fate or faith...

tomorrow... or actually later... my life for the next few months will be determined... a choice that may very much affect how my yuletide will be... not that it is or i am depending my happiness on someone but hey, the big guy's only human... i've needs and wants... i can learn not to be demanding but i can never teach a longing heart to stop missing...

will it be fate or my faith?

i have to admit, i am scared of what the answers might be... that's how 'praning' i can get... i've waited for sure answers that can be made only today and now that the day has finally arrived, here i am... eager but fearful...

why is it raining? an early signal to my emotional onslaught? i hope not... please... dear God... please... consider it my christmas wish... let my angel come home...

later... later...

waiting and having faith...

i am sending this out to the wind... may my heart's melody be heard by my angel...



I never felt magic crazy as this
I never thought moons knew the meaning of the sea
I never held emotion in the palm of my hand
Or felt sweet breezes on the top of a tree
But now you're here
Brighten my northern sky.

It's been a long time that I'm waiting
Been a long that I'm blown
It's been a long time that I've wandered
Through the people I have known
Oh, if you would and you could
Straighten my new mind's eye.

Would you love me for my money
Would you love me for my head
Would you love me through the winter
Would you love me 'til I'm dead
Oh, if you would and you could
Come blow your horn on high.

I never felt magic crazy as this
I never saw moons knew the meaning of the sea
I never held emotion in the palm of my hand
Or felt sweet breezes in the top of a tree
But now you're here
Brighten my northern sky.

barefoot in the park...

corie: I don't know what he wants... I don't know how to make him happy... What am I going to do, Mother?

ethel: That's the first time you've asked my advice since you're 10... It's really very simple... All you have to do is give up a little bit of you for him... Don't make everything a game... just late at night in that little room upstairs, take care of him... Make him feel important... If you can do that, you'll have a happy and wonderful marriage like 2 out of every 10 couples... You'll be one of the two, baby.

wow... even after, hmmmm... when was the last time i watched Barefoot in the Park? say... when i was still in college...? i am not fond of old movies but this romantic comedy film of robert redford and jane fonda is one of the very few i've loved... and even up to now, it still is a valentine treat...

corie (fonda) and paul's (redford) romanticism narrates the woes borne from a newly wed's puppy love but corie, being the frivolous spirit and paul, as the 'stuffed shirt', discovers early in their married life that to make it work, they both just have to compromise with each other... just like what corie's wry but well-meaning mother said, 'give up a little bit of you...'

corie: Paul! Aah! You're going to kill yourself! Come down!

paul: No, I want to be a nut just like everybody else in this building!

corie: No, I don't want you to be a nut... Come down.

paul: No... Not until you've said it again, loud and clear.

corie: Anything, Paul, anything.

paul: My husband...

corie: My husband...

paul: Ah-choo! Paul Bratter...

corie Paul Bratter...

paul: rising young attorney...

corie: rising young attorney...

paul: is a lousy, stinking drunk...

corie: Is a lousy, stinking drunk... and I love him.

paul: I love you, too, Corie... Even when I didn't like you, I loved you.



woohoo... some shit... forgive me for being queer... but i think i'm a corie... hahaha!

it's just a phase...

my sticks... my music... my coffee... and a new companion, my blog...

so here i am... just overlooking the tinsel that morato is during a saturday night... under a normal state, i'd be out with friends... perhaps with my closest girlfriends... piper or piglet or palaka... i wonder how fritci is now? i hope she's just doing fine with her pregnancy and all... she must be heavenly... i remember forecasting her life that she'd grow old with a baby but without a man... hahaha! only fate would know...

i guess the phase has arrived... when was the last time i had an emotional seizure? ah yeah... last year, it was march... just before summer... i was missing him because memories of our galera vacation resurfaced...

how come i'm having it now again? is it the rain? can't be... it hasn't for days... the season to come... perhaps... or... or the fact that my relationship is threatened again... or maybe this is my normal neurotic me... any attempt to divert my prevailing thoughts and emotions are all but fleeting...

one thing i know, i only go out by myself when i'm really really in despair... a broken man... i don't know why but i just feel lost sometimes... for someone who claims to be intelligient, i'm a wreck at figuring out my self and my life...

an excellent career... fine friends... and i'd like to believe i am spiritually balanced... yet, i feel i'm a mess... is it because fate is taunting... always teasing me... yet when i claim to have it, fate takes it back? this wasn't the first time i was tricked...

i am burning now... and i can't put off the fire... i wish someone would for me...

you see, it wasn't suppose to be this way... yuletide is special to me and in fact, wen the ber months arrived, i was ecstatic... shit! i wasn't expecting this phase at this time of the year... i am trying to turn it off but i am naturally dead these days... i should have lighted a candle for me in columbary to mark my mourning...

i'll light a stick instead... how many minutes does a stick take away from me anyway? i can't remember... i just smile knowing it does...

funny how i can isolate myself from everything... they all move around but i hear nothing... involuntary numbness that seem to magick me somewhere else... i like the word... numb... i hope i literallly learn to be it... not just momentous...

the heck... let dido play for now... sing me my tune while i'm at it... this too shall pass... until then, i'll deal with it...



I didn't hear you leave,
I wonder how I am still here
I don't want to move a thing,
It might change my memory

Oh I am what I am,
I'll do what I want,
But I can't hide

And I won't go,
I won't sleep,
I can't breathe,
Until you're resting here with me.

And I won't leave,
And I can't hide,
I cannot be,
Until you're resting here with me.

I don't want to call my friends,
They might wake me from this dream
And I can't leave this bed,
Risk forgetting all that's been

Oh I am what I am,
I'll do what I want,
But I can't hide

I won't go,
I won't sleep,
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me

I won't leave,
I can't hide,
I cannot be,
Until you're resting here with me.

happy sun in bacolod...

my bff really knows how to cheer me up... here's the latest update on the happy sun campaign... i took the liberty of lifting from piper's blog her newly posted comic life article just so i can share the big news with everyone...



piper was right... bacolod is my favorite province... and it's really sweet of her to extend the ray of sunshine to the city of smiles... now, i am very excited once again... from piper's loved Bohol to prue's loved Bacolod... yaaaahhooooo!!!!

just in case you want full briefing on what the campaign's about, the Happy Sun link's on my sidebar... 'tah!

worth the laugh...

i slept pretty late yesterday... ooops... mali... i crept into bed early this morning @ around 5am... hahaha... so i practically didn't get sleep yesternight... hmmm... not quite actually... yeah... i didn't get that sleep last night... but boy oh boy, i got up 5pm na this afternoon... so just makes it bawi-bawi na din... gulo noh... long for saying, hindi ako nakatulog...

had nothing to do last night but wallow in misery and torture myself if he's ever coming home... listening to my usual emote repertoire... i just found myself texting julia at 12 midnight... "kain tayo... harbor square"...

so there i was... with my ipod, listening to northern sky of nick drake... thinking of my angel... pondering on where i am now in the world... imagining what my life could have been if only and what if... and since i got to harbor square ahead of julia, i had time for myself... to obviously emote and allow the night to just engulf me...

when julia finally arrived, we transferred to remedios circle... and ate at max's... then proceeded to starbucks... haaaaaay... sarap tumanga and watch people passing by... making 'pintas' on everyone just so you'd feel good about yourself... oh and yes, speaking of... there was this lady who's bigger than i am... much bigger... and she literally didn't have a neck... i mean, her cheeks reached to her shoulders... ang bad noh... sorry na... let me just this once... once? hello! pintasero ka tlga...

anyway... i actually went to manila feeling a little low... but the night ended with us laughing like crazy... i remembered kingdaddyrich's entry on mga 'namamalimos'... each type of namamalimos having their own gimik and technique just so you'd offer a penny... last night, i discovered a new kind... hehehe!

at first i couldn't understand what she was singing... yes... she sings in exchange for the few pennies... it wasn't a christmas carol... it was better than that... do you know 'high school' of sharon cuneta... the beggar's own version of the lyrics is a blast... here goes...

high school na... pinag-college pa...
pinagpokpok lang pala...
high school na... pinag-college pa...
pinagpokpok lang pala...

(chorus)

ang saya ng hostess...
laging naka-burlesk...
bukas may sakit na siya...
ang saya ng hostess...
laging naka-burlesk...
bukas may sakit na siya...

hahaha... able to follow? here are the original lines so you'd have reference for the melody...

High school life, oh my high school life,
Ev'ry memory kay ganda.
High school days, oh my high school days
Are exciting kay saya.

(chorus)

Ang saya ng high school,
Senior years in my school
Di na mapapantayan.
T'yak ganyan ang buhay na sadyang makulay
Alaala kailan man.

mind you, i don't really give alms... but i made an exception on this one... i gave her i think 20pesos worth of coins... after all, she did really make me and julia laugh... thanks girl...

i love you dad...

i do not religously visit the columbary for belief that it isn't my dad who's there... he's up there... i know that... in fact, i didn't even bring him flowers when he had his birthday... i'd rather throw a kiss to the wind and look up... but since my family's an old school, all souls' day is an occassion i can't evade... and like always, i took charge in preparing the flowers and everything that comes along with the tradition...

so there i was in dangwa... picking the best flowers i know my dad would like... and since the flower arrangement occupied a wide space in the van, i had to drop it off first sa columbary before picking up my mom and dete...

it was suppose to be brief... but when i had a glance at my dad's picture... i couldn't control it... my tears fell...

it was unlikely of me to even talk to him through his picture... but i did... saying sorry's and thank you's... i had so much to tell him... some i already have... others ive had over and over again... and a few still remains unsaid... so here i am, pouring it out...

dear dad,

do you remember the many times that we strolled the mall with ate and dete? well, ako i remember... sana ikaw din... it's my best best vivid memory of the two of us... i was already gay that time and you knew it... yet, you'd walk with me... you'd hold my hand... and the way you held me, it was tight... and i'd look at you and realize that you don't mind pople seeing you with a gay son... gaaahd dad... you just dont know... it was all that i needed... no words... no confrontations... no QAs... just that...

i used to wonder and ask dete and ate how you felt when they finally confirmed with you that i am gay... they'd tell me you said nothing... although you smiled and said "lintik"... hahaha! how young was i ba nun? i think about 21... dete and ate knew much ahead of you but they promised not to tell you until i say so...

i waited for the day to come when you'd talk to me... curious on how you'd express your disappointment and frustration... but it never came... you never argued with me about it... i was glad actually but i was still hoping that somehow, i'll hear words like "anak pa rin kita... mahal kita anak... hindi ka na ba magbabago anak... whatever you decide anak, tatanggapin ko"... yeah, you never said foul words but you never assured me of anything as well... you didn't hate me, i'm sure of that... but your silence made me more anxious to know how you feel about me...

until it struck me, what words was i looking for... how many times have you firmly held my hand... letting me kiss you in public as my way of saying thank you for buying me rubber shoes, clothes, my marvel comics... in fact, now that we're talking about it... i remember, you even gave in to my request of buying me that red guess pants i so wanted... you hated it because it was red... hahaha! i can still imagine the look on your face when i asked you to buy it for me... you were shocked like hell... red pants? but still, you bought it...

even when i was already older and i started to be much comfortable with being gay... there wasn't a time that you made me feel you were embarassed by me... you'd even make me 'pakilala' to your officemates and kumpares... "mga pare, bunso ko... naiwan sa kusina eh..." and then you'd pull me closer to you...

those were much much stronger messages of acceptance... of love...

by now you should already know dad... after all, you can see me na from up there all the time... there are nights that i cry... regretting that our family had to be this way... i mean, i know that dete, ate and me grew up perfectly well... but still, what i would give to turn back time so we'd start all over again...

sometimes, naiisip ko... maybe i want to stay a kid or childlike forever kasi those were the best days of my life eh... yung bata pa ako... we were complete... we'd go to luneta on sundays... then you'd bring us to harrison plaza for that bumpcar ride and moonwalk... mommy would cook the best meals on saturdays and sundays kasi lahat tayo nasa bahay... you're too busy on weekdays kasi with your shootings and all... ate's keen on her nursing course... dete was like 'bawang' in her school activities... but weekends were sacred to the all of us... yeah... yeah... i think that's why...

i just wonder how it would be if you never separated? maybe i didnt have to transfer school... maybe i'd never be able to gimik until morning... or maybe i'd still but you'll holler at me to kingdom come when i get home... maybe i'd take that U.P. entrance exam to Law School... or maybe i'd pursue that application to be a jesuit volunteer in ateneo... maybe i'd have second thoughts on accepting myself as gay... maybe... ewan ko...

ate may not have dreamt or wanted to work abroad... oh yes, i love it... i enjoy having a sister from abroad who sends me stuff and all... allowances even up to now... signature everything and all the mundane pleasure money can buy... but it isn't what i really want... God knows... in fact, you should know dad...

it isn't what we want... i missed you dad... i still miss you even during the time when we were seeing each other again... and i miss you more now... sana you never had to leave that night dad... sana you and mommy found a way to work it out... but don't get me wrong dad... i don't hate you... i never did... and i never will... i have forgiven you long ago for leaving us... it took me quite a while to understand why you had to go... but i got there... self-preservation is requisite to all of us... sometimes even to parents...

do you know what my dream is sometimes dad? the place i can't really recognize... but the ambiance is happy... in my dream, i am at this age... we're walking... and you are still holding my hand...

dad don't let go of me, dete and ate... ok? just hold our hands because we feel safe when you're around... dete never forgets how you defend and protect her... ate still thinks of that moment when you said she'd be able to accomplish anything she sets her mind on... and i'll forever cherish in my heart that moment when you told me i am your junior.

i love you dad...

ryan