Looking back...

[lifted from my chronicle]

Sept. 22, 2006
2:03 am
condo… sa bed


since that moment we last spoke, there was never a day that I have not thought of you… either something reminds me of you or you just suddenly emerge from thin air… one thing is definite… I can never escape the longing… and I won’t deny, I think of you still… my heart feels for you even up to now… maybe even till then…

sometimes I reminisce… at times, I simply wonder… what would it be like to still be with you… I’ve an answer for myself, definitely not perfect but it is what I want in life… I’ll be happy… there will be crying… there will still be fighting… I will be unreasonably jealous with the rest… but i’m sure and I know, I’ll be happy…

but of course, this is all just nothing but a hopeless dream now… it can never be that way… we’ve closed the book and I think none of us wants to go through preface again…

I can never forget, I ‘ve let you go with “sige na, tama na… alis na ako while I still love you…” … hanggang ngayon, it remains that way… mahal pa rin kita…

what was it you said? “hindi naman kailangang magka-ganito… intindihin mo lang ako… stay... hindi ka naman…” you never finished that line… you didn’t want to hurt me more than you already have… you were sensitive to realize it that moment… you were right, it will hurt me like hell… but even with you not saying it, having known that’s how it is, you weren’t able to save me from the pain… masakit yun kasi terminal point pala talaga… wala pala talagang pag-asa… tama ka naman, hindi naman ako babae… so whatever I do, will have to content myself with less of you…

alam mo kung anong pinakamasakit? The fact that I am willing to have less of you kesa mawala ka… that you couldn’t offer me full commitment and yet, I want you still… but having felt that, I still gave up on us… I gave up my own happiness…

alam mo, dami ko naging crush… si piolo, si vhong, si derek… meron pa ngang bago ngayon… si ivan… grabe… and all because, I associate them with you… they look like you or at least hawig… parang ikaw na rin yun… pathetic noh?

That is how much I long for you… sobra kitang miss…

Siguro, sana… this chronicle makatulong… either to fully embrace moving on… maybe even totally forget you… from here on, I have a prayer… that by the day I finally close my eyes and abutin ko ang last page, sana… sana naman… though it was you that made me begin reflecting… my prayer is that I don’t die still loving you…

Pero ngayon, hahayaan ko muna… mahal pa kita… sana alam mo… gusto pa kitang mahalin.


Still you,
otep