i don't want to get to the end of my life and find that i have just lived the length of it... i want to also have lived the width of it as well... smiling when the sun rises... dreaming until the sun hides... but for now, i'm letting go... and this goodbye isn't just a new start... it confirms my submission to waiting... while searching...
Your Dominant Intelligence is Intrapersonal Intelligence |
 Reflective and thoughtful, you enjoy spending time alone. You are good at analyzing yourself - and knowing your true feelings. Totally self aware, you are in tune with your dreams and desires. A spiritual and philosophical person, your inner calmness inspires and helps others. You would make a great philosopher, researcher, or theorist. |
i've told myself many times over that the chapter of my life with him has reached it's terminal point... i've let go of the man... that i am sure of... but the sight of him still relives that feeling of romance and affection... memories bouncing back...
i wonder why he has cut his shoulder length hair to a clean do... he loves sporting that look... and yet, even with his new form, i can't help but notice how he looks pale... is it the sad eyes... or perhaps it is just my interpretation and wishful thinking that his life was far better with me... or maybe i'm keeping alive the news that he realizes eternal bliss is not always found in marriage... oh yeah, i remember him telling me he's not the marrying type... whatever happened to that anyway? well, some fool souls get lost in the attempt to secure themselves...
or maybe it isn't really over with me? otherwise, i shouldn't be giving him any space in my world... nah... i am well over the sacrifices and the sufferings... my will has stopped... it's just that leaving the past is never absolute... there always is a fragment of yesterday in our present...
while waiting for our lunch to be served, i indulged to what my heart dictates... do i miss him? yes, i do... but it's not reason enough to feel astray and confused...
i asked myself if I could have done something more... if there's something that i could have said... i was so confused but i gave him time to figure out what he wanted... because surely, i knew then what i wanted... but it was evident, we were not on the same boat...
two years back, part of me wished i had shoke sense into him... told myself to have faith in us, whatever... anything... it's not like as if i didn't do a last attempt to save our bond... but perhaps, i was too late... i was weak and too hurt to see beyond the pain...
i know there is no point in this... it's just self-validation... or whatever... I want to be reassured that i did all i could do so that i can fully move on... what with all that's been said and done, i gave it a fair chance... it was just so hopeless towards the end of our relationship... it was so hard to argue for love and us with that much hopelessness being thrown at me...
i'm just sad that he didn't even try...
but just as the same, now... there's so much gladness in my heart that he didn't even try...
i'm doing better lately... I know that... and i'm letting go... no longer hanging on to hope... you will perhaps forever live in my heart... but as a reminder of the man i used to be... the man i'd never want to be again... that will be your purpose in my life... to incessantly remind me that i can be better... and that i deserve someone better...
let this be the words of a grown and reformed man in the arms of an angel...
I was tagged (tugged... or togged... as everybody else before me have been kidding about...) to share... and reveal 30 things about myself... ika nga, 30 random fersonal facts...
the pressure of thinking 30 items that remains unknown to many friends... hmmmmm... i've been so open and transparent... okei... whatever comes first into mind... here goes…
1. obviously, I AM A HOPELESS ROMANTIC... and as defined in the urban dictionary, this person is in love with love... he believes in fairy tales and love... he's not to be confused as a stalker or the creepy type because that's not what a hopeless romantic is... all hopeless romantics are idealists, the sentimental dreamers,the imaginative and the fanciful when you get to know them... they often live with rose colored glasses on... he makes love look like an art form with all the romantic things they do for their special someone... oh yes, that's me...
2. i've made an official statement/declaration of my OFFICIAL SIGNIFICANT OTHER LIST... and piper would know though she contests it... hahaha! I'VE HAD 4 BEAUTIFUL RELATIONSHIPS... and by beautiful i mean it really did leave with me with beautiful memories... two of it may have ended tragically but still, i have to be fair with them and i owe it to our love to admit we've had wonderful memories together (hmmmm... will they say the same thing? hahaha!)...
3. AND MY 5TH OFFICIAL RELATIONSHIP is still young... we are nearing our first year anniversary (so to speak... i am not fond of juvenile celebrations) but really we've been (physically) together for a little more than a month only... (hmmmm... makes me wanna kwento our love story... hahaha... on another entry na lang...) he is now in Zurich, Switzerland for work... may his wings bring him back to me... amen!
4. my FIRST was a 7 year relationship with my bestfriend... it's my IDEAL LOVE... my SECOND was a 2... it's a mistake that turned out to be promising... serendipity? almost but not quite... my THIRD was another 2... fell in love with a ghost who shook my heart and left me shattered... but he managed to inflict pain because i really loved him... HE'S THE ONE THAT COULD HAVE BEEN... and my LAST was again a 2... at first, I was really mesmerized with how my dreams were coming into life... but even the most beautiful aren't meant to last a lifetime i guess... when it ended, it felt like i got hit by a train... it was the most traumatic… well, only because HE IS MY GREATEST LOVE... my PRESENT significant other is my ANGEL... where it leads us, i still don't know... and with the new me in this relationship, i am hopeful...
5. I DON’T DRINK ICED TEA… oh well perhaps, I do… but the only iced tea I can take is the BLACK ICED TEA of starbucks… what I really like is HOT TEA… and GREEN TEA is the best...
6. other than Shannen Doherty, I am also a BIG FAN of Julia Roberts, Michelle Pfeiffer, Annette Bening and Julia Stiles… they are four of the foreign actresses who make me cry with them when they do… for some reason, they can really stir my emotions with their acting…
7. I am a HUGE FAN WITH A HUGE CRUSH on Piolo Pascual… I admire other local male stars but just the sight of Papa P really makes me cry… totoo pala yung mga fan na naiiyak pag nakikita yung paborito nila… hahaha! My other fave foreign male stars are Richard Gere, Colin Farrell…. And Shaun Cassidy and Leif Garrett… it’s impossible for any one my age not to remember the Hardy Boys… hehehe!
8. Hold on now… hold on… last time I checked, I am already a 282 LB. BIG GUY… obese, I know… and stop laughing… don’t look so shocked… gaaahhdd… I’ll soon have that diet I’ve been long delaying… don’t feel bad for me… ok? It’s enough that I feel bad myself… hehehe!
9. just last night… in the office… a swivel chair GAVE IN TO MY WEIGHT… oh gahd, it’s not like it’s the first time… okay… can you imagine a scene in a comedy flick where a fat bozo just drops on the floor because his chair broke? Shit! That just happened kagabi… one minute, nagkwekwentuhan kami… the next minute, I heard a loud crackling sound… it happened all too fast… I didn’t even have time to process in my head that it was my chair’s legs breaking into pieces… next thing I know… I was lying on the floor… as in nakahiga ako sa sahig… kahit ako, natawa… but I was so bwisit with myself…
10. ever since my Game Ka Na Ba days (the very first GKNB), I normally use two celphones na… that’s Kris’ influence… and lately, I’ve been using three… my smart line for my N70, my prepaid smart for my Palm Treo and my prepaid globe for my N93i… there was a time i had four units active because I was also using a prepaid Sun for it’s very helpful call and text unlimited… come December, I’ll have that iPhone na… woooohoooo!!!
11. my boss thinks I DON’T HAVE A CELPHONE NOW… either she let’s me get away with it or she’s surprisingly naïve on this one… I am just saving myself from the many complications and hassles she can really put into my life… she actually hates that I don’t have a number she can call… truth is, I purportly deactivated my smart line and my prepaid smart (numbers she knows) and left only my prepaid globe active… it’s the number my friends know…
12. I love COMMUNING WITH NATURE… not just the beach… even the bukid, the hills… the forest… falls… any place where I can enjoy my solitary confinement and just listen to mother nature whisper in my ears… it’s how my soul is fed…
13. MICHAEL was with me since I was a baby (as I was told by my sisters…) up until I was in 3rd year high school… we only got separated when I left home and lived with my dete… it was very very difficult for me to sleep when I’m not hugging Michael… in fact, when I was living with my sister already, I cried for many weeks every time I laid to bed… I just miss Michael…. By the way, he’s MY PILLOW… hmmm… I seriously don’t remember how or where I got the name Michael… I just remember calling him that name…
14. i am an exhibitionist… hahaha! Hindi naman! Joke lang… but I really DON’T CLOSE THE BATHROOM DOORS when I’m in the shower or even when I’m having my poopoo session… hehehe! It’s because I’m CLAUSTROPHOBIC… but I can still manage when I’m in enclosed or tight areas…
15. teka… exhibitionist nga ata ako… hahaha! Because I walk naked in the condo even with my friends around… hahaha! With all my putotoy dangling like a free bird… hahaha!
16. I fantasize that one day, I WILL BE A BEYONCE!!!
17. I DON’T WEAR BRIEFS BY THE WAY… I am so uncomfortable with underwears… be it slacks, maong pants or even shorts… kahit cycling shorts… NO TO BRIEFS!!! Hahaha!
18. I am a CHRISTIAN… but I practice WICCA too… let’s not get into that… it will be pretty long to explain my faith and my new age practice…
19. my friends ran to me every time they need a WICKED IDEA FOR REVENGE… hahaha! Ei paige, yours still tops the list… remember when we had your two-timing guy drink a glass full of my very own chocolate concoction… hahaha! Ok now… let’s not get into details… let me sanitize my reputation a little for the sake of my other cyber friends… hehehe!
20. just like piper, I am an avid reader of X-MEN… but my passion goes to NEIL GAIMAN AND HIS WORKS… I used to collect Vertigo Adult Literature.
21. once, I went to Baguio via airconditioned bus and when I got there, I just transferred to another bus bound to Manila… it was my MOST MEMORABLE & MOST ROMANTIC RIDE… it STILL IS in the top-ten list of my life’s romantic moments… I was travelling with my IDEAL LOVE then… it was his ‘spur of the moment’ thing…
22. I LOATHE EGOCENTRIC PEOPLE!!! I just hate those who have no regard for other people’s feelings…
23. I ALMOST DIED FROM DROWNING… nagpapansin kasi ako sa crush ko… he was repeatedly reminding me kasi not to get in the water because it’s Black Saturday (you know… old beliefs… patay daw ang Diyos…)… and since I liked the feeling that I was making him worry, I pretended to be adamant about it... I took the canoe and paddled to sea… aaaaaaayuuuun, lumakas ang alon at itinumba ang canoe… it took me almost an hour to swim back to land… kagagahan di ba? hahaha!
24. I LOVE THE RAIN… I just love it… just like what Brandon Lee’s line in the first The Crow movie, IT CAN’T RAIN ALL THE TIME…
25. I am PRUE to Piper and the rest of the Halliwels… I am POOHBEAR to Piglet… I am GARFIELD to my college friends… RYAN to my sisters… at times, I am a BUTCHOK to them when naglalambingan… JOSEPH to the corporate world… OTEP in the broadcast industry…
26. I am so SCARED OF FREDDY KRUEGER… he really gives me the nightmares…
27. GOD is my stronghold… and I believe that HE LOVES ME VERY MUCH!!!
28. I AM VERY GOOD IN THE KITCHEN… just to make it clear because I’m sure you’ll smile on this one… hehehe… I meant COOKING and not eating.
29. I AM A LOUSY DRINKER… I can only down 3 bottles of san mig light and after it, I become so dense and dead… and believe me, you’ll appreciate me more in that state because if I’m still up by the third bottle, oh fuck… I do the craziest things…
30. MY GREATEST DREAM IN LIFE? Simple lang… greatest but truly simple… ETERNAL BLISS (toingk… akala ko ba simple?)… A MAN TO GROW OLD WITH AND A CHILD OR TWO TO NURTURE… by the way, adopting is not an option… hmmm… okay… okay… it can be actually… but really… what I want is that our children be born from my significant other’s seed… that way, I am sure that he will love the children unconditionally and without doubts… get the drift?
Ha? Gaaaaahd… ang haba haba ng entry ko… hehehe! My apologies… I got so engrossed in sharing… okay now Phoebe, you’re IT… roll your 30s.
Halliwels, may I be allowed to break the rules? I’m also tagging kingdaddyrich, chase, bombero, buraot and jamunoops… wala lang… hehehe!
chase tagged me to share my screenshot... and so here it goes...
my wallpaper is actually the picture given to me by manny, one of my best buddies... it was a figurine in a Hongkong garden they featured in Urban Zone... he couldn't bring it home of course so he just took the shot... and surprisingly when we were uploading the pictures in my iphoto, he noticed i had a shot of myself with almost the same pose... hahaha! it's the picture i'm using here in my blog...
it was actually perfect... the child was still... seems to be at peace... falling asleep as he rests his head on his arms which was laid on a boulder... just like that... enjoying serenity... it is so me... wanting to be forever a child... hahaha!
my lap's kindah old... a powerbook g4... but it serves me well... has all that i need... limewire, itunes, ym, skype... and everything else goes in my dashboard... the only thing i don't have in it is the final cut software i've so long wanted...
anyway, as the routine goes, i need to tag 5 of my friends... those would be nobody else but the charmed coven of course... ei piper, paige, phoebe, leo... hmmm... that's only 4... who else... lehme see... kaye... you have all just been tagged... let us see how your desktop looks... hehehe!
by the way friends, you're suppose to post it on your blog then tag five of your kith to do the same... got it? might as well check out chase' (ham & keso) page...
i also liftd the clearer tag mechanics from chase' blog...
My Desktop Free View Instruction:
A. Upon receiving this tag, immediately perform a screen capture of your desktop. It is best that no icons be deleted before the screen capture so as to add to the element of fun.
You can do a screen capture by: ::this instruction i think works for non-macs::
[1] Going to your desktop and pressing the Print Scrn key (located on the right side of the F12 key). [2] Open a graphics program (like Picture Manager, Paint, or Photoshop) and do a Paste (CTRL + V). [3] If you wish, you can “edit” the image, before saving it. ::for mac users:: click on your spotlight (search) then type grab... click on grab... then from the grab menu toolbars, click capture... choose screen... that's it... if not for this tag, i may have not learned that... hehehe!
B. Post the picture in your blog. You can also give a short explanation on the look of your desktop just below it if you want. You can explain why you preferred such look or why is it full of icons. Things like that.
C. Tag five of your friends and ask them to give you a Free View of their desktop as well.
D. Add your name to this list of Free Viewers with a link pointing directly to your Desktop Free View post to promote it to succeeding participants.
(grabe... is it me or is it really just my browser? i can't manage to create links in my entry.... the shortcuts aren't working... MACS can really sometimes be user unfriendly... anyway, pls refer to the links in my sidebar... thanks!)
piper's brainchild was born from a heart that's pure not everybody can have... and i am proud of her... the HAPPYness CAMPAIGN as symbolized by the HAPPY SUN will spread rays of sunshine to so many kids... it's her advocacy... to make people happy... to be the host of an epidemic... 
to whom much is given, much is required... we all have it in our hearts to share... to give... to offer a hand... sometimes, we just need a push... but with piper, she has 2 bright and happy hearted kids to inspire her...
where then does the happy sun rise first? it was a random pick... the one with highest recall... bohol was piper's most loved place... well, anyone who has visited bohol will love it... serving as a sanctuary for endangered tarsiers... the frontiers of crystal waters and rich ocean life... the white sands... it is a natural beauty that takes away your woes...
but yet, behind the serenity and chastity of its beauty, there lies the bitter truth... a badjao community who have been naturally deprived of comfort... the adults and ancestors may have adjusted to their way of life... but what about the kids? now that all on earth seem to advance and develop, are they able to cope up? it is funny... give them a celfone or ipod, it won't serve it's purpose... advancement isn't what they need to cope with life... 
perhaps it was pre-destined that a friend from our previous program decided to settle in bohol... who would know that one day, she'll be an instrument and the happy sun's link... she was quick to reply to piper's request... Ate Marie found the badjao community in Dauis, Bohol.
the daycare center had insufficient books and other educatioonal tools... the kids have to brave narrow planks just to reach it even... but unfortunately for one kid, it was his road to a short life... news was one kid died the week before we arrived... he fell from the planks... oh god, the price that has to be paid for education... the only best way to see it is at least now, the same kid is now an angel...
and so we left the badjao community HAPPY... knowing that when we return the next day, 70 kids will have a chance at the feeling... and to know that we are all provided the oportunity to influence lives is something we thank God for...
what surprises await the kids anyway... hmmm...
there's the happy sun bag which was customized... part from the fact that it carries goodies, it can be used by the kids when classes resume...
FOR FURTHER REFERENCE: you are all invited to please hit on piper's BRATTYNELLA blog and the HAPPYness CAMPAIGN blog... we are more than glad to share our happy experience with you...
VIDEO COURTESY: ate marie a.k.a. phoebe halliwel... mwah!
it wasn't like as if it's the first time i experienced an adrenalin shoot-up which manifested in an impulsive outburst of anger...
i have serious issues of anger management... i am poor at it... for someone who claims to be filled with love and wants to spread it, i am the worst kind... a false prophet...
feeling bad... and so i contemplated... i felt the urge to take a personality test... even if it was just on-line...i want to have an idea of who i am... what demons i am facing with myself...
i knew it had something to do with personality disorder...for sure, i have one..maybe even a number of it...
and there i was, choosing the most comprehensive on-line test... it says it cannot be interpreted as a professional diagnosis... but only a guide to knowing myself... hell yeah...
the general piece of information states that a personality disorder is basically a set of traits that combine to negatively affect your life... they have a wide range of causes and some are easier to treat than others... this test is set up to look for the ten recongized personality disorders which are Paranoid, Schizoid, Schizotypal, Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic, Narcissistic, Avoidant, Dependent, and Obsessive-Compulsive.
i wonder... which of the ten am i...
Here are my results:
| Disorder | Rating |
| Paranoid Personality Disorder: | Low |
| Schizoid Personality Disorder: | Low |
| Schizotypal Personality Disorder: | Moderate |
| Antisocial Personality Disorder: | Moderate |
| Borderline Personality Disorder: | Very High |
| Histrionic Personality Disorder: | High |
| Narcissistic Personality Disorder: | High |
| Avoidant Personality Disorder: | Moderate |
| Dependent Personality Disorder: | High |
| Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: | High |
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info -- | |
a a a... i tink i am converting from bulaceno to pampangeno...
wala na akong letter AITS (h)... A A A... e kasi binwisit ako ni boni... i tink mga 3 - 4 times namin dinaanan script niya... grabe... indi pa rin niya ako maku-a... indi niya maintiindi-an sinasabi ko...
aaaaay naku... so as usual... back to rated k na ako di ba? so eto na naman ang sakit ko... ang problema ko... ang dapat sana'y nawala o nabago ko na...
my anger management issue is back...
and of course, as usual... gamit ko ang sumalo ng inis at galit ko sa sitwasyon...
kung dati celfone ang binabato ko at binabasag... wow... eto ngayon... laptop kong mac na binili ko ng pagkama-al ma-al sa mac center ng rockwell ang victim...
parang si eugene domingo sa kokey ang aking powerbook... isa na siyang pampangueno... wala na siyang aits...
syempre, ang lakas ng pagppindot ko sa keys...natiyempo, nang umakyat ang dugo ko sa ulo ko, nasa letrang aits ako...ayuuuuun...lumipad si aits... bali... putol....sira!
aaaaaay naku... anggang kailan kaya ako ganito... siyempre.... tsoices...tsoices... brot myself into tis situation... aaaaay naku talaga...
inding indi ko makakalimutan si boni... actually, si boni din ata ang sani kung bakit ko binalibag ang clamsyel kong nokia before na ngayon ay si papa reggie na ang gumagamit dail siya nagpagawa... a a a ... ewan ko...
magkano ba ang srink? iba talaga ang temper ko pag nagre-rated k ako e...
bad week... bad trip... bwisit... mag-iatus muna kaya ako... ayoko magbukas ng lap kasi umiinit talaga ulo ko pag nakikita ko... not boni's fault...kasalanan ko... anger management...anger management...
hahaha! and i am victorious...
10 minutes to 7 in the morning....here i am... still up and enduring a terrible headache... nevertheless, i rejoice!
this may be a small feat to most comp geeks or IT experts but hey, give me some credit... for somebody who's new to this kind of stuff, i did more than just well...
finally... finally... i've fixed my blog... you may not even notice the difference but i have atleast gotten rid of the borders which supposedly is embedded in the template...
oh well, it's like this... i couldn't get my sunrise banner in the header (which should be within the borderlines... remember the grid before?)... and so what i did was have the banner as picture in the page element of the template...
next problem, i have no more use for the headers since my blog title was embedded in my photoshopped sunrise pic... it will be too jarring and unbalanced to have another text title if only to utilize the header...
the only solution is to study the html config... now that's how i got my headache... hirap ah... i don''t even understand what those codes meant... i literally had to study how it is translated in form when uploaded... am i making sense? hahaha! actually hindi ko rin alam...
anyway, i am just happy... now to end this long and irrelevant-to-mankind kwento, all i did was take out the header grids by having it colored black... entonces, it blended with the background and so appears not to be there...
in fact, i have actually gotten rid as well of the breaker lines... do you notice it? hahaha!
basta... i really just wanted to bask at.... hmmmm... let's say, naisahan ko ang computer... ayaw niya yung pic, pwes kulayan nga kita border ka ng hindi ka makita na lang...
now i can sleep... the price i have to pay for being a blog addict... i only have 2 hours to sleep na lang... hahaha!
it was suppose to be a simple 'recent comment' widget... but what i thought was manageable and something my still-newbie-techy-head could handle turned out to be a much complicated process... i admit, i really really had a hard time installing the widget...
after i think 10 failed attempts, i finally got it... to have the widget work, i must register with a host compatible with both mac and blogger... the blogger recent comment widget by the way isn't working which was why i explored on other widget providers...
the haloscan was my choice... ok... ok... it sez i need to activate my rss feed and that i am required to upload templates here and there... fine... i think i get it... it was sort of a hit and miss thing... i was suddenly reminded i failed my U.P. (quota) college entrance exams for Computer Programming... hahaha!
one last click and my blog will have a new feature... dadadan... i almost threw my laptop... my entire sidebar was lost... as in the right side of the page was blank... everything on it was erased...
i wanted to cry and i can feel the blood rushing in my head... gusto kong mag-amok daaaay... okay...okay... a b c d e f g h i j k... and z... not yet... stay away from the lap or i just might not be able to control... think of angel... sing 'moonlight kiss'... ok... fine...
i backtracked at least three pages... repeated the process and re-did the html configuration... dadadan... my sidebar is back... but ooops... i am losing my photoshopped sunrise pic... waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah...
even after a few clicks and re-uploading, still... it wasn't appearing... the pic fails to download...
and like as if it wasn't enough to really ruin my 1st day of the Ber Months, i then noticed all my previous comments from friends and readers... laaaaaaaaaahaaaaaat... gone... erased as well... nawala... i did everything to salvage it but i figured it was a lost cause...
what went wrong? i don't know... obviously... hmp!
i still can't fix it... sundra gomez is about to rise but here's my blog... still in a meltdown... the only thing nice is i got the widget to work... oh yeah... at the expense of other more important elements in my blog... that missing pic is the most important of all... it is my inspiration...
naaaaaaaaaaaaammmmaaaaaaaaaaannn... !!!
okei... ill sleep over it... maybe when i wake up, ayos na si sunrise ko... angel help... huhuhu!!! naiiyak tlga ako... dear Lord... please...
my apologies... due to my excitement, i miscalculated... from today, we're still 2 nights and a day away from the Ber Months...
still...
oh gahd... a few hours after i announced that i'm feeling it take effect, here i am... eyes half open... with abundant "muta" and tears...
you see. in 33 years and mind you, my memory serves me well, this is my very first sore eyes... and my oh my, aaaaang hiiiraaaap paaalaaaaa!!!
not only is it soooooo makati but also my eyes feels swollen... and may parang something na magaspang sa ilalim ng lids... worst, kindah masakit na di ko maintindihan at ang init ng mata ko....
i am so tempted to post a pic but it looks much differrent now... very unsightly... baka wala ng magbukas ng blog ko.... hehehe...
although i am truthfully enjoying this... i must admit that i seem to have underestimated this sore eyes ha..... hindi pala siya madaling i-handle... talk about being texted "careful what you wish for" by paige...
i guess ill have to visit the doc tomorrow... but i am actually exploring the idea of letting it's worst condition set in before i have it treated... wala lang... sayang naman kasi... hahaha!
i hope it doesn't hamper blog sessions... hehehe!
it was past 3 in the morning... despite being tired and drowsy, we were really enjoying the emotional and intellectual intercourse by confusing ourselves with semantics... it began with chances and choices... that is without revealing it all started with him... we dug deeper into who we are and how our hearts and minds run by defining SPECIAL AND IMPORTANT... both literal and implied...
the questions just went on and on... what is special? what is important? who are special? who are important?
how would you let someone feel that he is special? how would you let someone know that he is important?
is there a difference between being special and being important?
how would you know if you’re special to someone? how would you know if you're important to anyone?
after all, what makes somebody special? what makes anybody important?
would you consider your family important? or special? what about your friends? how about the one you love?
If you had the chance to choose between the two, which would you rather be? why?
which of the two adjectives is more special? and which is more important?
haha! am I complicating simple matters? I think so... but admit it... we sometimes use these words without even knowing what t truly means... it’s importance and why it's special.
i dare say... special people are different from important people... special is someone you’ll never forget the rest of your life... important is someone you need for the rest of your life... now, which is which for you?
special or important? Hmmm…
or would you want to be both?
just like chances becoming choices, one can be both... i will really want to be special and important at the same time to "one" person ... and i want to enjoy eternal bliss with a man who isn't just special... who isn't only important... but with a man who grows special in my heart because he is important... and that i can't live without him because he is special...
round and round it goes... alike to a chicken and egg thing... but to me, it makes sense... i hope it does to you... i pray it does to my angel...
what do you know... seems like i'm enjoying the abstinence from cigarettes... i just passed the 9th day and still yosiless...
the thing is that i can actually feel the natural dislike to yosi building up... hmmm...
oh well, let's see how long prue can last...
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hmmm... it has been five days now that i have not puffed a stick...
okay...okay... it's not the bid of farewell to smoking... all i'm saying is, for a chainsmoker like me, five days do count for something... for me... for paige's air... hehehe... five days with no yosi is an impossible feat...
hmmm... not swearing to anything BUT i'll push my self to the edge... just see how it feels... what change it will bring forth...
and i say goodluck to me.
40 pesos a pack... one pack a day... 365 days in a year... that makes it... P14,600 spent for yosi sa loob ng isang taon...
i think it was a week ago when Manny interested me about the feature of discovery channel (not sure...) on people who fear getting old... we were just talking about it 2 nights before he saw it... i remember telling him "sobra akong takot tumanda..." that just thinking about it practically creeps me out...
here i am, suddenly researching on it...
GETTING OLD PHOBIA:
(Gerascophobia, Gerontophobia, Fear of Old People, and Fear of Growing Old)
1: getting old phobia: a persistent, abnormal, and unwarranted fear of growing old or old people , despite the understanding by the phobic individual and reassurance by others that there is no danger. 2: getting old phobia: a strong fear of, dislike of, or aversion to growing old or old people...
not all my friends know... well, i am actually not sure who knows about it but i am sure i've shared this with close friends... other than the fact that i fear growing old ALONE, it is the "growing old" per se that i am so terrified with...
okay... this may be the reason why my perceptions on death is so unorthodox... it isn't like as if i invite death to come my way but i hope it does before i wrinkle to kingdom come...
what about growing old anyway?
i don't know... i guess i don't want to be walking with my back arched... bald or with gray hairs... wrinkled skin, if not sagged fats...
ewan ko...basta... i feel that no matter how much i swear to be smiling everyday even when i'm old, the thought that you're life is wilting away scares me...
but is it really just those?
i don't want to reach the age when i can barely recognize the people around me... not remembering their names... not being able to wrestle... that i will have to be accompanied everywhere i go... kung meron mang aalalay sa akin...
i want to be remembered young...vibrant... full of life... free-spirited...
able to throw the tighest embrace and the warmest smile...
and gahd, i just realized now... what if i unfortunately don't lose weight by the time i'm 60...? inaykopo...! paano na? with bones so weak... grabe... baka i won't be able to get up from the bed na... hahaha!
can you imagine?
for now... i need my sight of the sea... i need the cool breeze to brush my arms and face which by the way is just outside but i am stuck in the office... i miss my angel... i miss the good conversation... the laughter... oh gaaahd... what wrong did i do? need i ask? tanga!
one sunrise... just one... please... i feel suffocated now... i am not complaining God... please don't take it as that... you know what i mean... help me have that choir... i want it...make me want it more so i can work at it...
my clock seems to tick faster now... when was my last tawa with the halliwels? i haven't touched my harry potter book? will i ever? oh gaaaaaad... of course i will... you see, i am just terrified... i can feel it coming back...
prue...prue...fight it... don't let it... please prue... i feel like crying... not because of the pressure...not becasue of the load of work...magaan pa nga kung tutuusin... it's the feeling that some things are being stolen from me again... how come explaining to people is difficult again? how come lumalabas ulit litid sa leeg ko? your fault... not anybody else'...
i can feel that i am not happy... something i did... shit! no... no... fight it...
it is just momentous.... it won't be like this everyday... not every week... it won't happen again...
brace yourself prue... you are just overreacting... am i? she seems to be everywhere again... meetings, phone calls, text... gaaahd... not my dreams...please... okay...okay... enough...
next weekend... i'll have an overnight i calatagan... dun sa beach na pinuntahan namin ni jessie... all i need is just an overnight... stars, the shore, the whispering sea... oh... the sunrise.... the spirit is growing... okay... okay... i am now smiling... i have somehting to look forward to now... yes...that's it...
il bring myself to the beach... peace and quiet... i can still do that...
Woke up early today and feeling good... i had a couple of dreams... they were like segments running over a tv program where i am the host (perhaps, it is the subconscious thought of my return to Rated K)...
there was a part when i was doing a monologue on love... i couldn't exactly recall what i was saying in my dreams but i was sure it was something about it...
aha... it was on how we can measure OUR LOVE... of who we are... a pillar of truth from which i base my judgement... though not necessarily meaning that i live up to it... but i want to learn it...
anyway, here goes...
How is love described? It's in the Bible...
I Corinthians 13:4-7, TLB.
"Love is very patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude. Love does not demand its own way. It is not irritable or touchy. It does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice when others do it wrong. It is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever truth wins out. If you love someone you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost. You will always believe in him, always expect the best of him, and always stand your ground in defending him."
after the meeting, i proceeded to Fully Booked to have my Harry Potter Book 7 reserved... and what better way to kill time but to browse through the store and see what other literatures i can have... then of course, like every time, i didnt fail to check out the New Age section... but nothing was worth adding up to my collection...
but just when i was about to leave, i saw the book by Sandra Hamper, an astrologer and a geomancer... the book was on Birthdays and the many spiritual and ritual guides for the person born on that specific date regardless of the year.
being born on the 24th of April, according from Sandra, my gem is Topaz (my gem? is it different from birthstone? from what i know, mine is Zirconian Diamond... anyway...)
and that it would be good for me if i surround myself with Roses because it makes me more creative... 
it didn't really say whether red roses or what... but really, i am more interested with green roses... seen one? well, it is a rare specie...
it is ROSA CHINENSIS VIRIDIFLORA... hahaha! hey, it is a real flower... mind you, it is...just rare... it's a rose mutation discovered in 1856... the flower isn't exactly composed of petals, at least from what i understand... the blooms are made entirely of sepals rather than petals... sepals are like leaves...
what a coincidence to be researching about it now... i hope to be able to find a green rose....an authentic green rose... why? i sent my angel rose icons when we were chatting... it was red... then he said in bold letters, THANKS... BUT I WANT GREEN ROSES! HEHEHE!... hahaha! my angel and i share the same passion for green... well angel, just wait... just wait... i may surprise you again... nothing is impossible with prue especially when she is in-love... huh!
back to what i was making kwento about... oh yeah... april 24... 
the musk plant is best for me because it describes one of my traits...
i don't understand why but musk plants are for april-24-ians (not merely taurians but precisely those born on that date...) because, according from sandra, my greatest strength is in knowing my greatest weakness...
so does that mean... AS LOVE IS MY GREATEST WEAKNESS, IT IS ALSO MY GREATEST STRENGTH... hmmm... it makes good sense... i like it... i like what it means...
Hmmm.. that i am a falcon... a very expert hunter.... 
hahaha! and i wonder what that means... do i cruise for preys in the darkest of nights?
my best ritual symbol is the crescent moon... both waxing and waning... 
and since i am a born leader (if to be based from my birthdate...), my star is el debaran or aldebaran.
if you still remember your General Science, aldebaran is better known as Alpha Tauri.
Angels... God placed me under the guidance of two angels... 
He is Asmodel... the angel of patience... perhaps God places me under Asmodel's guidance because he knew i'd grow to be stubborn, disobedient and lazy... tigas-ulo sobra!
Archangel Michael is also by my side... the angel who is in the likeness of God...
Sandra Hamper bled the personality traits of April-24-ians... from how we handle businesses and other legal transactions... how we deal with friends... views on politics... managing travel and career oportunities... and emotional discernment.... that... that aspect of my personality struck me most.
Lines went... "YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH LOVE - THE TRUE ROMANTIC... YOUR FANTASIES MAKE IT UNLIKELY THAT REAL LIFE CAN MEASURE UP TO YOUR DREAMS... YOU SWIM WITH THE TIDES OF LOVE AND DRIFT MUCH MORE TOWARD REALISM WITH EACH PASSING YEAR..."
hmmmm... In Love with Love... good or bad? Am i? Perhaps it will depend on how i see it... how i define the phrases... Yes, it's a good thing... and Yes, I am... 
i smiled while reading those lines at least 3 times... i was like proud of myself... what it says about me is true... i want it to be true... 
In fact, a big part of me hopes that more and more and more babies will be born on April 24th... that way, more and more and more men will be in love with love... more and more will be true romantics...
There have been many heartbreaks in my life... many frustrations... disappointments... there was a stage when i have convinced myself tired of believing... that for my kind, love exists only in dreamland... settled with the fact that indeed my ex is going to be my last... 
but whoa... the Big L always finds it's way... i trust again... i believe again... i love again... I am with Leo Buscaglia... "Live, Love and Learn"... it is my mantra after all. 
friends may say "lagi na lang love, puro na lang love... corny"... what else would you want it to be? well, i admit... i am guilty... it is the core subject of my life...
Whether Sandra Hamper is authentic or not... she got that detail of my personality damn right!
and now, i remember my girl friend Piper commenting how my blog reflects my state of being...
