an angel's riddance...

i am lifting this post from piper's (my bff) bloggie and as it says, it's been more than a year now since she composed this song for me and 'someone' who (i admit) did inspire me before... he is or was my 'angel'...

he was a crush and a love (at least for a period of time)... and we became real good friends (or so i trusted)...

just that sadly, we don't share the same wavelength and naturally, our sentiments and thoughts don't gel together...

we just don't have the chemistry...

and really, if i may be honest, i never imagined us going a long way... it was just not meant to be...

we were seasonal... not the fair weathered type... but the kind whose fire in the friendship dies easily... we're just fine when we see each other... doing dinner and coffee... but when we're apart, the emotional strings that connect us were hardly felt...

constant communication is not one of the gifts in our relationship...

(and for lack of a better way to put it) one of us always pulls away...

i won't deny... i am saddened that he swore he'd never text me again... he said 'he felt used'... i wonder how i ever made him feel 'i used him' for heaven's sake... in what way have i used him?

he accuses me of ignoring him now that my heart is overjoyed by lifetime...

i may be guilty... yes, perhaps i have ignored him... but is that any worst compared to him 'consistently' ignoring me? it isn't as if he constantly responds to me... at most times, i'd run after him and had to put up a charade just so i'd get his attention... how many times have i texted and received nothing from him... how many times have i called him and really, i felt that it was so much of an efort on his part to even speak to me... the absence of enthusiasm cannot be denied... demanding? i beg to disagree... that is painful... especially when you're told he feels exhausted when he hears my voice...

enough... i don't want to sound like i am bitter... yes, i'd love to keep him but if this is how he wants it, i won't cry a river over it... i can accept that i'd never hear from him again...

neither do i intend to create or entertain this as an issue... it is not...

just that when i was browsing piper's site and entries, i saw a picture of him... taken during a dinner we had with piper and her bf... and the entry's title was 'prue's and piper's boys'... well, i guess not anymore...

hence, this repost...

a music with the most apt words and the promise of the finest tune... but then again, destiny will never be able to breathe life into it... and so loses its essence... and the melody dies...

condolences to a love that never was...

* * * * * * *

written on July 15, 2008, 7:39 pm for my bff, Prue

Verse 1
Kailangan ba ng dahilan kung bakit tayo nandito
Sino bang nagpilit na dito magkatagpo
Hindi inaasahang, lalalim ang pinagsamahan
Sa piling mo, hindi ako lalayo
Di man mapagbigyan….

Ref:
Ng langit….ang tayong dalawang habang buhay magkasama
Sa akin…Lang ang pagkakaibigan sana’y wag mabubura
Kung ito’y isang pelikula
Walang ending na makikita
Kung ikaw at ako’y isang storya…sana’y may ikwento pa.

Verse 2
Puwede bang pakinggan mo ang sinasabi ng puso ko
Matagal ko nang gustong ipakita na ikaw ang totoong
Dahilan na ako’y nakatanaw
Sa bukas, paglubog ng araw
Sa piling mo, di ako lalayo
Di man mapagbigyan…..

Ng langit….ang tayong dalawang habang buhay magkasama
Sa akin…Lang ang pagkakaibigan sana’y wag mabubura
Kung ito’y isang pelikula
Walang ending na makikita
Kung ikaw at ako’y isang storya…sana’y may ikwento pa.

* * * * * * *

i accept and understand the riddance... i knew it was bound for bidding at some point in the journey...

so... farewell my angel...

name ng baby mo?

i was so like 19 yrs. old many nights ago... with a glee stretching to my ears while i incessantly rant about having our 'panganay'... lifetime wants a son... i, of course, expects a daughter... (wag naman sana akong tamaan ng kidlat at sunugin ng langit... hehehe!)

and those moments relished with me on my favorite nook... arms on his chest... head on his pit... it's my nook... and mine alone... wihihihi!

"dapat boy... wala pang lalake eh..."

"hmmm... yeah but i want sana for panganay babae kasi hindi tayo iiwan pag tumanda na tayo..."

"nasa pagpapalaki 'yan..."

"i know... of course... but still, maganda pag girl..."

"o cge, ano name?"

* * * * * * * *

and the next morning, i fired my text blast...

mr. zaldy zhornack
"well, hindi naman mangyayari ito sa akin pero yaman din lamang na gusto kitang patulan, gusto ko boy... ang magiging name niya ay travis... wala lang... ang gwapo kasi ng tunog..."

ms. magulo ang isip sa ngayon
"bago ko magbaby ulit friend... tatanggapin ko ba ulit sa buhay ko si _____ hehehe... serious po ako ha... bigyan ko ba ulit ng chance?"

mr. dreamboy
"haraya... very filipino and it sounds great... or pag payagan ng asawa, 'boombastic'... yikes!"

mrs. doris brondo castillo
"sobrang in love ka friend! anyway, if God will give us another girl, she'd be samantha marthena or serafine miranda..."

mr. mark anthony almajose
"marc anthony... i want a mini-me..."

mr. denmark alejandro
"ung mga babies namin, pinapangalan namin after sa lugar kung saan kami nagme-make love... names ng mga hotel at apartelle... kaya madami kaming babies..."

ms. iriz ramos
"girl din... her name will be cookie jean anne kamille, nickname jack..."

ms. maila cuevas
"ang sarap isipin.. gusto ko sana girl at sana mamana niya lahat sa akin wag lang ilong... gusto ko ipangalan sa kanya, Lourdes Isabel... Lourdes kasi name ng nanay ko and isabel my tita naman... her nickname Lola kasi idol ko madonna..."

mr. budoy
"i prefer to have twins... and i will name them Baday and Biday if girls... Bugudoy and Burundoy if boys."

ms. vky mendoza
"hmmm... it has always been my wish to have only one child, a girl at that... Katarina Cassandra Victoria will grow up to be as kikay as his mom, hehehe!"

mr. stanley castro
"i would name her Charlize Stella... after our initials... then we would call her Charlie, a boy's name for her nick... for our baby boy, it would be Charles Steven with Chess as his nick... ; ) cute noh?"

mrs. cora dacong
"first child ulit? boy at gusto ni edmundo... Victor Edmond!"

mrs. pm
"the name of my daughter will be Annike Soleil which means gracious sun becasue i live my life in a state of gracefulness and my hubby and i are outdoor people who love the sun... if it's a son, we will name him Pablo Alejandro because all his cousins are boys with spanish names and because if he gets rich and we add Don to his name, saksakan ng bagay... Don Pablo Alejandro... : ) walang gayahan ng pangalan!

mr. stanley castro
"in fairness... eh ano naman ang nickname niyan?"

mr. stanley castro
"hahaha... kalurkey ka!"

mr. anthony dasalla
"parang josephine emmanuel... para magkatunog pa sila nuong dating sumikat na boldstar noong 80s di ba?"

* * * * * * * *

choosing a name for your baby is a very important task... something that should be done with your better-half or significant other... and while many couples have a hard time agreeing on a name for their baby... lifetime and i had so much bonding fun time thinking of our panganay's name... na sana girl (ako ang makulit! hehehe)...

lifetime's dad and lolo has joseph in their names... and the two of us as well... kaya he wants pa din joseph part of our girl panganay's... and he likes the baduy idea of marying our names...

and that's how we agreed on JOSEPHINE KARY... just how we want it... like our names, it is simple... easy to remember and write... we were able to keep the catholic/christian name as tradition of both families (naks!)... and name our angel after someone very important in the family history...

also, i've always liked boy's names for girls... jokas will be nice since she's josephine kary or jojo from both our first names...

haaaaay... like we always say, sarap mangarap... nothing wrong with it... afterall, sabi nga, just hold on to your dreams and it just might come true one day...

i love you lifetime!

mahal kita...

i love you... my lifetime love!!!

wala na akong takot ngayon... may panangamba oo, tao lang ako eh... pero kaya ko nang sabihin at aminin at ipagsigawan, wala na akong takot... magtalo man tayo, hindi man tayo sumangayon sa isa't isa sa ilang mga bagay... may hindi pagkasunduan... at dumating man sa puntong masaktan natin ang isa't isa sa hindi sinasadyang pagkakataon... hindi kita iiwan... hindi mo ko iiwan...

wala nang sukuan... wala nang bibitiw... yan ang sumpa at panata ng i love you ko sa 'yo lifetime...

baduy... corny... oa...eksaherado...hirap paniwalaan... siguro para sa iba... pero i believe in faith...

sinuko ko na ang puso't damdamin ko sa 'yo... bakit pa ko maghoholdback... ibibigay ko na lahat... tutal ikaw naman ang lahat para sa akin... ikaw nagpaikot ng mundo ko... ikaw ang hangin ko... ikaw ang araw ko... ikaw din ang bituin ko...

yan ang tunay na kahulugan ng i love you ko para sa iyo...

araw-araw... oras-oras... minu-minuto... sa bawat hibla ng kalamnan ko... i love you lifetime love!

ulan ng pag-ibig...

when asked WHAT THE BEST THING IS ABOUT THE RAIN...

chelsea daracan, segment producer, 27 yrs. old, fighting for life
"matulog ng matulog..."

blessie calupitan, writer, 36 yrs. old, committed
"snuggling..."

arma bacar, writer, 30 yrs. old, committed
"bonding in bed with someone you love..."

lizette rayala, segment producer, 37 yrs. old, single forever
"rain... it brings a cold breeze that gently touches your whole being... makes you want to curl up and cuddle... hehehe... pwede na ba yan?"

paige halliwel, writer, 32 yrs. old, married
"i love the rain... coffee or hot chocolate tastes best when it's raining, di ba?"

jerlyn de quintos, finance officer, 31 yrs. old, married
"magloving-loving..."

stiffany adanza, headwriter, 31 yrs. old, attached
"bed weather!"

thops topico, housewife, 26 yrs. old, married
"malamig... masarap mangarap..."

piglet, tomboy, 37 yrs. old, confused
"humilata... walang ka-cuddle kaya hilata na lang... hahaha!"

maila cuevas, writer, 31 yrs. old, discerning
"masarap sa ulan, malamig... tapos may kayakap ka sa ilalim ng malamig na kumot... tapos magkikiskisan kayo ng kahit ano... pero kung walang kayakap, humigop ka na lang ng mainit na sabaw o kumain ng tuyo..."


jerome dela cruz, researcher, 26 yrs. old, katikaterang committed na di makaget-over
"i think the feeling of solitude that you get to reminisce a lot of beautiful things while watching the rain... sipping a cup of coffee and just enjoying the moment..."

juliet delos santos, executive secretary, 29 yrs. old, separated but very happy
"rain...makes us stay at home... so that we can be able to rest and relax even for a while..."

angela magallona, housewife, 34 yrs. old, discerning
"it cleans the air and washes away the dirt everybody leaves..."

denmark alejandro, segment producer, 30 yrs. old, committed
"maganda kapag umuulan, malamig ang panahon... masarap may kayakap buong maghapon, magdamag... masarap din kumain ng tinapa, sinangag, bagoong at kamatis with kape..."


cora dacong, media officer, 37 yrs. old, separated but very happy
"masarap makipagSEX!"

iriz ramos, head researcher, 23 yrs. old, abused and overused but committed
"walang pasok, masarap kumain ng champorado at tuyo... tapos pag malakas na malakas na ang ulan, lalabas ka na at maliligo..."

vky mendoza, researcher, 23 yrs. old, soulsearching and also searching
"there's nothing nice about the rain... hahaha... cynical daw... joke... magtetext ako ng serious..."

vky mendoza, researcher, 23 yrs. old, still searching
"i may have all the reasons to hate the rain and be cynical about it... but i choose not to let my recent emotional turmoil evoke continued depression... tigilan na ang pagiging malungkot! iwaksi! hahaha! sabi nga ni celine dion, LET THE RAIN FALL DOWN AND WASH AWAY MY TEARS, LET IT FILL MY SOUL AND DROWN MY FEARS!"

jeng divina, account executive, 34 yrs. old, confused and wants to be abused
"to cuddle, eat and play..."

manny segunto, segment producer, 34 yrs. old, playing and cruising
"humiga at humilata sa kama at unan na malambot na katabi mo ang mahal mo... chos!"

julia, writer, 26 yrs. old, discerning and fighting
"rain reminds me of my childhood... careless fun, champorado, cropek, vhs marathon, scrabble, word factory... at dahil natanong mo yan, bigla kong namiss, sarap balikan at ulitin..."

hannah dewara, soon to be jobless, 33 yrs. old, kinatatakutan dahil sa matulis na baba
"a very inviting weather to curl up in bed with the one you love..."

will everyone agree when i claim that the best answer is "TAYO..." this by my lifetime... waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! kiiiiiiilliiiiiig!

just my heart speaking out...

some days, i just want to forward my life... some days, i want to freeze time...

monday blues has been an endless routine at work already... hectic work after hectic work... long meetings... redundated difficulties... my already-normal broken record is now a classic play in the office...

lunes is a monstrous creative conference... leaving and filling my martes with two or three meetings with clients from outside... wednesday would be the start for my boss... and the rest of the dsys goes on and on and on and on...

thank god i have my lifetime for my euphoria... he provides me the energy... the driving force... the reason to be... the faith that I can do it all over again this week.... next week... and the coming more weeks...

yes, i want to forward time so i can be with him at night... and it's when i'd truly want to stop time... and escape space with lifetime... be in a world where only us matter...

bakit kaya mahal kita?

i called dete hours ago... and solicited for her opinion...

prue: tol, bakit ko siya mahal? sobrang mahal that sometimes i don't even know pa why i love him... all i know is that i am overflowing now...

dete: uwi ka nga muna sandali dito sa bahay tol... nang madagukan kita...
(laughs out loud)

prue: (laughs too) sobra ka tol... hindi nga... of course i know why i love him... kaya lang sobra kasi eh...

dete: hay naku, kumain ka na... gutom lang 'yan...

prue: can't... won't... waiting for him eh... kahit anong sarap ng food, tumatamlay pag hindi ko siya kasabay...

dete: tooool... asan ka? puntahan kita nang masipa kita.... (laughs louder)... ang bunso, buhay na buhay na naman...

prue: siya nawa...

there's a reason why we love each other now...

the first time i heard this song by mymp, i couldn't help but cry... sa tuwa at sa kilig... there's so much to be said... it isn't all black and white with this song... and it has to be bled...

but that will have to wait...

let me share with you the lyrics muna...

the words of my heart...

there's a reason why we love each other NOW... lifetime love.


Now is all I know
Now is all I got
And I don't know
If there will be tomorrow for us.

Now is all I care about
Now that you are here
Now that you're the contents of my heart.

Now you're all I know
Now is all I promise
And I don't know
If there will be a future for us.

Now is all I live for
Now that you are near
And it was best that from the start it was clear.

Refrain:
Loving is not owning
We can let it go
We can let it go.

Loving is not owning
You can let me go
You can let me go.

Chorus:
There's a reason
Why we love each other now
And we don't know if this is forever.

There's a reason
Why we are together now
And we don't care if it's not forever now.

Now is all I think about
Now that I am happy
And I'm not sure
If there will be a future for us.

Now is all I offer
It's everything I got
And I still wish
That there will be a tomorrow for us.

(Repeat Refrain)
(Repeat Chorus)
Ad Lib
(Repeat Refrain)
(Repeat Chorus except last word)
(Repeat Chorus)

Coda:
We love each other now...

my soulmate in the grass field...

once upon a time there was a teacher and his student... they lay down under the big tree near the big grass area... then suddenly the student asked the teacher,

Student : Teacher, I'm confused how we find our soul mate. Can you please help me?

Teacher : (silent for few second, than he answered)Well, it's pretty hard and easy question...

Student : (thinking hard) Ha???

Teacher : look on that way, there are a lot of grass there, why don't you walk there... but please never walk backward, just walk straight ahead... on your way, try to find a beautiful grass and pick it up then give it to me... but just one.

Student : Well, ok then... wait for me... (walking straight ahead to the grass field)

a few minutes later...

Student : I'm back..

Teacher : Em, well I don't see any beautiful grass on your hand.
Student : On my journey, I found few beautiful grass, but I thought that I would find a better one, so I didn't pick it up. But I didn't realize that I'm in the end of the field, and I hadn't pick any. Cause you told me not to go back, so I didn't go back.

Teacher : That's what happen in real life.

the message...

* the Grass --> is people around you
* the Beautiful Grass --> is people that attract you
* the Grass Field --> is time

please don't always compare and hope that there will be a better one... by doing that, you'll waste your lifetime... TIME NEVER GOES BACK.... So try to accept what he is... IF YOU DECIDE THAT HE IS THE ONE.

lifetime love...

when you have found that special someone who makes your heart flutter and your palms sweat, that is magic and you want to make that magic last... and every day feels like the 'first day'... the 'first glance'... the 'first merienda'... the 'first lunch'... the 'first movie'... the 'first time' TOGETHER...

and each day is cherished...

magic makes me want FOREVER... but it is in FAITH that i beleive and trust FOREVER...

what of the days leading to forever? it's the past... the now... and what will be tomorrow...

both forgetting and remembering the years gone by... placing effort and work where it should be today... and our dreams are watered by every ounce and drop of sacrifice and committment we willingly give despite the odds... that builds the future...

that is love of a lifetime... a lifetime love...


love of a lifetime
by Firehouse

I guess the time was right for us to say
We'd take our time and live our lives
Together day by day
We'll make a wish and send it on a prayer
We know our dreams can all come true
With love that we can share

With you I never wonder--will you be there for me
With you I never wonder--you're the right one for me
I finally found the love of a lifetime
A love to last my whole life through
I finally found the love of a lifetime
Forever in my heart
I finally found the love of a lifetime

With every kiss, our love is like brand-new
And every star up in the sky
Was made for me and you
Still we both know that the road is long
We know that we will be together
Because our love is strong

I finally found the love of a lifetime
A love to last my whole life through
I finally found the love of a lifetime
Forever in my heart
I finally found the love of a lifetime

I LOVE YOU MY LIFETIME LOVE!!!

a perfect love?

after her period of bereavement, lorna tolentino says...

"WALANG PRFECT NA TAO.. PERO MERONG PERFECT NA PAGMAMAHAL..."

and prue very much agrees...

i am reminded too of one comment made by a colleague...

"ANONG MALI SA PAGMAMAHAL?"

"KUNG MAY NASASAKTAN, YUNG PANANAKIT ANG MALI... PERO HINDI KASALANAN ANG PAG-IBIG..."

then ther goes piper's baffling yet timely and poignant question...

"KUNG IKAW ANG DIYOS, ANONG IBIBIGAY MO KAY PRUE NGAYON?"

my answer, of course, is something or better yet, someone God already knows...

"SIYA..."

***

falling in love is easy given that it is a natural process for almost all of us and it truly seems the only possible and reasonable thing to do at a time you are single... but of course, some times, even when you're already committed, the heart doesn't stop... but that is a whole different story...

from the first minute we shared company, i had a familiar feeling, a fitting recognition of a former emotion ... a knowledge that a certain missing part of myself had been found and again, i'm suddenly whole...

when we met, we both had a history... but ours served to make even clearer that what we are sharing can turn out to be somethiing even more special...

it did take us both a while to trust these feelings... for my part, I had spent my life believing that couples who endows total trust, dedicated friendship, acceptance and communication is likely to succeed... i had never seen a successful relationship without it... it's constant in the recipe... and he feels the same way...

he is two years younger than i am but less wounded by a love-gone-wrong... comparatively more ideal than i am... has a sensitive heart to observe my whims... and, oh... i feel i will have so much fun with LIFE... AGAIN....

and so i look forward to happy days with HIM... AGAIN...

together as what? our hearts will tell in time...

for now, we'll make memories AGAIN...

P.S.

i think i already got my first Christmas present... it may even be the best!

what do i want? A REPOST!

gusto kong marinig ang bulong ng dagat... gusto kong payakap sa ihip ng hangin... gusto kong magpakalunod sa katahimikan ng isla... gusto kong dampian ng alon ang aking mga paa... gusto kong humimlay sa buhangin...

maaring mag-isa... pero mas gusto kong may naka-akay sa akin kundi man nakahawak din sa aking mga kamay... inaalayan... walang salita... tanging ngiti at gawa... ipina-a-alam sa akin na kahit anong mangyari... hindi ako tatandang malungkot... dahil hindi niya ako iiwan... umulan man o umaraw... bagyuhin man kami... dapuan man ako ng karamdaman... pumuti man ang lahat ng buhok ko... kumulubot man ang taba ko... lumaylay man ang balat ko... sa hirap at ginhawa... sabay kaming gigising para salubungin ang pagsikat ni haring araw... nagyayabang sa mundo... hindi niyo kami kayang paghiwalayin... hanggang kamatayan... hanggang sa kabilang buhay... pag-iisahin kami ng aming pag-ibig...

siya nawa...

at ako ngayo'y umiiyak...

***

this was how i felt on that heartrending thursday of june 12...

it still is what i want... the only difference is...

NOW... i shed no tears...

I JUST FIND MYSELF DAYDREAMING... AND DROWNING WITH HAPPY... SWEET... MEMORIES...
OF MEMORIES COMING BACK TO LIFE...

at siya nawa ulit!

flowers in december?

"THE ONE GUY WHO GIVES ME THE WORST PAIN IS THE ONE SAME GUY I FEEL MOST COMFORTABLE WITH AND IRONICALLY SAFEST.."
by prue

before I let you down again,
I just want to see you in your eyes.
I wouldn't have taken everything out on you,
I only thought you could understand.
they say every man goes blind in his heart,
and they say everybody steals somebody's heart away.
and I got nothing more to say about it
nothing more than you would me.
send me your flowers of your december,
send me your dreams of your candied wine.
I've got just one thing I can't give you...
just one more thing of mine
they say every man goes blind in his heart
and they say everybody steals somebody's heart away
and I've been wondering why you let me down
and I've been taking it all for granted

P.S.

may friendship not jade self-preservation... when the past relives in the present, all it should deserve is friendship... for my own heart's sake...

swept by pagudpud...

ok... ok... where's the pagudpud frenzy on this blog? yeah... i have not shared anything yet... and that's because i was... BACK TO PAGUDPUD!

yup... read that pretty right... i went back to pagudpud... in a flash... in a snap... spur of the moment thing... 3 days after my return to manila, i was agitated... feeling uneasy... something was both pulling and pushing me to pack my stuff and take the 10 hour ride again to my new 'nearest farthest' paradise...

the plan was to wash off my pagudpud hay moments but after two days of city life, i was (in a good way...) unbalanced, restless and frantic...

i felt i left half of myself in pagudpud... my heart, my soul, my mind... all were torn apart... hence, my disconcerted self... and the nice thing about it is... all were in a good way... lol!

oh gahd... whatever happened... i was beautifully tormented to take back whatever part of me i left there... by the sparkling sands... under pagdupud sun and moon... where habagat and amihan meet... someone wasn't aware he was already owning me... never meant... but it happened...

it was unexpected... yet, i surrendered... yotninam... ukininam... as the ilokanos would express it... hahaha!

five days after, prue's back to her usual urban time... i did reclaim my full mind and body... but not sure if my heart is marrying with my sensible senses... that is something i will have to see through the coming days...

my sanity has managed to escape my attention... and so does the wity turning to foolish... i may be struck with the one thing i tried to avoid... incidental? accidental? nah... perhaps magical...

P.S.

pagudpud... where i felt love... fell in love... wanting to make love (as if... prue's pure trip remains... the last line is somewhat just an expression to emphasize the feeling... hahaha! tama na kasi ang pagka-defensive prue eh... hahaha!)

haaaaaay... yup, i know... it's baduy... hahaha! we all turn baduy when the big L strikes...

and to make it even more baduy, let me say this... this moment, i feel i still left my heart in pagudpud... bahala na...

MORE PAHABOL: reposting piper's recent entry about me...


Tuesday, August 19, 2008
where's the prue gone?


few hints why prue is not blogging lately.....

"Hay naku bff, pumunta ka dito sa pagudpod! I promise you. You'll fall in love and you'll feel loved that you would want to make love over and over again!

on a separate conversation....

"Gusto ko lang sabihin na ngayon lang ako nakakita ng ganito kadaming buko na nagliliparan! May bagyo ata!"

Piper: May bagyo nga, tangeks! Karen ang pangalan! Sinuspend na nga classes dito noh!

"Ganun? Anong signal? signal number pag-ibig???"

Waaaahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

keeping up the promise...

My Dream: are you having taping later?

Prue: nope... actually hoping you'd ask me out...

My Dream: yikes! i can't. busy night eh.

Prue: *sad face*

My Dream: hehehe! kidding! Dinner?

Prue: and i'm free in an hour... yaaaaahooooo! are you done?

My Dream: Meeting is almost done.

Prue: may we watch Dark Knight later? after dinner?

My Dream: dami pang tao. pila. hehehe!

Prue: Hmpf! ok...

My Dream: coffee though

Prue: til morning...

***

as usual, we pigged out...

he was craving for crabs and i indulged... shelled seafoods happen to be my favorite...



uhmmm... waiter, we'll have 1 singaporean crab... 1 steamed crab... boneless pork belly in pineapple sauce... crab salad... and.... chicharon bulaklak...




hahaha! it's cholesterol night...
seemed madami but lo and behold... ubos!!! hehehe!


i asked julia to come with us by the way... i can't be alone with my dream like the last time... somebody has to be consistenly breaking the ice or i'll go crying again... dyahe na... i told my dream though i invited julia and he was just fine with it...

after dinner, we had coffee in starbucks morato till 4:30am... saaaaaaraaaap... just stared at him.... and i think, memorize ko na ang mukha niya...

and when then the subject on 'significant other" came up, i kidded him... he's contented with me... hehehe! and he just smiled... hahaha! as usual... the gentleman my dream is...

P.S.

i wonder, do we intend to make Friday night... our night? hehehe! sana...

crash into me...

it pains to be alone because i am constantly thinking of my dream...

and how i wish the rain would stop... huh! i always find the rain a moment of bliss but lately, it only drowns me as my sorrow swallows me whole...

it will be difficult for me to commit myself to anyone else... i have come full circle... finally admitting that if it won't be my dream... then i'd settle focusing on the relationship i am building with myself...

but until another him rescues me from him, i will still be waiting...


***

You've got your ball...
you've got your chain...
tied to me tight,
tie me up again...
who's got their claws...
in you my friend.

Into your heart I'll beat again...
Sweet like candy to my soul...
Sweet you rock...
and sweet you roll.

Lost for you...
I'm so lost for you

You come crash into me...
And I come into you...
I come into you...
In a boys dream...
In a boys dream...

Touch your lips just so I know...
In your eyes, love, it glows so...
I'm bare boned and crazy for you...
When you come crash...
into me, baby.

And I come into you...
In a boys dream...
In a boys dream...

If I've gone overboard...
Then I'm begging you...
to forgive me...
in my haste.
When I'm holding you...
so close to me...

Oh and you come crash...
into me, baby.
And I come into you...
Hike up your skirt a little more...
and show the world to me.
Hike up your skirt a little more...
and show your world to me...
In a boys dream.. In a boys dream.

Oh I watch you there
through the window
And I stare at you
You wear nothing but you
wear it so well
tied up and twisted
the way I'd like to be
For you, for me, come crash
into me

thanks piper, my bff...

lifting this post from piper's blog (whose link is in the charmed coven)... i hope my bff won't mind me reposting it...

***

Tuesday, July 15, 2008
For Prue...
I wrote this song after reading the last entry on pruesoul.


UNTITLED still...
written on July 15, 2008, 7:39 pm for my bff, Prue

Verse 1
Kailangan ba ng dahilan kung bakit tayo nandito
Sino bang nagpilit na dito magkatagpo
Hindi inaasahang, lalalim ang pinagsamahan
Sa piling mo, hindi ako lalayo
Di man mapagbigyan….

Ref:
Ng langit….ang tayong dalawang habang buhay magkasama
Sa akin…Lang ang pagkakaibigan sana’y wag mabubura
Kung ito’y isang pelikula
Walang ending na makikita
Kung ikaw at ako’y isang storya…sana’y may ikwento pa.

Verse 2
Puwede bang pakinggan mo ang sinasabi ng puso ko
Matagal ko nang gustong ipakita na ikaw ang totoong
Dahilan na ako’y nakatanaw
Sa bukas, paglubog ng araw
Sa piling mo, di ako lalayo
Di man mapagbigyan…..

Ng langit….ang tayong dalawang habang buhay magkasama
Sa akin…Lang ang pagkakaibigan sana’y wag mabubura
Kung ito’y isang pelikula
Walang ending na makikita
Kung ikaw at ako’y isang storya…sana’y may ikwento pa.


-- i can sing this to you prue, if you give me red wine! hahahaha. love you!

***

piper, thanks for the pail of tears... woooohoooo... you know me through and through... of all, it is you who can read my frame of mind... the beats of my heart... every sentiment, every woe, every regret... every frustration, every dream... even MY DREAM...

OA ako and i know you know that too... i'm a hopeless romantic... i cry even in the simplest of joys... piiiiiiippeeeeeer, b-eeeeeeff-eeeeeeff... prue is saaaaaaaaad.... reeaaaally...

help me pray pleeeeaaasssse... he just can't forget me... he did promise me though... he did... and i am so glad of his reaction... indeed, he never pulls away... and lets me be myself...

mimosa, his friend, told me last sunday, not to cry anymore... that she is sure, i am special to MY DREAM... and that she swears MY DREAM won't forget about me...

piiiiiiiiiipppeeeeer, i want to embrace you now... and dete too... and everybody else who is a friend...

i know this really darkens the nature of my blog... but what can i do? writing helps me release... i am sorry... ei, blogmates, readers, friends, everybody... i am sorry... we all have our own baggages... you are most free to leave anytime in the same way that you are most welcome to visit anytime...

red wine? hehehe! sure piper... i love you bff... you know that na... but you think he knows i love him? like really love him? siguro naman noh... siguro naman...

ang galing noh... there really are people who can be such a ray of sunshine... just the sight... just seeing them smile... all our worries just flee... our burdens lighten... and it's so difficult when they move somewhere else...

funny... jay and i was looking for a pirated copy of the LOVE AFFAIR (which happens to be my greatest love story) so we can rip it for my boss' iPod... and now, i recall that line when Warren asked Anette, "are you happy?"... "i guess i am happy when i don't want to be anywhere else but where i already am?"... "do you want to be somewhere else now?"... "no..."

yes... i want to be somewhere else now... actually, anywhere... as long as he is there...

never thought that it will have this impact on me... that it will hit me this hard... we're not really saying goodbyes... it's merely geograophics... yet, i feel like it's so much more...

have you ever had that feeling of reassurance that even without committment... even in the absence of a formal relationship... for as long as that person is always in sight... reachable... accessible... anytime... just take that few steps towards his office... andun na... makikita mo na siyang nakangiti... it's enough... enough to believe you can still be happy...

it's just really going to be different... it will be for me... sanay ako na kapag hinanap ko siya... pwede akong mag-inarte sa office niya and that he'd just smile...

that when he visits my office... i can demand for that embrace...

that anytime i have something for him... i'll just text him and voila, he's there na...

i can't ask him anymore "balik ka pa ofc?"... hindi na... kasi wala na...

tama na nga... bahala na si God... sabi nga niya sa akin, IN FAITH... sakit na mata saka lalamunan ni prue...

God ha... wag mo pabayaan ako... kami... alam mo naman na kung gaano ako ka-OA... so please... ipaalala mo ako sa kanya palagi... mabait naman ako kahit papaano... i never demanded... from him or from you about US... yun na lang hiling ko... wag niya ako kakalimutan... kasi totoo yun... alam ko na ngayon, MY DREAM is MY ANGEL...

***

until i have piper's melody, let RAINBOW CONNECTION be our song... thanks to the K Collection... it was timely.... a sad timing though...


Why are there so many songs about rainbows...
and what's on the other side?

Rainbows are visions...
but only illusions...
and rainbows have nothing to hide.

So we've been told...
and some choose to believe it.

I know they're wrong...
wait and see.

Someday we'll find it...
the rainbow connection.

The lovers, the dreamers and me.

What's so amazing...
that keeps us star gazing...
and what do we think we might see?

Someday we'll find it...
the rainbow connection.

The lovers, the dreamers and me.

All of us under its spell.

We know that it's probably...
magic.

Have you been half asleep...
and have you heard voices?

I've heard them calling my name.

Is it the sweet sound...
that calls the young sailor.

The voice might be one and the same.

I've heard it too many times...
to ignore it.

It's something that I'm supposed to be.

Someday well find it...
the rainbow connection.

The lovers, the dreamers and me.

for you...

071508
tuesday
1:30am


and she sang... "we could be in love..."...

asking the audience after, "paano mo sasabihin sa isang tao na gusto mo siya?"...

none from the audience responded... i doubt if anybody was receptive...

except for me... silently... i whispered... YOU DON'T! I DON'T!

i'm simply thankful for the friendship i am offered... for the times when i am heard... for the few times we've shared dinner... for the 'late' mornings over coffee... and for that image of a smiling face which you never deprived me...

even that pat on the back for every tight embrace is already an overwhelming joy...

it still isn't Thursday but like you say, IN FAITH... which is why, also IN FAITH, i trust HE won't let you forget me... hehehe! serious yun ha...

wala na... i've no reason to look forward to Fridays na... no more skinhead and poknat na... hehehe! i'll surely miss the guy who loves black shirts...

it's a bitter sweet feeling... but really, i am happy 'coz i know you are... despite the dilemma on leaving your workmates, i know for a fact, Thursday is what you want.

just let me be melo-dramatic this one time... A BIG THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING! for letting me be myself and not pulling away...

i never had the chance to thank you... perhaps even with this built, i can be a little shy... hahaha! you just don't know how much you light up my day... even without intending to... without effort...

i guess... no... i am sure... YOU ARE MY ANGEL! you have been all along... i just realized now... IKAW PALA ANG ANGEL KO! GOD SENT!

and so i am praying HE doesn't make you forget me... that you just stay as a FRIEND...

in the same way that HE brought YOU to me, may HE let me KEEP YOU!

PLEASE PROMISE that you won't be a comet...


prue

P.S.

CONGRATS! Be safe always...

***

when i did the letter, i couldn't help but cry... i never had that feeling nor realization, i had difficulty surrendering myself to anyone... and regard that person as an ANGEL...

now i know why... after mr. WWE, nobody really came close to being an angel... except for him... i've had my share of relationships... of love... but the one relationship i can never have is from the man whose presence is always felt in my heart... no matter how distant he is...

he is my TRUE ANGEL... i just failed to see it...

what do you want to do NOW?

what do you feel like doing now? yeah... this very minute... a spur of the moment thing that you will really enjoy...

oh well... here are the 'top thoughts' of my friends and officemates...



so ikaw, anong gusto mong gawin sa mga oras na ito?

ako? at 10:43am of Monday? when all i can see from the rain are tears...

be on the road... with him... bathe in the rain... with him... make memories... with him... waste time... with him... do senseless conversations... with him... laugh... with him... anything... just anything... as long as it is with him... with MY DREAM... before one of us wakes up and realizes all is naught...

good morning...

cosmic ex: musta?

me thinking: (uy naka-alala... ngarag ako... mamaya na!)

***

2 minutes after...

my dream: mabuti naman ako :) hehe u?

me thinking: (huh! kagabi pa yung text ah... okay na din,at least, sumaagot... haaaaay... yung iba nga diyan,di niya pinapansin... bwahahaha!)

prue: just fyn...emotional strains w _______ though... haaaay... sana no strings attached na lang... anyway,so what's the latest w u? r u sure to leave na?

me thinking: (how about keeping me even when you leave?)

my dream: wel, ______ is lovable inspite and despite everything. yup,sure na.just waiting for developments.

me thinking: (sana u don't forget about me... you just don't know how much you light up my day... my life...sad that i don't have the same impact... haaaay! pwede bang kalimutan muna natin morality...?)

prue: wel, ______ is lovable inspite and despite everything. @@ AS USUAL... SABI KO NA NGA BA YAN SASABIHIN MO! @@ yup,sure na.just waiting for developments. @@ DON'T LEAVE WITHOUT SEEING ME... OR ELSE,I'LL RLY KILL YOU... Hehehe! @@

me thinking: (i know naman you will see me pa rin... in fairness to you,i appreciate your simple gestures and the fact that you let me love you... bukong-buko mo na ako.)

my dream: hehe! i will.

me thinking: (gaaaaaaaaaahd... ibang klase ka!!! graaabeee... without doing anything, you can make me cry... sana talaga naging babae ako...para allowed akong umarte... hahaha!)

prue: have a nyc day now. :) :) :)

me thinking in tears: (i love you... always...)

my dream: :)

***

prue: _____, kanino recording label ang... ...let me know within the day. tnx.

neggie: okie po...

***

and i am still here... tip-tap-tip-tap... david cook sings... darn... it never reached that stage... but still,yeah... you will always be my baby... futah... naiiyak ako!!!

ano na nga ba kahulugan ng malungkot? ah...oo nga pala... ako yun! bwahaha! leche flan!

***

We were as one babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine
Now you want to be free
So I'm letting you fly
Cause I know in my heart babe
Our love will never die, no!

You'll always be a part of me
I'm a part of you indefinitely
Boy don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

You'll always be a part of me (oooohhhh)
I'm part of you indefinitely (oooohhhh)
Boy don't you know you can't escape me (ooooohhhhhh)
Ooh darlin cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on (and we will linger on)
Time cant erase a feeling this strong (ohhhh)
No way you're never gonna shake me (oh baby)
Ooh darlin cause you'll always be my baby

You and I will always be
No way your never gonna shake me
No way your never gonna shake me
You and I will always be

we wish it were two but no...

it has been a classic discussion between friends... a subject within the isyu 101 group... private conversations with my bff... a debate between old timers and new ones when it comes to relationships and it's apparent twin... where there is love, there must be pain...

but as far as i remember, nobody made a claim... nobody said it's just fine... no one had the guts to say, it's allowed in social norms... worst, in His eyes.. the only stand everybody is willing to own up to is that... IT HAPPENS... IT DOES... like it or not, it happens to everybody... and yes, i'd be the first to hit any self-righteous biotch who says, in all of her life, she has only loved one... and only one...

if you can drive safely while kissing someone, you are not giving the kiss the attention it deserves... albeit, the object of desire... the same can be said of love...

of course, there are different forms of love but to be clear, i am obviously referring to the romantic variety...

is it possible to love two people at the same time?

i always say. BUT OF COURSE... why can't we... why can't the heart... being emotional, i strongly say yes... wait... in fact, i am also being cerebral when i affirm the possibility of loving two people at the same time...

question is... will it work? when you love two people at the same time, will both succeed? who ends up hurt? and i am not just referring to the two objects of affection... all three in the circus...

there are, obviously, some practical issues to be entertained... jealousy, which would make the likelihood of succeeding and maintaining such relationships, improbable...

aside from the impracticality, is it possible to feel the emotion of love for two different people concurrently fair? well, again... there goes my theory of 100%.... but that is a whole new argument...

perhaps we should look at the origin of these feelings... if someone truly loves another... surely there is no need or benefit or even any will to look for solace beyond the relationship... the presence of another is already where we find solace and refuge... but that is in the case of a doomed relationship with the first...

how is it then when the first and former love was calm, peaceful and most of all, admittedly, non-problematic... is it still about refuge? is it still about solace? or is it already about succumbing to temptation... allowing ourselves to stray... at whose expense? the willing second... the other party?

this special bond with another person with whom we are able and willing to share everything (as we falsely claim...) may sometimes be an extra boost of confidence... of self-esteem... you see, love can at times consume our soul and force us to believe it is about giving when in fact, we subconsciously stay because of what we receive... of the security blanket it provides...

developing feelings for another suggests an absence of a crucial component in the relationship... fidelity... trust... exclusivity...

most will hate me for this but really, there is an impression that where such a condition exists, the faltering element is sex-related... issues of this kind would not necessarily mean that love is not apparent between the couple but could possibly equate to seeking more fulfillment beyond contentment... why settle for one when we can have two huh?

when we give in to the feeling of having another love, no matter how much we deny there's nothing in between or atleast nothing formal... still, there's an invisible mutual thing between the two.... but come to think of it, the fact that there's no committment already precludes the essence of love...

is the absence of knowledge from the other partner an acceptable alternative? shouldn't love be exposed... expressed... be proud of... not that it has to be shouted and declared to the universe... but keeping it in the hide is a way to protect not the love but ourselves... from what? perhaps from embarassment... from the complications... why?

the why is a good question that needs a good answer... why... hmmm... i maybe wrong... of course i can be... but let me say this, we fear the complications because even before it arises, we are already acknowledging the fact that there is a big tendency we won't be able to fight for it... that we may only be driven to part... to separate from the other love...

we hide... we lie... we deny... because we can't fight for it... or... because all the while we know, one will really have to go... and giving up it's comfort is something we don't want...

who admits to both... who doesn't lie to both... who doesn't hide from any of the two... only the one who from the very start is clear that it was all about making the other count while it lasts... it might have been love... yes... it is... but let's drop the delusions of 'can't live without'...

when we say 'we fight for love'... we make a stand... we choose... one over the other... no matter how high the stakes, you defend and protect... not ourselves but the love...

until then... the state of being in love with two people at the same time... is only a phase of confusion... if not, a stage of pure infidelity... don't anybody get me wrong... love is still what we have but we don't give it the kind of respect it deserves... love should never be in the hide... i am firm on that... but of course, that's just me...

having an affair or even harboring secret emotional ties to another, is not at all that bad... it is part of humanity... but it is harmful... to all parties... to the one who gives... and to both who receives... and then gives in return...

WE CAN LOVE TWO PEOPLE AT THE SAME TIME... BUT WE CAN ONLY LIVE ONE RELATIONSHIP... ONE HAS TO STAY... ONE HAS TO BE LOVED FROM AFAR... LIVING BOTH RELATIONSHIPS IS DECEIVING BOTH LOVES... AND DECEIT IS NEVER LOVE...

***

so many will say that love cannot exist without trust and intimacy... oh yeah? from whose book? whose theory?

oh well, i believe it can't without trust... but intimacy? if love is about total surrender and sacrifice, then it can...