PRUE HALLIWEL ::: OBSERVER OF LIFE

i don't want to get to the end of my life and find that i have just lived the length of it... i want to also have lived the width of it as well... smiling when the sun rises... dreaming until the sun hides... but for now, i'm letting go... and this goodbye isn't just a new start... it confirms my submission to waiting... while searching...

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PRUE SAYS...

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Saturday, July 21, 2007

being an april-24-ian...

after the meeting, i proceeded to Fully Booked to have my Harry Potter Book 7 reserved... and what better way to kill time but to browse through the store and see what other literatures i can have... then of course, like every time, i didnt fail to check out the New Age section... but nothing was worth adding up to my collection...

but just when i was about to leave, i saw the book by Sandra Hamper, an astrologer and a geomancer... the book was on Birthdays and the many spiritual and ritual guides for the person born on that specific date regardless of the year.

being born on the 24th of April, according from Sandra, my gem is Topaz (my gem? is it different from birthstone? from what i know, mine is Zirconian Diamond... anyway...)

and that it would be good for me if i surround myself with Roses because it makes me more creative...

it didn't really say whether red roses or what... but really, i am more interested with green roses... seen one? well, it is a rare specie...

it is ROSA CHINENSIS VIRIDIFLORA... hahaha! hey, it is a real flower... mind you, it is...just rare... it's a rose mutation discovered in 1856... the flower isn't exactly composed of petals, at least from what i understand... the blooms are made entirely of sepals rather than petals... sepals are like leaves...

what a coincidence to be researching about it now... i hope to be able to find a green rose....an authentic green rose... why? i sent my angel rose icons when we were chatting... it was red... then he said in bold letters, THANKS... BUT I WANT GREEN ROSES! HEHEHE!... hahaha! my angel and i share the same passion for green... well angel, just wait... just wait... i may surprise you again... nothing is impossible with prue especially when she is in-love... huh!

back to what i was making kwento about... oh yeah... april 24...

the musk plant is best for me because it describes one of my traits...

i don't understand why but musk plants are for april-24-ians (not merely taurians but precisely those born on that date...) because, according from sandra, my greatest strength is in knowing my greatest weakness...

so does that mean... AS LOVE IS MY GREATEST WEAKNESS, IT IS ALSO MY GREATEST STRENGTH... hmmm... it makes good sense... i like it... i like what it means...

Hmmm.. that i am a falcon... a very expert hunter.... hahaha! and i wonder what that means... do i cruise for preys in the darkest of nights?

my best ritual symbol is the crescent moon... both waxing and waning...
and since i am a born leader (if to be based from my birthdate...), my star is el debaran or aldebaran.

if you still remember your General Science, aldebaran is better known as Alpha Tauri.

Angels... God placed me under the guidance of two angels...

He is Asmodel... the angel of patience... perhaps God places me under Asmodel's guidance because he knew i'd grow to be stubborn, disobedient and lazy... tigas-ulo sobra!

Archangel Michael is also by my side... the angel who is in the likeness of God...

Sandra Hamper bled the personality traits of April-24-ians... from how we handle businesses and other legal transactions... how we deal with friends... views on politics... managing travel and career oportunities... and emotional discernment.... that... that aspect of my personality struck me most.

Lines went... "YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH LOVE - THE TRUE ROMANTIC... YOUR FANTASIES MAKE IT UNLIKELY THAT REAL LIFE CAN MEASURE UP TO YOUR DREAMS... YOU SWIM WITH THE TIDES OF LOVE AND DRIFT MUCH MORE TOWARD REALISM WITH EACH PASSING YEAR..."

hmmmm... In Love with Love... good or bad? Am i? Perhaps it will depend on how i see it... how i define the phrases... Yes, it's a good thing... and Yes, I am...

i smiled while reading those lines at least 3 times... i was like proud of myself... what it says about me is true... i want it to be true...

In fact, a big part of me hopes that more and more and more babies will be born on April 24th... that way, more and more and more men will be in love with love... more and more will be true romantics...

There have been many heartbreaks in my life... many frustrations... disappointments... there was a stage when i have convinced myself tired of believing... that for my kind, love exists only in dreamland... settled with the fact that indeed my ex is going to be my last...

but whoa... the Big L always finds it's way... i trust again... i believe again... i love again... I am with Leo Buscaglia... "Live, Love and Learn"... it is my mantra after all.

friends may say "lagi na lang love, puro na lang love... corny"... what else would you want it to be? well, i admit... i am guilty... it is the core subject of my life...

Whether Sandra Hamper is authentic or not... she got that detail of my personality damn right!

and now, i remember my girl friend Piper commenting how my blog reflects my state of being...

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

men in mine...

men have come and gone in my life... BUT some remain in my heart... others i choose to forget... one ceases to be buried...

haaaay...the games we play with love... the deceit we all fall prey to... much as we try to be smart while the heart beats foolishly, sometimes... we are just too dumb to recognize which is and which is not.

the song of bryan adams "when you love someone" best defines and describes how i am when in love...

When you love someone - you'll do anything
you'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain
you'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
when you love someone

you'll deny the truth - believe a lie
there'll be times that you'll believe you can really fly
but your lonely nights - have just begun
when you love someone

when you love someone - you'll feel it deep inside
and nothin else can ever change your mind
when you want someone - when you need someone
when you need someone...

when you love someone - you'll sacrifice
you'd give it everything you got and you won't think twice
you'd risk it all - no matter what may come
when you love someone
you'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
when you love someone

let me see... who are the men in my life now?

hmmmm... this part i will enjoy.

the one who fills my dreams... the one who with just a vision or the slightest visual makes me wanna cry... the one who makes me feel there's so much to long... grabe! the man who makes my heart stop from beating... but with blood rushing to my head...

I sent him two of baguio country club's famous raisin bread... good sheperd ube... chocolate flakes and lengua de gato... gaaaaaahd.... i am not a fan... puhlease.... i am an admirer...hahaha! the things you do when in-love... and yes! i am in-love with piolo! anyone can have my career...but let me have piolo please... that is the bargain!

i think he soooo remembers me now... "o si otep ulit... " is what he said and in a jovial manner followed up with "naku... natatakot na ko niyan ha..." hahahaha! well, i too feared that's how it will be... naaaamaaaan...magpadala ba kasi ng pasalubong...very stalker...hahaha!

lizet called me while she was beside piolo... upon realizing it was me on the other line, he said he's making me a letter... asked for a pen and paper...

" otep, thanks a lot for the stuff... grabe! paborito ko pagkain na binigay mo... the best! smiley Piolo"

unlike piolo, who somehow shows appreciation to what i do... this guy... this bwisit na kalbo with poknat has been ignoring me... showing no signs of anything that acknowledges my admiration.... hahaha.... as if... well, apart from that text message he forwarded me weeks ago... a text which expressed my sentiment when he resigned from Rated K... nothing more...

and i hate it everytime he addresses me "kuya otep"... makes me feel guilty... he's not really stunning... goodlooking, yeah! but not really someoone who swoons a lady or anyone of my kind... i dont actually know what about him captures me... my attention...ewan ba?! basta... this guy, i can't find an exact rationale to my behavior... many ires have been irked upon knowing i like him... some have thrown biases and prejudices... well, maybe because of his gentle moves... his courtesy... his somewhat boxed character... then again, maybe, it is what i like about him.

IVAN... IVAN...IVAN... either i hate you or i love you... but everytime i promise myself to put you aside and neglect you, you emerge... you resurface... you make an entrance... i know i dont love you (maybe not yet... ).... i'm well aware i'm simply infatuated... but just a call from you... just a simple Hi... wala na, you melt my heart.... ewan ko sau... bwisit... hahaha!

ultimate sitner with you... a memory so vivid... you may not really remember it... you were probably not even conscious you did it... hmmmm... it was a tight night for us... for you and me... super ngarag because of korina's Bandila report... i went back ahead of you sa RK office... you followed minutes after to get some papers for graphics... you sat beside me... and rested your head against my shoulder... wow... it wasn't being sweet of you (ikaw pa... alam kong wala yun...) but i treasure that moment in my mind... i wish you'de let me take care of you... hahaha! that everytime you're tired, you'd let me offer you my shoulder...

both men i can never have... but that's just fine... Piolo and Ivan live in my imagination only to amuse me... WHAT TRULY MATTERS is i am with the one and only person i need to nourish my heart...MY ANGEL... THE MAN I PRAY WILL BE THE ONE TO FULFILL MY WANTED IDYLLIC (real) LIFE...

When I first saw you I already knew
There was something inside of you
Something I thought that I would never find
Angel of Mine

I look at you looking at me
Now I know why they say the best things are free
Gonna love you boy you are so fine
Angel of Mine

How you changed my world you'll never know
I'm here for now, you helped me grow

Chorus:
You came into my life
Sent from above
When I lost the hope
You show my love
I'm checkin for you
Boy your right on time
Angel of Mine

Nothing means more to me then what we share
No one in this world can ever compare
Last night the way you moved is still on my mind
Angel of Mine

What you mean to me you'll never know
Deep inside I need to show

(Chorus)

I never knew I could feel each moment
As if they were new
Every breath that I take
The love that we make
I only share it with you
You, You, You, You

When I first saw you I already knew
There was something inside of you
Something I thought that I would never find
Angel of Mine

(Chorus)

How you changed my world you'll never know
I'm here for now you helped me grow
I look at you looking at me
Now I know why they say the best things are free
Checkin' for you boy your right on time
Angel of Mine

angelologists describe angels as the essence of love and joy and stem from the Heart of God... if it's the case, then my angel deserves this term of endearment.

i am even astound how i am missing him despite the brevity of our time together... and even still, now that we are geographically apart, i am even more amaze that we continue to share the same fire as we did when he was still here...

you see.. i dont know if ours is a qualified long distance love affair... our daily chat bridges the gap... in fact, i say, i seem to be loving him more as each day goes by...

i used the word "loving"...oh well, there have been times i used it loosely... coining a feeling i am not even sure... i wouldn't dare say this one is different... but i dare say, he makes me want to love him... more and more... we have no labels... but we are US... it's a mutual thing... i am assured... maybe i dont deserve to be called 'angel' but it is what he calls me... but more than how we address each other, it is the feeling of appreciation...

my angel isn't the tall, dark, handsome type... neither is he a Piolo Pascual... he's not even the type who will be my "crush"... he's the simple guy in the corner capable of the best intellectual intercourse... good conversationalist... may pagka-promdi... hehehe... oh it is one of the traits i'm so turned on about him... affluent english in a visayan accent... with a nice smile... a height just about mine... and a slender body... balbon... hehehe... (other anatomical traits cannot be discussed)

but what really captures me goes beyond his looks...

my angel is an achiever, in every sense of the word... mature and responsible... a good son...

has a sensitive heart and when we're just together, he doesn't hold back... i appreciate that he is comfortable with me... i feel secure in his embrace...

i used to be a 'sunset' guy... i still enjoy the setting of the sun but the 'sunrise' has a different meaning now... my life has evolved... a new day... a new phase... a new reason to live...

he was the first man in my life who woke me from a peaceful sleep... while i am sealed in his arms... only and just so i can witness the rising of the sun with him...

words will never be enough to describe it... only the heart would know the celestial feeling...

and i never thought that the sunrise has a secret beauty... revealed only when shared with THE ONE YOU LOVE... AND THE ONE WHO LOVES YOU.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

of pines and fog...




Our three days in Baguio wasn't much... less of the stroll... less of the sight-seeings (thank god it wasn't a virginal visit...) but Manny surely lead the group in seizing almost every wagwagan (ukay-ukay) in the city... hahaha... well, i had fun shopping for my angel's much needed jackets in Switzerland (some were ukay finds... but 2 were from john hay's commissary...).


Dinner was set in Carlo's Pizza in SM Mall... then we went back to the house to drop off our ukay goods and then proceeded to bar hopping...


coffee and beer was served in Cafe Clutch... great band... wish i had a picture taken with the cute guy on the beatbox... as usual, treated them cans of beer... that's fine... they sang my song anyway... "couldn't ask for more" (these are the moments of edwin mccain)...

Mama was getting bored... it must be the age... hahaha! love you 'ma... i think she wanted to eat again (she spent the day indulging with almost all available streetfood...)... hahaha... and so we transferred....


it was more like a bistro which name i dont even remember (ei manny, is it "1856 Bar"? hmmmm...)... more fitting for mama... hahaha... she by the way, as suspected, ordered rice topping, gaaaaahd...tomi forever... hahaha!

and she seems to be having a little more fun now... after all, Donita (haaaaaaalleeeeeer... bakla po 'yan.... Carlo by day), her boyfriend (ah ewan... bakla sa bakla? bahala na... masaya sila dun eh... hehehe!) seem to really make her happy... which is actually nice to know.



two bars after, the rest of the group had to be fair with Weng and Edward (manny's friend in Baguio... such a dear actually... a Gary incarnate... the gesture... the way he speaks... just imagine...)... The two were having an urge... gotta go to the gay bar...

O naku ha! wasn't my idea... was just along for the ride... hahaha! di nga...not me! i'm sure di maniniwala kayo... oh there are really no pics...ciempre bawal... at naman... kahiya! it's in Naguillan Road by the way... Male Box... for a saturday night, it was boring-ly tame... hahaha!

Called it the night arond 3am... made sure though not to soundly fall asleep... Kuya Enteng, the driver i made arrangements with for service, is picking me up around 5:00 in the morning...

it is the thing that will complete my Baguio get-away... a glimpse of the sunrise... come to think of it... i've been to Baguio many times before but i've never relished the city at this time of the day...).

I was so excited... i really want that snap shot of the sunrise in Baguio... it will be my second entry to my collection.

But it wasn't how i hope it would be...



it was almost zero visibility... the road was covered with thick fog... even my digicam wasn't able to penetrate the thickness...

and when kuya enteng and i reached Mine's View Park... had to switch my camera to manual so i could take decent shots... still here's what welcomed me...



nothing... no sun is rising... no mountainscape... just a thick fog... a very very thick fog... Kuya Enteng noticed how frustrated i've become... he said it isn't always like it... the rising sun almost always is the nicest sight in Mine's View Park...

and then i realized , it isn't purely the sight... it's being there in that exact moment... of feeling... of knowing that you have something to look forward to...


it's the first time i've witnessed this beauty of Wright Park...



and the Mansion at 6:00 in the morning with that weather offered a nostalgic experience...

i felt i was not in the country... withh the cold breeze and the thick fog that illusioned as mild snow... oh gaaaaahd, how i pray my imagination was real... sana nga i am where my heart is... where my angel is now... in Switzerland.




I MISS YOU ANGEL... IT'S A DIFFERENT BLISS EVER SINCE I MET YOU.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Looking back...

[lifted from my chronicle]

Sept. 22, 2006
2:03 am
condo… sa bed


since that moment we last spoke, there was never a day that I have not thought of you… either something reminds me of you or you just suddenly emerge from thin air… one thing is definite… I can never escape the longing… and I won’t deny, I think of you still… my heart feels for you even up to now… maybe even till then…

sometimes I reminisce… at times, I simply wonder… what would it be like to still be with you… I’ve an answer for myself, definitely not perfect but it is what I want in life… I’ll be happy… there will be crying… there will still be fighting… I will be unreasonably jealous with the rest… but i’m sure and I know, I’ll be happy…

but of course, this is all just nothing but a hopeless dream now… it can never be that way… we’ve closed the book and I think none of us wants to go through preface again…

I can never forget, I ‘ve let you go with “sige na, tama na… alis na ako while I still love you…” … hanggang ngayon, it remains that way… mahal pa rin kita…

what was it you said? “hindi naman kailangang magka-ganito… intindihin mo lang ako… stay... hindi ka naman…” you never finished that line… you didn’t want to hurt me more than you already have… you were sensitive to realize it that moment… you were right, it will hurt me like hell… but even with you not saying it, having known that’s how it is, you weren’t able to save me from the pain… masakit yun kasi terminal point pala talaga… wala pala talagang pag-asa… tama ka naman, hindi naman ako babae… so whatever I do, will have to content myself with less of you…

alam mo kung anong pinakamasakit? The fact that I am willing to have less of you kesa mawala ka… that you couldn’t offer me full commitment and yet, I want you still… but having felt that, I still gave up on us… I gave up my own happiness…

alam mo, dami ko naging crush… si piolo, si vhong, si derek… meron pa ngang bago ngayon… si ivan… grabe… and all because, I associate them with you… they look like you or at least hawig… parang ikaw na rin yun… pathetic noh?

That is how much I long for you… sobra kitang miss…

Siguro, sana… this chronicle makatulong… either to fully embrace moving on… maybe even totally forget you… from here on, I have a prayer… that by the day I finally close my eyes and abutin ko ang last page, sana… sana naman… though it was you that made me begin reflecting… my prayer is that I don’t die still loving you…

Pero ngayon, hahayaan ko muna… mahal pa kita… sana alam mo… gusto pa kitang mahalin.


Still you,
otep

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