's like drowning... i just can't breathe.. i feel like gasping for air... to be with him... and just us... kindah pulls me deeper into the pit... get what i mean? it's how it feels, isn't it...
and writing about it now... whoa... hahaha... you'd choke me to death for being overly nostalgic... (i hate that word... knowing what it means... hmp!)
during dinner, he asked what my birthday wish was... WTF... not that one... you can't ask about that... okay, i can be brave... and so i sold myself out... go figure...
we shared so many stories... about our past... the present... and the future... about formers and hopefuls... on dreams... wants... and goals...
wow... i think that was the first time we ever spoke with each other that way... that close... been friends for almost three years now... but it is only then that we seem to be shedding realities...
it was a nice feeling that we are getting closer... knowing more about each other is a good thing... speaks better of friends after all...
we ordered so much as we wanted to pig out but lo and behold, i am a different person with him... hahaha... we didn't finish any of it...
an hour or two have passed and i wasn't really sure if he'd have more time for me or he just tried to fit me into his busy sched... but i guess, the night was mine... so we had dessert in cheesecake's morato...
still pigging out... we had 4 different cakes and mousses served with 3 extra orders of whip cream... such a sweet night i would say...
hehehe!
up to now i still can't believe how much i've opened ip myself to him... sharing even my unfortunate romantic becomings...of past relationships... of how i thought i had my dream love...
the farthest thing in my mind was to off-put him... well, he appeared not... and i thank him so much for being receptive... even showed signs that he can't believe i ever submitted myself to such a relationship... he required affirmation... and so i went on with details of my past relationship... not with angel... but with mr. ace on-line editor...
it was a perfect night... the kind i really prayed for... God is so good to me... i am not asking for a relationship with this guy... nothing romantic... we can't i know and i accept... accept? wait... hmmmm.... ewan ko... my diction is short for now... can't find the apt word for how i feel... it hurts to long for him... to miss him... to want him so much... but i won't push at the expense of pure friendship...
for now... i'm fine with the fact that he knows I LOVE HIM... for two and a half years now, yes... I HAVE BEEN LOVING HIM... NEAR AND FAR... fuck shit fuck... hahaha! he won't like these words and curses... too christian, straight, well-mannered and very scholastic.... but not boxed... and it's part of what i like about him... he bends to normalsy without losing his clear set of values...
proceeded to have tea in bang coffee... just to cap the night and soothe the heavy feeling of being too full... for him, it's not usual... he's very conscious of his diet and physique... his dilemma? burning the calories off the next day...
which i doubt if he can get up early... after all, it was past 4am when we headed home... no... we didn't head home... he brought me back to the condo and he went home... to be very specific... LOL...
speaking of the next day... saturday night was set for the grill party on the condo rooftop... will he come? we're both not sure... friday especiale with him would be the best way to culminate my birthday week...
without sounding too unfair to everybody else who celebrated with me... i am really really sorry... but our date tops the chart... harharhar!
i am not the bit intersted to pursue saturday plans... after all he's not sure to come... no... he has to... otherwise, my celeb ends not with him...
oh heck... i've invited too many close friends already... and the sky is clearing... reading the signs... i should get on with it... my dete too is coming after all...
every minute, i whispered... please please please... make him come... make him see the light.... make him feel he should attend... that i will be devastated if he doesn't...
guess what?
the best gifts really don't come wrapped in fancy papers... just in plain but charming black...
P.S.
he and my dete got along pretty well... it was the first time they met each other... knowing my dete likes him is a big deal to me... i dream that my guy will really be close with her...
well, if you've seen the mtv from the previous post, you know very well now that Papa P just made my bday a very special one... hehehe!
a special gift from my very good friend manny who always manages to make me happy with simple but well-thought of surprises...
and since i can't get over it... i'm reposting Papa P's pagbati...
Papa P knows me because my friends revealed to him or rather "squealed" how much i adore him... yes... ADORE is the word... AT MAHAL KO SIYA... to a point that i scarce myself everytime he's around.. i can't 'cause really, i will die... super... hahaha!
and i do have special moves of my own... whenever i learn a friend has an appointment for a shoot or interview with him, as much as i can, i'll have something prepared for him... as a simple gift of course...
perhaps some day, i'll post about all my encounters with the handsome guy... oh wait, not really encounters... more like my collections of his signatures...
by the way, you may find it that the "hope to see you soon" is just small talk but please... it is not... he meant it really... because, despite hos knowledge of my existence... i remained mysterious... hahaha... mysterious daw... somebody please paki-batukan ako!!! giiiiiissssiiiing prue!
P.S.
please do not regard me as a "Fan"...
i am not...
i am an obsessed admirer in the hide... hahaha!
kidding of course...
now that i am nearing mid-life, i am maturing in many ways... piper says i sound so much different now from before... i hope i mature without re-creating a new me...
somehow, i feel i won't... and having to sit in front of a couple cuddling without a care to the world around them, i am refreshed with happy images...
until i realized my LSS was just about these images...
so here goes the product of the light-weight, stress-free minutes of my life... LOVE IN EVERY FORM... and watching it is reassuring that i'm still ME... at least, the good part...
(don't forget to turn off my page's default music "northern sky" when you play this...)
life is short, so let's break the rules... try to forgive quickly... kiss slowly... laugh uncontrollably... and never regret anything that made us smile...
i hope I can do it all... maybe we should...
and i hope somehow, with this simple thingy, we are reminded that life is beautiful indeed...
there will be times that it will not work out the way we plan them to be... but it will always leave us with wonderful memories... so whether you revel in the present or is just inspired from the past, do make it count...
well, my birthday was here and gone... and i am just having interesting realizations, or more like being reminded, of who i am and who i'm not...
for some people it takes the the seven year itch... as it did me and my first... for some, it may well be seven months... but because i tried delaying fate, it reached me or us a year... a little less actually... i still remember, it was piglet's birthday when he invited me to see him... and with a very surprising news that if i don't i might not see him anymore since he'll be leaving for switz in three weeks time, i had the extreme urge to excuse myself from the party and... and there i went... and slept... and dreamt... and now, i wake up...
again, don't get me wrong... no resentment here... we had our moments... no matter how fleeting, it was very much worth the while... just that it hits me... i thought it will only be the occassional outrage of pent-up emotions but i guess, i was wrong... it is the fact that i'm not good at handling long distance relationships... or atleast not when there's the absence of a rock-solid foundation... not when the only "quality time" you ever spent together is shorter than the mile i can endure walking... even backriding with him does not bring me to the far enough places where dreams seem real...
i beleive that even when the heart is weak but if the will is strong... there is a chance... love after all, for me, is more of a will than a mere feeling... but the gods are not with us... just when i am training myself to love unconditionally, more truths are revealed unexpectedly... was it? or perhaps the mistake was a mirage? and behind it was a motive...
expectedly, i shatter... i break into pieces... nobody can be that strong to go through the same complications over and over again...
we can only take so much... in my case, i've had it with the complications of knowing the one you felt will be different is still in love with somebody else... and i can't fight another round with mothers and "should or would be" wives... hard enough that i am not typical... harder that we're oceans apart... most difficult when there's a baby involved... it isn't the battle i'm willing to go through again... even when i am asked to stay, how can i when i'm not sure anymore where my place is in his heart...
rule of impenetrability... even in love and relationships, it does exist... he only has one heart and i don't think it can handle two of us... there won't be enough space for me... after all, i am big... and i intend to take an awful lot of space...
apparently, the spare “quality” time spent together doesn't measure up to painful truths... i'd rather not wait for us to start killing each other... i only have one lifetime and i'd like to spend the rest of it with someone i can be surely safe with...
thanks to my job, lost time has been manageable... i now come to realize that perhaps, it wasn't love that made us endure being far apart... it is the fact that we both have different set of priorities... ours was just a convenient escape... a sense of security... even for the time being... we walk different paths leading to opposite ends...
when we sleep, who do we dream of? does he of me...? do i of him?
we were just hiding under the sheets... but who do we want to wake up with?
i can't be mad at him... and it only justifies even more why i believe it isn't as much love as i thought it was... and then again, i am just as guilty... making it easier... acceptance can be an ally...
the big 34 has been an enlightenment... i have just realized after nearly 4 full-pledged relationships, "quality time” means a completely different thing to men, women.... and my kind...
women see quality time as time spent expressing their dreams, hopes, emotions, and a time to capture and look back on... a time to laugh and never forget... for men it’s about basketball, beer, time with their family and friends or even the box-office lady if it means being serviced with a smile before enjoying the movie...
for me, it's time spent without complications... without being reminded of all the what ifs and of only... of the things i have or have not done... without feeling that i should be thankful that at least and somehow i received and felt because after all... no... quality time is about assurance and being given the certainty...
i am here now saying that at last i have found the answer... so I have made a birthday resolution to concentrate on the little things that make me happy... until the one with certainty comes along... or perhaps, i will wait until the one person that holds me back on every other guy finally finds it in his heart that i can be his everything... but until then, i stay where i am... wait... move past the sunrise and just lie on the sand while the sun creeps in the silent dark...
P.S.
funny... on piglet's birthday, instead of bringing out the wine while on the shore and embracing... while waiting for the first light... we agree to not seeing each other... and now that the angel is here, i give back to him any reassurance... well, for one, we did live up to that "no promises... no demands... no commitments..." and so now i reap the fruits... it's time, i'll face it...
no more tears... it was a good ride... and i'll be remembering it that way...
i holler at them...
much as i hate to admit...
sometimes, they become my outlet...
and they don't deserve it...
i insult them even...
mocking their very existence...
judging the reason for their creation...
oh and yes, at times, i make them feel i look down on them...
all these to provoke them...
to motivate them...
to pursuade...
to challenge their capacity to rise above expectations...
i've become someone i don't know anymore...
shifted to a personality not mine but somebody else's...
albeit, a protege turning to be like the mentor...
and that sucks...
they have become my victims...
our victims...
they have every reason to hate me...
to curse me...
yet, on the eve of my big day...
they concocted something i don't expect...
a tribute i'd never imagine they think i deserve...
not the candles or the cake...
nor the card or the tune of greeting...
but the smiles on their faces...
and the intention of making me feel special...
it's what melted my heart...
thank you very much everyone for making my birthday count...
it's indeed an unexpected wonderful surprise...
to gather together and pretend you'd play poker with me...
duh! hahaha! poker? you? hahaha! nice try!
TO MY PIGLET AND BLUETOOTH...
maraming maraming maraming salamat... i heard it was your idea...
TO MY JULIA, NEGGIE, POLDI, ATE JERLYN, LIEZL, VKY, KAYE, JAY, LENTOT, KUYA NELSON, ARMA DEAR, JEROME, KUYA MONTES, KUYA BONG, KUYA REY, YAYA CHELSEA, MANNY, DENMARK, ANGEL, MARK, BIEN, LEONARD... many many many heartfelt thanks...
TO HUGZ ELTON AND SIR WILMER... warmest gratitude for celebrating with us that night...
and TO ALL WELL-WISHERS... blessed be to to you...
Thursday, August 9, 2007
a poem for PRUE
don't think twice...
do whatever can revive your life
you owe it to yourself
you deserve a respite from that nightmare
prue, you’re one hell of a fighter
just be sure to choose your battles
it's okay to back off!
but knowing you—
for now that's not an option
so hold on to your sanity,
you'll make it through…
Haha! “Welcome to the ZOO!”
* * * * * * * *
so? welcome back to me!!!
i would have began blogging again weeks ago but i just had so much in mind as to what piece to write about... but i won't re-open... not until i very much feel like it... it will come naturally... my mind and will sez i should already but my heart doesn't feel the magic yet...
should i explain my hiatus? should i post about my birthday? or the pain of realization why i had to bid goodbye? or then again, a new found love... or warabawt, knowing the love i can't ever find the strength to turn my back on? or that trip back to bohol with who else but bff piper?
or should i finish the video i'm editing first and let it be my opening statement?
but a part of me thinks i have an obligation to state clearly why from sunrise, i'm now basking during sunset... for the love of all that's good and holy... i can't make up my mind... can't get it straight...
not until i was browsing through paige's page... looking through her archive of reflections...romance... and reasons... i chanced upon her entry on A POEM FOR PRUE...
i honestly don't recall having to read it... bah... there's one comment... who could it be from? moi?
yeah... dumb fat ass... you read it... commented about it... how could you forget? hahaha!
well, why won't i... the poem was JUST about me, my work and my fucked-up devotion to it....
but reading it now...
it isn't just about it anymore... it felt JUST about me, my life... and my devotion to love... can't give up now... just can't...
so here i am... BACK FROM THE DEAD... PRUE LIVES... AND FIGHTS ON!
